Threeish days on clindamycin and fourish on meronidazole. Today I saw something I'd been anguishing about.
I had a bowel movement in the morning. It was dark brown but not tarry from what I could tell, and mostly solid. My grandma called me outside a few minutes later to take a picture of the rising sun. My phone camera isn't the best, so I struggled to capture its rich pinkish hues to the full extent.
Immediately after snapping the picture, I felt the urge to go again. And it felt different. It felt like I couldn't put it off this time unlike previous gurgles. I scooted past my grandmother to the bathroom and got on the toilet. There were pale globs accompanying the stool this time, and the stool was green rather than the brown I had been seeing. What really truly suggested to me that this was something to actually listen to my hypochondria this time was the smell. Until then, all my refuse had smelled very sulfuric or eggy. I had Googled at least dozens of times what the difference was between the smell in normal Antibiotic Associated Diarrhea and C Diff. I would rephrase and specify a ton of times to get reassurances from the AI summary, stupid and probably not terribly accurate I know. This time, it didn't smell like egg but instead unusually sweet.
I suffer from pretty severe anxiety. My life has basically been completely derailed since March because of it. My father didn't have the patience to put up with it and I ran away from home to my grandmother's house. I would relapse and get better over the previous weeks. Last night, it was so bad that I scarcely slept for more than half an hour last night. Ever since i had gone to a GP to get an ingrown toenail removed and the clindamycin they prescribed had given me diarrhea, I was terrified because I'm living in Mexico in an extremely poor community. There are stray dogs everywhere. There is dust everywhere. It baffles my mind that a GP could be able to prescribe such a dangerous drug for something as minute as an ingrown toenail infection that had cleared after 3 days. I don't have health insurance and probably not even 1000 mxn in cash, which is what a specialist would likely charge for the consultation alone. My publicly available hospital doesn't have a gastrointerologist and even if they did the whole place is absolutely depressing and filthy and probably leave me much worse off.
Miraculously, I'm not breaking down. Not yet, and hopefully not ever. Maybe it's because I haven't been enjoying life very much if at all ever since I suffered a horrible and life-changing anxiety episode throughout March of this year. Maybe I've been wishing for the end inwardly. My life hasn't been the same since my mom died. I love my sisters and they love me but they're in the US and living their lives.
I'll see if I can even pull the money together to get tested. I was planning on going on a family trip and starting sertraline today, trying to improve my life again, but I guess I'll remain a prisoner in this town. Who knows what'll happen. Maybe getting my diagnosis will be what triggers my spiral, like the GAD diagnosis triggered my worst and longest anxiety episode in March. Maybe I'll pass away here in this terrible town like Mom did, without being able to do the things I had wanted to do back when I had dreams.
Despite eveything, I still feel love in my heart. I wish all of you the best on your journey. And two big middle fingers to clindamycin and the GPs who prescribe it for minor infections. I know it helps more than it hurts, but the fact this might be happening to me over an ingrown toenail is some serious bs.
I love all of you. Do your best. I'll try mine, and hope that I'm just overreacting. If it turns out I am, I will come and give my sincerest apologies to all of you and to one of my best friends who is currently going through this. I'm sorry if this got too doompost-y.
-EDIT-
Had an extemely tiny bowel movement in the afternoon. I won't lie, it's worrying that I have multiple even if they aren't diarrhea. it was mushy but a solid piece. Very small, very dark, but it was connected. I'm feeling the urge again, really hope it's a big solid slug. Goddamnit why is it multiple times though. -edit- nothing, just gas. some slime when I wiped. Well, way to kill my optimism =(