u/Melodic-Space-876

Would it put you off if someone doesn't want kids until 5+ years after getting married?

Somali men I've talked to want children either right away or within the first year (MAX two), and I don't get the rush. I tend to avoid larger age gaps because older men expect to start a family sooner, but it’s the same with younger guys.

I want to be a mother and have dreamed about it but value building that stability first in my 20s. I prefer to spend several years growing with my husband, having fun, and achieving our career and financial goals before children get involved. I don’t want to have 5 kids in an apartment :/

The challenge is that I'm attracted to religious, traditional minded men but they view me as a red flag 🫩

This came up after a conversation with someone who had observed the way I approach potentials, and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

They pointed out that my approach tends to build deep friendships more than romantic because I'm very transparent and open from the beginning. There isn't mystery to me, what you see is what you get. If I like them, it’s obvious- they don’t have to ‘get me’ if that makes sense.

It got me thinking as I do approach love through the lens of friendship. I want someone I can completely be myself with, and I assumed that kind of emotional closeness would naturally grow into romance, attraction, and eventually a strong marriage.

Now I'm second guessing that assumption. I can see how a relationship built primarily on friendship doesn't always evolve into romantic attraction. It makes me wonder whether it prevents creating space for romantic tension or mystery in a marriage? Because I want both…

When I speak about romance, I mean it only in the context of marriage.

For the men- is there truth to it from your perspective?

I love oversharing on Reddit about my talking stages, so here goes the story of how I fell in love (for the third time this year).

The first guy and I met through mutual friends. He broke up with me. :/ No regrets though because he was really boring. Zero intellectual stimulation whatsoever. I prayed istikharah asking Allah to remove him from my life if he wasn't meant for me because I was starting to get attached... and I got booted the next day. 😭😂 It definitely hurt my ego, not gonna lie.

The second guy I already talked about in my last post. We had zero connection/reassurance but I convinced myself to keep going because of his quality and deen. Phone calls were genuinely a dreaded part of my day... they were that bad. After praying istikharah constantly, I finally ended it. It didn't help that everyone kept telling me I fumbled. I second-guessed myself, but I stand on business! Then I met the current guy and forgot all about him.

We've been talking for two weeks now, and from day one I've felt more emotionally fulfilled and cared for than I did in the months with the second guy. Three days into talking, he told me he really enjoyed our conversations and was deleting Muzz to focus on me. No pressure for me to do the same. I never have to second-guess where I stand with him or how he feels because his actions back up his words. Mashallah. That's literally all a girl needed 🤲

It's proved to me that connection is honestly what matters most. You can meet someone who checks every box on paper, but if talking to them feels forced, it's hard to build anything. With him, conversation is easy, I actually look forward to hearing from him, and I feel emotionally fulfilled. I'm less focused on expecting material things and more on building something with someone I genuinely enjoy. Connection makes everything else feel secondary. It matters so much more than I used to think.

If things continue going well, I'm going to give this my best shot. He's ambitious, has a good heart, and for now, that's enough for me. We can grow together.

One thing all these talking stages have taught me is to stop treating marriage like I'm checking off a list. I used to get caught up in specific qualities, height, income, shared hobbies, or whether someone was passionate about the exact same things I was. I'd convince myself those were the things that would make me happy,

I've realized every person brings something different to the table. Instead of asking whether they fit my ideal on paper, I ask- What makes them come alive? What qualities has Allah blessed them with that I admire or could learn from? Do they make me feel at peace? Do I genuinely enjoy being around them? Do they understand me, and care about my feelings? Do they enjoy giving to those they love?Those questions matter far more than whether they checked every box I thought I wanted.

I'll keep y'all updated if this works out. 🤞

Ps: had to make this post since people were hating on my wing man muzz. Give him a chance!

Caught a guy using chat gbt to respond to my messages, because he forgot to crop the input out of one. This is the second person to do this to me. First didn’t speak good English. Our first phone call after texting caught me so off guard because of his bad grammar. He barely spoke English. Yaaab.

Please don’t do this y’all. You have to be confident in letting others know your real self. It’s okay to be awkward, and imperfect. Isn’t that what connection is about?

I didn’t consent to dating chat 🧍‍♀️

After trying to force things with someone, I learned that a checklist doesn’t automatically translate into chemistry or connection 🫩 our conversations were the most boring, and unstimulating ones I’ve ever had, yet I kept telling myself to give it a chance because he checked all the boxes of what I wanted.

I even stopped pursuing things with someone I had much better chemistry with because this guy was “more religious” (and I prefer focusing on one person at a time when dating). I lowkey regret it, but that ships sailed.

What I took away from that experience is that a potential having money, looks, or deen is great, but those qualities don’t replace chemistry. Their religiosity benefits their akhira, and their goals in life. It doesn’t make them the right person for you if their presence doesn’t bring you joy.

How do you guys balance being there and emotionally detaching from friendships or family that are going through self inflicted suffering from bad choices or refusing to grow?

For example, a friend has been getting to know a guy that ‘can’t afford marriage’ 3+ years (imo he doesn’t want to), and leaves a new trauma with her each month. Her choices lead her seeking me out to vent, borrowing money (which she always returns), and other things. When she’s hurting it stresses me out too. Idk how to distance myself emotionally because she’s not a victim. There’s a similar pattern in my other relationships, and I want to fix it.