Are men more open these days to move for marriage if things aligned? As in move where his future wife lives?
I live in such an amazing place, an amazing environment with so many benefits. It’s the best place to raise children, a trusting community and strong Muslim values. The none Muslims that live here are very kind, I live in the west but it’s got so many pros.
Just a question I am curious about?
As the heading says…any recommendations?
I’m 25 my ex husband left me emotionally scarred and is a useless co-parent. I do absolutely everything and I love my child so much he’s amazing (the only light in my life is him) but there is a but. I’m really tired at times man and it gets so lonely for me I have friends and family but they aren’t mothers and don’t understand what I feel at all. I don’t regret my son at all he’s actually like I said my only light, I am doing things for myself but it’s not the same when I do things for him. I feel more joy when it’s for him i can’t explain it.
He’s also the reason I want just one child because I want to spoil him give him the life he deserves. I’m currently getting my masters and moving up in my career and it’s for me yes but man it’s for him too. And this just makes me realise man I can’t do this again I’m giving my all to this one child. I should add I grew up poor I didn’t have much I have 8 siblings and no real attention from my parents. It’s made me do things so differently, firstly my son is very connected with me I give him my undivided attention which means I don’t go on my phone nor is the tv on and we are just chatting, reading being playful together and so on. He has a secure attachment, the only time I go on my phone is when he’s asleep. I answer important calls but I don’t go on my phone to scroll or anything thats unnecessary. I would say I am a good mum and I do enjoy motherhood but I don’t think I can do this all over again. Be this mentally focused when he’s up and only let my brain switch off when he’s asleep is so tiring, sometimes I cry at night not because I hate him or didn’t enjoy my day but because I just want to decompress. He has now started preschool he’s done so well with adjustment and now I get to have that decompressing when he’s away and be on my phone and do more for myself. But I’m still tired.
I also know why I am so playful and just present with him comes from trauma. I never had this I never had a relationship I was completely forgotten about and neglected so I don’t want that for my kid I want him to know I see him I understand him and I’m there if he needs. I’m not a helicopter parent I let him go through things don’t get to protect him from life because I want him to be confident and explore but I’m there if he needs me.
I don’t think I can ever get married still have fear regarding relationships and now I don’t know how to navigate it with also having my child. I feel like maybe relationships aren’t for me? Even though it’s what I want but I don’t know if I will get what I am looking for in a partner but that might be my fear talking.
I think about being a single mum forever and I don’t mind it i think I’ll be a one and done and just enjoy what this life has to offer.
I don’t know about those that had a child I did and I can’t look at my body. Every time I do I feel sad man so sad. I’m 25 and have no good relationship with my body when I see myself I see something completely different I get told hey your overthinking it you look beautiful…. But why can’t I see it why can’t I feel this….?
I’m 25 my ex husband left me emotionally scarred and is a useless co-parent. I do absolutely everything and I love my child so much he’s amazing (the only light in my life is him) but there is a but. I’m really tired at times man and it gets so lonely for me I have friends and family but they aren’t mothers and don’t understand what I feel at all. I don’t regret my son at all he’s actually like I said my only light, I am doing things for myself but it’s not the same when I do things for him. I feel more joy when it’s for him i can’t explain it.
He’s also the reason I want just one child because I want to spoil him give him the life he deserves. I’m currently getting my masters and moving up in my career and it’s for me yes but man it’s for him too. And this just makes me realise man I can’t do this again I’m giving my all to this one child. I should add I grew up poor I didn’t have much I have 8 siblings and no real attention from my parents. It’s made me do things so differently, firstly my son is very connected with me I give him my undivided attention which means I don’t go on my phone nor is the tv on and we are just chatting, reading being playful together and so on. He has a secure attachment, the only time I go on my phone is when he’s asleep. I answer important calls but I don’t go on my phone to scroll or anything is unnecessary. I would say I am a good mum and I do enjoy motherhood but I don’t think I can be this on for multiple kids I just want to relax when my child gets older. Being this aware and this switched on for my son is exhausting and I know it’s from my trauma of being neglected and forgotten about and I just can’t allow my so to ever feel that.
I just feel a lot of mental exhaustion at the end of the day and just collapse. So I am a one and done and I’m proud of it
Curious to see if anyone has some interesting and unique questions they have that they plan to or already have asked in a talking stage and also what are some interesting questions you have gotten during a talking stage?
I understand liking someone, admiring their qualities being able to see you guys as compatible. However, love….? Feeling like you can’t live without them…. crying about them….? Trying to fight your family for them…? This sort of attachment is a sickness. You’re not married, you haven’t seen them at their worst all you see is them on their best behaviour. That’s why so many woman and men fall into being blinded by their feelings and experiencing extreme heartbreaks without being married. These things create trauma and your next talking stage pays for your unhealed wounds. This is why some people try to test the person they are speaking to because they are not healed from their trust issues.
I believe this to be a big issue happening in communities, I heard of someone that’s not over their past talking stage even though it’s been years. I will say at least from a situation like divorce he or she has seen the worst and knows their ex was not perfect nor was the relationship. There is no idealisation of the person or relationship at hand.
the ones not in marriage have never experienced this reality. They play this person bigger in their mind and they think of the what ifs and the what could have been. “The one that got away” can be a painful thing to move past, some choose to burry it and move into a next talking stage not realising they are carrying something with them.
Allah should take that centre of your heart and we should normalise guarding ones heart. learning to admire someone’s many qualities and their looks and even their personality without falling into extreme attachment. Understanding that it’s okay if things don’t work that this person was not yours to begin with.
It’s been 2 years and subhanallah it’s been amazing, my ex gives me no issues, still in good contact with my MIL. I have my entire support network around me. I have my own home and car, I feel stable and happy alhamdulilah I’m close to my deen and find it so peaceful here. I understand why some woman stay single for so long or never re marry and now that I’m on the other side I see why. It’s not that I’m scared of men but rather I’ve just fallen in love with how simple my life is how easy it is. I understand I was with someone that made everything complicated and difficult and had soo many hidden issues that it ended our marriage. I know not all men are like this, and there is a man out there that is calm and kind hearted understanding, deen focused and will lead our home to goodness.
Knowing that there are good men out there makes me so happy and makes me understand that when it’s my time it’ll be my time but I’m not going to rush it but instead focus on the present and this beautiful life Allah has given me and the amazing people i continue to grow connected with.
Allah is the greatest and I have been more focused on my relationship with him that I feel a type of peace that I genuinely cannot explain Alhamdulilah
Just saw some post regarding sleep for their child and I saw many comments about naps. My son is 2.5 he does not nap we dropped naps now for 6/7 months he’s been sleeping at 7/7:30pm and wake time of 7:30am. Is my son meant to also be getting naps he’s not 3 and I saw 3 year olds naps. I’m a first time mom, should he be napping am I doing anything wrong? Or am I just in my head…?
Hey everyone,
I like to read about dinosaurs and follow the current research that is continuously updating with more information and it’s quite amazing I’m in awe of Allahs creations present and past.
I even enjoy reading climbing books. Currently reading “the climb” about the 1996 tragedy and I love it so much. I enjoy documentaries about historical events and I will pick that over ‘love island’ any day. I don’t even watch shows or movies apart from documentaries and read books. I don’t listen to music (I don’t know what it is I can’t get myself to listen to it it’s just not me and I find it disgusting).
I love under a rock because I’m off of all social apart from this so I don’t know what is trendy. I don’t have socials apart from reddit so I never know the general trends. I’m only 25 but feel like I’m a grandma. I don’t get slang because I’ve always talked in full sentences.
I like to stay fit but I don’t go gym because everything is mixed where I live so I go on really long walks and do core and body exercises at home. I like to garden and grow my own vegetables for my family. I like to also do diy projects and restore furniture that I will use in the home.
I do find myself out of place and even feel ashamed like I’m embarrassed when I don’t understand slang or know what’s happening in pop culture or that I don’t even who these actors are. I also don’t dress trendy and I just don’t feel I fit. I find myself bonding better with non Somalis more than Somali girls. I will say I’m more of an outdoors person and just not social media so it’s not that I’m always home it’s that when I’m outside I’m working in the garden, going to a museum, at the library etc. I’ve been called boring before and even called ‘white’ mind you I speak Somali and practice a lot of our culture at home so I found that to be offensive. Regardless it’s made me feel afraid to be myself around a Somali girls. Anyone go through the same thing ? Or similar did you find your own people? For me I have friends from different ethnicity but they are not Somali.
I’m born and raised in the west. And I know I’m not alone in thinking the Islamic practice of a man approaching a Wali to ask to speak to a woman he is interested in is so respectful, it’s honourable. It’s so manly and down right romantic in my eyes.
However there is this culture now that isn’t Islamic but it’s become so normalised which is for the two to speak privately. This is not just Somalis of course this is across the board you will hear this normalised in many different ethnicities.
I’m curious to ask how do the men and woman on here feel about going through the wali? And as I am a woman I wanted to ask the men do you ask to involve their wali wali and if not what are your reasons?
I have a 2.6 year old, my toddler is so loving and pleasant to be around. When he’s upset I can easily sooth him and he doesn’t exactly have tantrums they end so fast with me sticking with my “no” no ifs or butts and he understands.
Im 25 and have always been around children my whole life my mum has had like 11 kids the youngest is in primary school and not even 10 years old yet. She and my son have such a beautiful bond. Im a single mum after my ex husband walked out on us, since then ive found a stable home for us live near family and am home with my child full time. People think because I have my siblings and mum a minute from me I get a lot of help but the truth is I go over with my son a lot but I still do everything for him, we play as a group or I will be in the background and let them play and do my own thing close by. I know I had a lot of anxiety leaving him even though he’s so confident without me I know it’s a me thing. I plan to study for my masters next year and I need him to be well adjusted to pre school that he loves and has friends before o start. I started him about 1 months and half ago and he’s taken to it so well and it helps that there are only 12 kids and 4 teachers. I loved the place he’s there for about 5 hours a day 4 days a week and he’s excited to go I take my sister and him to school together and he loves getting ready with her.
I spend an hour and half of quality time with him before preschool and then 5 hours of quality time after. I strictly don’t use my phone and give him attention talk to him, play activities or watch him play while he asks me questions. I feel like it’s important I stay present for him even if we are doing some boring tasks like cleaning I try to make it fun by just conversing with him and he loves it and he loves helping and learning things. I also let him be board too and I see him imagine things and it makes me laugh and I ask him if I can join and we act silly together.
I’m not a helicopter parents as I do let him wonder and play with my younger sister at my mums house without me following him. When we are out and about I let him interact with other children, I let him try new things and I let him fall it’s all part of helping him develop and feel confident and learn new skills, I do not take this away from him.
I also do a lot during the weekends with him and soak up all that time together.
Though I am doing all of this after I put him down for bed time. And I go up stairs I overthink, did I do enough? Am I present enough? Sometimes I feel emotional and cry and I know I’m stupid but this mum guilt I feel kills me. Has anyone dealt with a lot of mum guilt even though they are doing so much?? Or is this just the weight of doing this all alone..? Will it go away? Or is this just aprt of being a mum? I miss him a lot during the 5 hour even though I am out with a friend or doing a hobby the best part of my day will always be picking him up and getting to spend time with him.
I don’t want to compromise on my values nor would I encourage anyone to (man or women). I personally group my values; Character, Deen, family values, how they value marriage, how do they view money? (Are they financially literate) Do they understand and respect a woman’s nature (vise versa)?…….
I know there is no such thing as the perfect person nor am I but I am some that keeps improving myself and I’m someone that is so grateful for everything I have alhamdulilah. If anything I think I’m looking for some like myself but it’s been difficult… how is everyone’s search going?
I co sleep and have been co sleep with my little one for as long as he’s been here it’s so comforting for him and for myself even though I don’t get 100% sleep I love all the cuddles and genuinely appreciate our bond together.
I wanted to ask how long people co sleep for and how is the transition, my child is an only child and I see us sleeping like this maybe even when they are 4 is that bad…? I’m a first time mum so I’d love some insight from other parents and their experiences.
I started my 2.5 at pre school this is his first official week and he hates it and I know it’s normal. This place is great place but the hours are from 8:45 - 2:45 and I just feel at 2.5 it might be too long…? He cries every time he sees me to pick him up and drop him off I feel so guilty and I know this is how it goes but sometimes my heart can’t take it. I’m scared he feels abandoned for those 6 hours and I can’t relax I’m constantly thinking of him. How do parents cope?
Hi everyone,
As the heading suggests, I really want my little one to start up a sport and have some fun! Any suggestions and tips?
Thanks
As she has said she goes 50/50 with her husband however I wonder if that has changed? Since now she has brought a child into this world?
I don’t get how she used to cook all the meals and clean and pay 50/50 in the past…? how is that even fair…? Now she has gone through pregnancy which couldn’t be split 50/50 and birth and postpartum and breastfeeding…… I wonder if she will wake up and see that 50/50 is pointless when you have a man that has the means to provide for you and it’s his religious obligation to. I would question my
Husband because I find that to be unfair especially if I am to go through pregnancy and childbirth which I can literally die but he can’t pay some bills? It’s a disgrace
Watches her latest video about buying a home and the video was interesting. She walked into the home alone and prayed in their alone without her husband present you would think this is a huge accomplishment that he would be present with her.
She also called her dad when she was in the home and emphasised she bought a home, she didn’t use we but I. I guess it’s no secret to her viewers that it was her money that went into this home. Her Reno shorts also show her stressing about how much bathroom stuff costs… guess it’s her also renovating this home too.
I dont see what she gets from this sort of situation because when children are involved she will be the one carrying that child with her body and risking her life to give birth. She will be going through postpartum and it’s wave and be the one breastfeeding (if she chooses). We as woman already give so much and we are natural nurturers so we end up wanting to do more for the child and we welcome our husbands help but what I’m getting at it’s her doing the heavy lifting there. It seems that every part of her life it’s her always carrying the weight and he’s just relaxing teaching woman how to swim mind you he touches them….. as a Muslim man I don’t see why he is offering classses to woman I find it sick. His wife is out there braking her back and he seems to get a free pass. That’s enough about him.
I grew up watching her and I guess I’m just sad that she found herself in a marriage like this. To me she would be better off doing this single and healing from within.