Never gonna go away…
Edit to add TLDR; I’ve come to terms with the fact that gender dysphoria is real as a heart attack, and spending a decade acting like I’m fine with living as my gender assigned at birth will never get better. I will never be truly happy until I can accept the person inside me rather than keep pretending that person isn’t there. My loving partner of 8 years deserves to live with the real me, not a version of me that I constructed to appease people and not attract attention.
I’m realizing now (27MtF) that my virtually lifelong feeling of wishing I could present as a woman to the world is simply never going to go away. I’ve known since 14 that I would absolutely ‘press the magic button’ to have been born a female. Not looking for advice from this post, just sharing where I’m at after spending years in denial.
Here’s some backstory… I fully came out to my best friend at the time when her and I were both 18 as soon as we graduated high school. I treated it back then like something I was seriously exploring, but took less seriously as I began developing feelings for her. We did everything together, and she wound up falling for me too. A year after I last wore a dress out to a restaurant with her and another (to this day) close mutual friend, something we only did on 3 occasions, she and I began a relationship as M&F. We’ve now been together 8 wonderful years, shared an apartment together for most of that, and we’re currently engaged to be married next year.
Now here’s the problem… She is one of only 8 people I ever explicitly came out to. The entire subject of my interest in living as a trans woman has not come up since before we decided to be a couple. A lie I’ve told myself over and over for years is that I can live as some degree of a man despite my gender dysphoria, which has come and gone from the forefront of my mind over the years. But at least a time or two a year like clockwork, it always comes back, sometimes very intensely for months at a time. Each time the feelings return, I mask and keep it from her entirely. I’ve always pretty outwardly rejected a lot of masculine traits projected on to me, and I’ve always hated feeling like I’m expected to exhibit them, and always found it hard to socialize with most cis men. For over a decade I have had this desire to look and act like a passing female, and I’ve always seen that in myself, both figuratively and literally when I look at my face in the mirror.
I feel like I’m done trying to run… She went away for a few days last week, and I took the opportunity to wear a few of her dresses that fit me, straighten my hair, and paint my nails for a few mirror selfies. It made me so happy in a way I haven’t felt since the last time I got to do that with her before we liked each other like that. She’s been back for days and only want to tell her how amazing it felt and I want to take it further with makeup and ear piercings, and if I get on HRT and do a little voice training I think I’d pass just fine. I feel it’s time to stop keeping this from her, and to stop lying to myself that I can keep putting off what I seem to obviously want to do with my life. I don’t know how she’ll take it. I’m fairly certain her parents have no idea, and likely won’t be pleased. We still aren’t married and have no kids. I don’t see myself needing surgery to feel happy, regardless of her opinion on that issue. It’s just really hitting me now especially as my twenties are waning, that this is the last best chance I have at the life I really want. She’s always been very pro-trans, part of me just doubts she’ll want a girlfriend/wife, but I don’t know that. I’ve always wanted that, even though so many times I convinced myself it either wasn’t possible or wasn’t worth it if it wasn’t a 100% guarantee to work out the way I wanted it to. Now I believe not trying is the biggest mistake I’d ever make.
Thanks if you read this far. Probably opening myself up to some hate if peoples takeaway is that I’ve been stringing my SO along for 8 years but hopefully most readers understand that life, relationships, emotions, people are all very complicated and everyone’s self-actualization journey is unique. Just wanted to get these thoughts out to an audience that might be able to find any part of it relatable.