r/SomaliRelationships

I'm 22F, and I'm not even thinking about getting married anytime soon. I'm just a really curious person, so I ended up reading a lot of marriage stories... and somehow almost every single one turned into a disaster literally cabsi cabsi 🌚

Every time I come across a post about marriage, it's usually about cheating, divorce, emotional abuse, or someone saying they regret getting married. It's gotten to the point where I genuinely don't know what to think anymore.

It makes me wonder... is marriage actually this difficult, or are negative stories just more likely to be shared than happy ones?

Maybe social media has completely messed with my perception. Maybe people in happy marriages are just too busy living their lives to post about it. I honestly don't know.

Has anyone else felt this way? Did the internet make you question marriage too, or do you think it gives a pretty accurate picture of reality?

Anyway... I've read enough horror stories to last me a lifetime🙂. Someone please tell me a wholesome, happy marriage story for once😭

ASC there was this guy I had been getting to know for a little over a month. We met on Muzz. He seemed genuinely respectful, kind, and like a good person overall. We were aligned on a lot of things, and I started thinking this could actually lead to something.

He was consistent, showed interest, and the last time we spoke, he even told me he had told his mom about me. He also voluntarily shared a lot of personal information, even though I didn't share as much because I'm a more reserved person.

One thing I noticed was that his consistency changed. Instead of reaching out every day, it became every other day. I didn't think much of it because he was the one initiating about 80% of the conversations. Whenever we did talk, though, he was still engaged and seemed genuinely interested.

One day we talked over the phone, and he said he'd try to call me later to continue. Later that night he asked if he could called, but I was busy and said give me a couple of minutes but then he said no worries will call you later. He sent another message really late even tho he know that we don’t talk that time, by then it was really late, and I was exhausted, so I didn't reply to that message.

Now it's been over a week, and neither of us has reached out. It feels like everything stopped because of this one miscommunication, and I don't know what to think.

If he was genuinely interested, why hasn't he reached out or tried to clear things up? Am I overthinking this, or does it seem like he lost interest?

I’m talking to someone I see as a potential wife. she’s Amazing and We both make around the same ($70–80k), and we don’t plan on having kids for at least five years. She always talked proudly about her career, promotions, and income. But now she says she doesn’t believe in 50/50 and expects the man to pay for rent, groceries, vacations, and basically all living expenses while she keeps her paycheck.
After taxes, she’d be saving roughly $60k a year about $300k over five years in this economy while I’d be covering almost everything.

Am I crazy for thinking this is unfair?

Assalamualeykum brothers and sisters. This is going to be a long read but I need advice.

I'm 21F, born and raised in Kenya. I come from a typical Somali household. I'm in my final year in Uni. My parents are the "African parents" the ones who never apologise, are never wrong and it's either their way or the highway. Growing up I was the good child, I obey everything they say, I pass my exams, I make them proud I even pursued a course that they wanted me to do not one that I wanted.

For context, I'm staying with my aunt in a different city coz of school, my dad is in a different city for work and my mom is at home which is also another county. So this semester is my last semester and in my school the finalists are always prioritised when it comes to educational trips and it's mandatory.The first trip was on 4th , a da'wah trip. I told my dad and he was okay with it. Saturday came and we left. It's a 4½ drive but in my country a school bus isn't allowed to exceed a certain speed when carrying students so it took us 5½. We got there alx and after the da'wah we were taken to a museum, then a sanctuary then we went for boat riding,horse riding and other fun activities. Before we knew it, it was already asr. So after asr we ate and left at around 5:30 pm.

Before we left, my mom called me and I told her the fun we had and the time that we were to leave. After we left, around 7pm she called me then I told her that we're being stopped at every police checkpoint because again this is a university bus and school buses shouldn't be on the road when it's getting dark for security reasons. She started shouting at me telling me why I even went for the trip, why I didn't leave early, that it's late and I shouldn't be out this late. I tried explaining telling her there's no way I could've left early yet I came with all these people and the stuff wouldn't have let me leave just like that. She hang up before I even finished explaining and she called my dad.

After some few minutes I got a call from my dad and he also started shouting at me telling me how he regrets letting me go. He said that there are boys in that bus who even knows what you are doing in there. I was dumbfounded I didn't even know what to say. He continued telling me to fear Allah and I'm like what have I doneee?? It was a Muslim trip and we were not free mixing walahi and I had already told him that. And we had the Muslim association staff there there's nothing that we would have done even if we wanted to do sth bad . He was saying a lot of hurtful things and shouting at me without even listening to anything I say. He hang up mid convo too.

Then again my mom called telling me I'm shaytan because it's only shaytan that is out at night. Let it be known that I have never disrespected this people, never talked bad ,everything good about a good child name it. She said that my dad told her that she should be advising me that his daughters have never brought shame to him and were married off with their dignity. (He has a first wife who's older than my mom and her kids are all grown and working) She then asked who was seated next to me and before I answered she told me to pass the phone. She talked to the girl to "confirm" or make sure that I was speaking the truth. I was HUURRTT walahi and tears just rolled down my cheek uncontrollably. She then asked the girl to pass the phone to the driver and the patron.

My dad called again saying that he even regrets taking me to school because school is the reason why I was out that late. This words came out of the mouth of the biggest advocate for girls education. He even took his nieces from back home and took them to school. I was broken and confused walahi because what had I done??

Long story short, they kept calling and calling and saying all kinds of hurtful words. And when I tried reassuring them it was all in vain so I decided to just be quiet because I didn't want to disrespect them and when I went silent it was trouble too. They then called my aunt and her husband and told them to wait for me on the road which was worse because I was receiving calls from 4 people of which 3 were shouting and saying all sorts of things. My aunt's husband is the one who talked to me nicely.

At last I got home and immediately I entered the house with my uncle, my aunt said I have inkar and I'm a walking inkar because I made them worry and unsettled and that I've kept my parents awake all night and that I'm a hard headed shaytan who doesn't have sympathy. Yooooh I cried and cried because what did I doooh?? Btw, I got home at around 11 on the dot.

The next day, I didn't talk to anyone I was just in my room. In the evening my dad called and I didn't pick. He wanted to ask about the money that was needed on Monday at school. I should've picked but tbh I wasn't in the mood ,I was crying, crashing out and their words were replaying in my mind. He then called my mom to tell her I've blocked him and that he's struggling because of me but I'm not appreciating. (I'm in a private university and it's kinda expensive and I'm self sponsored meaning he pays for everything. Had he let me do the course I wanted he wouldn't be paying all this money.)

And don't get me wrong, I always appreciated them, I told them I was going to give back to them and that their efforts were not in vain. So now they're not talking to me, my mom even called me last night to tell me how would my aunt's husband think of a girl who comes home in the middle of the night. That what will people say about a girl who gets mad at her parents who only cared about her. They've been overprotective and extremely strict but this... this was too much.

Now, what do I do?? I had $uicida1 thoughts, been thinking of cutting ties but I fear Allah. I even thought of just running away.

Who is in the wrong here please be honest with me.
My wife and I have been happily married for a year but recently she started not communicating with me and it led to big resentment and because of that one simple mistake I made gave her reasons to be verbally and physically abusive, in fact out of all the women I have dated my wife was the most disrespectful and abusive to me. I’m not perfect and I never was but I always was ready to communicate and improve. Also all of her friends are married women whose marriage are at stake and they somehow changed her perspective of happy marriage into this toxic abusive home. I was never abusive nor did I ever humiliated her. Wallahi she has never went to buy groceries while I was at home. But because of how she changed, after numerous attempts from me to resolve the problem. I’m now ready to protect my self and dignity at the cost of everything. In fact I went to seminar to present lecture but I somehow acted very insecure and less confident infront of students. Which made me realised I’m losing myself here. Any advice would help.

I saw some people say they don’t tell their friends about their relationship until the nikah which intrigued me. I understand wanting to keep things private and not involve too many people early on esp to avoid gossip or evil eye.
But I’ve been thinking about it and I find it a bit surprising that some people prefer to keep the identity of a potential completely hidden from everyone until things are fully serious. I heard a few stories where people later find out something serious about someone bc a friend or family member recognised them or knew their history. Its been a past criminal record, abusive behaviour, or patterns of mistreating previous partners etc. And the families couldn’t accept the proposal/ said no at the soodonis when the family found out the history. Like not everything is visible just from getting to know someone personally bc some people are just so good at presenting themselves well and hiding things. Esp with online dating like how can you fully trust a person without a lil dbs check.

I liked this girl, we've gone through a lot of situations together, she helped me and I helped her multiple times she is wife material, the only problem i have with her is, we can't chat more than 20minutes on the phone; right now we ain't same countries.

She is funny when it comes to general topics, but she is not good in our relationship topics.

Literally, we talk like family members

My question is, would you marry someone you love but you can't enjoy her communication?

She said she never said I love you to someone, although she shows me the signs of love.

Her deen is top

Her personality is top

Just miserable communication 🙃

This is a general statement but damn I started my first talking stage it’s been 5 weeks talking to him, the amount of conflicting information, advice and stories I’ve seen online is jarring!

Don’t talk everyday it’s okay, but he should call every night. He might be busy at work but also he should prioritise you and no one is that busy, but also you owe each other nothing and you should speak to other people.

Why is it so complex, I like him a lot but I’m an over thinker and I trying to privately mend it. But dang!

Am i the only somalian who is very much against having kids because I see it as the most cruelest and selfish thing to bring a life to this world knowing they would experience hardship and there's much cons being alive than not? I don't know how a loving parent can do this... how do y'all justify being parents?

>"A man facilitates a woman's external life, and a woman facilitates a man's internal life. In other words, the external world (society) is generally harsher on women than on men. A man's duty is to protect her and provide the support she needs to face society, while a man often suppresses his feelings and sorrows, keeping them bottled up inside. Therefore, a woman provides him with the emotional support he needs for his inner turmoil".

#WordsofWisdom

Would it put you off if someone doesn't want kids until 5+ years after getting married?

Somali men I've talked to want children either right away or within the first year (MAX two), and I don't get the rush. I tend to avoid larger age gaps because older men expect to start a family sooner, but it’s the same with younger guys.

I want to be a mother and have dreamed about it but value building that stability first in my 20s. I prefer to spend several years growing with my husband, having fun, and achieving our career and financial goals before children get involved. I don’t want to have 5 kids in an apartment :/

The challenge is that I'm attracted to religious, traditional minded men but they view me as a red flag 🫩

Thoughts on your wife working.. let’s hear your opinions. I’ve been hearing men prefer their wife to stay at home? Is that true?

I didn’t know what to put as the title so imma keep it basic, lol. I’ve only started looking for marriage potentials. I’m a pretty simple girl and not looking for nothing crazy. I’m practicing so I would prefer someone also practicing. I would be consider what you would call laid back and some friends also say I’m funny but you can come to that conclusion yourself. I am a hijabi and I do dress modestly. I’m a hafid as in I finished the Quran. And I really don’t know what else to put so…here’s a lil bout me

Background

-Nationality: U.S/Somali
-Ethnicity: Somali
-Languages: English, Somali, Arabic
I speak intermediate French as well
-Education: I’m still an undergraduate student with a set track for medical School inshallah
-Work: I have my CCMA’s and work as a PCT/MA at my local Hospital
Height: 5’2

Looking For:

Background: I’m open to any background but preferably Somali
Nationality: Someone based in either the U.S, U.K or Canada
Age: 20-27
Education: Either undergraduate or higher level
Religious Sect: Sunni Preferably
Height: 5’9+ preferably but I wouldn’t mind if shorter

If you have any questions, just lmk.

I’m really curious if you guys ever got bored of someone. What I mean is initially you really liked talking to them, waiting for their texts, just always thinking about them but then you realized after some time you were getting bored of them and therefore you started texting less, when that person calls you just want to leave, you just no longer got interest.

How did you get here? Dissect your feelings for us please

​

Hi everyone.

I'm a Somali woman in my twenties, and I'm trying to understand whether what happened to me was as isolated as I once believed.

As a young child, I was taken from my mother and sent to live with relatives. My role wasn't simply to visit or be cared for. it was to help raise their children, do household work, and become whatever the family needed. I experienced abuse, parentification, and grew up feeling like I belonged nowhere. When I was no longer needed, I was expected to simply continue with life as though nothing had happened.

Over the years, I've learned that this isn't unheard of in some Somali families. Girls are sometimes sent to relatives to "help," but what follows can involve losing their childhood, becoming unpaid caregivers, experiencing abuse, and growing up disconnected from both the family they left and the one they lived with.

I'm trying to write an article exploring this experience, not just my own, but the voices of women who lived through something similar. At this stage, I'm not looking to publish anyone's story. I simply want to listen and understand.

If this happened to you, and you're comfortable sharing, I would be grateful to hear about:

How old you were when you were sent away.

Why you were told you were being sent.

What your daily life was like.

How you were treated compared with the children in the household.

How the experience has affected you as an adult.

Whether your family acknowledges what happened today.

You don't have to answer all of these questions. Share only what feels safe.

If you'd rather remain private, you're welcome to send me a direct message instead.

Please don't feel pressured to relive painful memories if you're not in a place to do so. Your wellbeing comes first.

Thank you for reading.

Question mainly for the brothers, but sisters are also welcome to chime in.

I (22M) am asking this because I've been getting pressured recently to find myself a wife. My parents have been bringing it up a lot the past few months. Uncles at the masjid have been asking me if I'm in wedlock (even though I tell them I'm only 22 😅).

Doesn't help my case that 2 guys my age (that my parents personally know) are having their weddings this month. I think I've heard the word "marriage" more times in the last 5-6 months than I have in my whole life prior to that.

Now I'm a simple man that loves his peace of mind. And a small part of me feels like caving in so this marriage talk can finally be over. But in my current state, I feel like entering a marriage is unfair on the woman's end.

So my question is, what's the bare minimum required to even consider marriage?

I’ve met the most beautiful woman on here; she was such a beautiful, sweet, and honest person. We had a spark at first interaction, texting each other every day to the point where my thumbs started hurting. Her account on here was banned unfortunately, and I didn’t even ask for her number or socials.

I grew up reading romance novels and watching romcoms. I always thought that I would meet my spouse irl. I never thought I'd reach the age of 26 and consider meeting someone online or through friends/family.

And I say 'consider' because I don't feel any rush in life yet but I am upset that I have been sold a dream.

I have friends in their thirties who tell me how much they regret not looking for a spouse in their twenties. I might just end up like them at this point and join the gang.

The idea of posting a profile or a checklist is so robotic to me. Looking for compatibility and then settling for someone sounds so mundane and boring.

My idea of getting to know someone is meeting them through work or a shared hobby. Of course keeping religious boundaries. There is no performance at the beginning or talks of marriage, you see the person for who they are through their interactions with others (lowkey spy on them a little). Then when you or the other person is interested you discuss marriage.

Guys can I not secretly crush on someone first? marriage talks with strangers feel like performance interviews.

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, dear sisters. 🤍
I have a small request. A close friend of mine was on a call earlier when she suddenly became unwell and disappeared from the call. I’ve since been informed that she’s currently in the hospital.
Please keep her in your du’as. May Allah ﷻ grant her complete and immediate shifā’, ease any pain or hardship she’s experiencing, protect her from any harm, and bless her with good health and a full recovery. May Allah also give her family and loved ones strength and patience during this time.

JazākunnAllāhu khayran.

I spoke to a man on and off for about five months. The first month was amazing. We got on so well, and I genuinely thought he could be the one.

A couple of months in, he got a job abroad. I asked why he wouldn’t try long distance or explore a future with me, but he said he knew himself and couldn’t do long distance.

Even knowing it had an expiry date, we kept seeing each other until he left. After he moved, I was the one reaching out, so eventually I stopped and moved on.

Months later, I happened to be in his city and we met again. Afterwards, I asked for honest closure. He said compatibility wasn’t the issue. He thought we had great chemistry, there were no red flags, and if he had stayed in our home country, he would have tried to marry me. He described us as “the right person, wrong time,” saying the distance and his stage of life made him feel it wouldn’t end in marriage.

What I struggle with is that he never really explored the possibility of a future. He never asked if I’d consider moving or what I actually wanted.

Alhamdulillah, I accept it’s Qadr Allah, but it left me wondering:

Am I wrong for believing that if someone truly wants you, they’ll do everything they can to make it work?
Do you think “right person, wrong time” is real, or is the right person simply the one who chooses you despite difficult circumstances?