r/oneanddone

Ideally short and sweet! I’d love to give the long explanation to people, but sometimes when I’m asked I just….really cant be bothered and sigh in my head.

Every family dinner with my partners side someone will ask the question, and I don’t think they actually mean any harm, I think they are just trying to make conversation but I never know what to say. I find small talk super exhausting and uncomfortable but also if I really get into it and the reasons why they look at me like I’m mentally unstable 😂

one of the reasons we stuck with one kid was so we could actually afford to give her experiences. like dance class. with more than one kid i dont think we'd be able to do all the stuff we do now.

my daughters been doing ballet for a while and she's honestly so good. like not just saying that cause she's mine lol she actually has rhythm and coordination which she definitely didn't get from me.

she loves it so much she practices at home and i'm just watching her thinking yeah this is why we stopped at one. we can invest in her hobbies without going broke. getting her new stuff when she needs it, paying for the classes, all of it is manageable cause there's just one.

anyone else feel like being OAD means you can actually do things properly for your kid? like focus on one and actually make it work

Unfortunately went through a medical termination 3 weeks ago to remain OAD but mentally it has been a traumatic experience.

I’ve a wonderful 5.5 year old daughter and after a few years of back and forth my husband and I made peace with the fact that we will have just the one. I grew up an only child and while I had a great childhood I always imagined 2 kids because I wanted to see the sibling bond up and close! We are also financially stable with a good home and fairly healthy family relationships.

I still couldn’t bring myself to have another baby! I’m 41 and quite healthy but still. As soon as the test was positive, all the experience of raising my 5 years old came back - pregnancy, new born trenches, toddlerhood all of it! And I was depressed for days until I truly asked myself if I wanted to raise another human being. It’s not just a baby, it’s a lifetime commitment. We love to travel and have our own hobbies as well as demanding careers. Made the tough choice of terminating at 6 weeks but now I’ve been obsessing over the decision (it was the right one) but grief has completely overtaken and although I’m not religious at all but I feel slightly guilty!
Just sharing here!

I really love my life and appreciate the one kid I have ( I have become an even better parent with her now) but there is a grieving part of me and I feel so so terrible almost like will this ever go away?
Have also booked a therapy session but Sharing here to see if anyone has anyone has any wisdom and positives to share! TY

Lighthearted post to balance out all of the other ones.

When did you start activities with your only child?

My 10 month old is crawling like crazy, pulling to stand and even standing independently for a few seconds. I’m eyeing a gymnastics place that starts parent/baby classes as early as 12 months old.

Is this too soon? Did you start activities early and realize that it would have been better to wait until age 2 or so?

Baby currently stays home with our wonderful nanny (or grandma) all day. So no interaction with other babies right now.

I always thought I wanted a big family. At one point, I was convinced I wanted 4 children. However, that seemingly wasn’t in the cards for me as I struggled with infertility and, after undergoing IVF, I gave birth to my daughter at the age of 38. My daughter is the gift of a lifetime and I have absolutely loved motherhood for the last 14 months. My husband grew up an only child and desperately wants to have another baby so our daughter will have a sibling. I’m honestly so scared to have another baby. Not because I don’t love motherhood or my daughter but because I’m scared of how it will impact her. She’s used to having us all to herself. I spend my days taking her to swim lessons, the library, music class, and baby gymnastics! We have playdates weekly and things are just rolling along really well. I’m a former public school teacher and, based of my experience, I want to put her in private school and that’s more realistic with one child. I’m worried adding a baby will be a negative experience for my daughter. She’ll suddenly have to share her parents, her activities will go down because I can’t feasibly drag a newborn to all those activities and engage with my daughter while there. I don’t have an especially healthy relationship with my 2 siblings, particularly my sister, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to foster a healthy relationship between my kids. I’m not talking about sibling fights and normal kid stuff but I wouldn’t want them to be competitive with each other, jealous, etc. I wouldn’t want them to be distant or have no relationship at all. I would like her to have a sibling because I don’t want her to have a lonely childhood and, I don’t want her to be alone when my husband and I start aging and eventually pass away. I don’t want her to have to take care of us alone or feel the burden or weight of that by herself. However, I have 2 siblings neither of which are helping in the care of our aging parents so I’m doing it alone despite having siblings. I also had an extremely traumatic birth experience, almost died, and am absolutely terrified of doing that again. I wish I had more time to consider but I’ll be 40 in October and I have to do IVF again to conceive so I really need to find some peace.

Hello!
Any other Mamas (or birthing persons) out there that feel so confidently one and done until they ovulate? I know my limits and I am soo content with my son but damn, when I ovulate I have all of this doubt that my husband and I made the right choice (he had a vasectomy last year) and then I spiral. Maybe we could handle it, our son (4y) would be so good with a sibling, my husband would love to have more kids…yada yada yada. How do you get your stupid primal brain to shut the hell up?

Why would anyone have more than one kid? I get having ONE. We didn't know how BAD and HARD things could get. Now, after going through PREGNANCY, LABOR, NEWBORN, SLEEP REGRESSIONS, TEETHING, TANTRUMS, why would anyone think, " Wow, let's have another one?" For real, I would *never* do this to myself again. Like, I hate myself too, but not to THIS point; I'm not THAT masochistic to go through this again.

No, THANK YOU. One and done. Getting my tubes removed, actually. 100% removed, not tied, mind you.

By: a very, VERY exhausted mom with no village (the village is me and my husband) with a VERY hard seven-month-old who is teething and crying all night.

Our only started kinder today! We're lucky enough that I've not had to work. But now that he's in full day school I don't know what to do with all my extra time. So I'm just curious how other stay at home parents organize the day/week. Currently there's no plan to rejoin the workforce.

Edit: I plan to help at school when they ask for volunteers!

My only is a toddler approaching 2 and our favourite thing to do is go through my Snapchat memories of the past 20 months. She LOVES watching “baby” cry or babble or splash water everywhere. It’s our favourite thing to do before bed, watch a few videos of baby her.

But once we reach newborn, it goes blank.

I have a gazillion videos from the moment I woke up after my c section but none leading up to her birth. None of my labour, nothing from the moment the contractions started. Just 1 video my husband took before we went into an emergency section.

I feel so heartbroken. Like someone robbed me of this moment. I don’t blame my husband or anyone tbh, he was equally stressed and we weren’t sure what was going on at the time but I’m one and done and I have nothing but my memories. And even then I feel like my brain only remembers what it can. Is it accurate? Who knows…

I want to see and experience it all again, for my only. Not for another kid that I don’t want.

I don’t know why this makes me so emotional but I just wish I had a few more pictures or videos of the most vulnerable moment in our lives.

Has anyone else gone through similar of being OAD and having no videos or pictures of their labour? How do you deal with the emotions and upset? I’m so angry at myself more than anything for not remembering to ask my husband. 😭😭😭😭

The thought makes me want to burst into tears, I’d love to see the day my life changed forever just once! I feel so pathetic lol

We are currently discussing TTC our first.

It is important to me to be able to provide our child with a lifestyle and opportunities that include a nanny and private school (for various reasons). I have a difficult relationship with my own sibling, as does husband, though to be honest I have always wanted a bigger family of my own. Additional context is that I have endometriosis, so if one child is what we get I would be thrilled with that.

I also worry that if our child has any additional needs (I am ND), this may stretch our resources/capacity if we had multiples.

We want to retire early from our corporate careers, and all of the above means we could make this happen with one child, but not two or three.

Husband wants multiples and is not concerned with these lifestyle factors (nanny, schooling etc). Would be happy with nursery/state school.

How do you square this circle? What factors did you include when deciding? Grateful for any insights from any similar situations!

I am that mum, that kid, that DIL, that friend, that co worker who raves about OAD life! There's so many big and little perks and it truly is the best of both worlds.

I've been told I should be more quiet because others lifestyles choices to have lots or support those that do. Idk though. I'm mostly celebrating my daughter and family. For example, I said how nice it is not to split up on airplanes and we all get to sit together! I don't say things like, "your life seems like hell to me" obviously that is tactless.

It seems to me even though, in Canada, the stats are seeing more OAD famillies. The culture norm is still to have more. And I feel people dont want to hear we're happy!

When you're thinking of having kids or not there's this question they ask: how do you imagine a holiday dinner table when you're old? I always answer full, with grandchildren running around and lots of people laughing.

But when I imagine the getting there part, pregnancy, childbirth, newborn, exhausted with kids, two car seats, two strollers, fighting, crumbs everywhere, yelling, constant mess, no time to myself, nooooo thank you.

My kid is perfect. Childbirth was...not. I don't want another. But I want the good parts of what people with happy large families have. And when I see old women with lots of kids they seem happy with many loved ones. But they also are always planning and managing, even as old ladies. I don't have that kind of energy. I don't even have any family living in my town. My siblings and my husband's siblings don't have kids so my kid doesn't have cousins.

Can anybody relate to grieving the imagined future? I don't feel the need to give my daughter siblings but I like the idea of holiday chaos later.

We're told only children are spoiled.
Selfish.
Unable to share.
Bad at friendships.

That isn't a personality profile.
It's a stereotype built on a single study, published in 1896, that has never been replicated.

But psychology has been studying only children for over a century since, and here's what it actually found:

➡️ Only children match firstborns academically, and in many studies, outperform them. A review of over 500,000 participants published in Psychological Bulletin found no meaningful difference in intelligence between only children and those with siblings.

➡️ Only children score higher on measures of creative thinking than children with siblings. Researchers attribute this to more unstructured alone time, the kind that builds imagination, self-direction, and independent thought.

➡️ The social skills gap doesn't exist either. A landmark meta-analysis found only children are no more selfish, no more lonely, and no less socially competent than children raised with siblings. What shapes social development isn't the number of people in the house. It's the quality of relationships inside it.

➡️ Only children consistently show stronger, more secure attachment to their parents. More one-on-one time, more attuned conversation, more emotional availability, all of which are the documented foundations of a securely attached child.

So if you're a parent who has one child, here's what to remember:

1. ⁠Stop absorbing the stereotype on their behalf. Every time you apologise for having one child, or qualify your family as "just the three of us, your child absorbs the implication.
2. ⁠Know what actually shapes character. It isn't siblings. It's the quality of connection they have with you.

Your child doesn't have a syndrome.

They have your full attention, and the science to prove that's enough.

Just posting this for some positivity ✨💗

We’re currently abroad in Greece with our 8 year old and it’s been blissful. I don’t like to highlight my positivity by bringing other families down so there won’t be any comparisons to how families with multiples might struggle - as I just don’t know! But I’m very glad to have my one and only.

We’re spending a lot of time at the pool and she’s swimming pretty much all day or eating ice cream while my boyfriend (now fiancé!!!) and I take turns watching her so the other can relax.
I read a book for four hours yesterday, got a tan, and even managed to go for a walk while listening to a podcast. This is probably the closest I can get to having a child-free holiday while still having my child with me 😂

Currently at the park with my only. She's happily playing by herself, climbing, going down slides, running around, occasionally pretend play and bringing me "food" from her store- but mostly entertaining herself.

Meanwhile, a dad is here with his two kids, pretty close in age, I'd guess 5-7. One kid wants to be pushed on the swing, one kid is yelling at Dad to come play a game with him on the playground. A few minutes ago, one wanted to ride his scooter around the park but the other wanted to climb... They do not have any interest in playing together and dad is struggling...

I know this is a smalllllll tiny window into their day, I'm sure the kids do frequently play together, buttttt I think it's also helpful to see/know that siblings are not automatic play mates.

Today my almost 5-year-old asked me why she never has play dates. It broke my heart. We hang out with our friends who have children her age (and those kids are very much her friends as well!) probably every 2-3 weekends and she loves spending time with them, but I can tell she wants more socializing with friends. She’s on week 2 of the new school year and already asking for play dates with specific new friends.

I’m so bad at making mom friends and have a really hard time relating to other moms. I’m a bit younger than the other moms at her school (I’m 28 and most of the other parents are late 30s) and I present myself a lot more alternative than other parents (colored hair and tattoos, and I live in the Deep South where a lot of people avoid or look down on me) so it’s hard for me to connect with parents. People are very judgmental. I’ve even had a parent ask me if “the dad is involved” minutes after meeting me (yeah I’m married to her dad!)

Additionally, with the way her school is set up there’s very little interaction between parents at drop off and pick up. So I don’t even know how to connect with other parents. Do I ask her teacher for her friends’ parents’ phone numbers? Do I write a note and ask for it to be put in her friend’s backpack? Her birthday is coming up and we’re not throwing a party this year but I was thinking about making goodie bags for her class and including little cards with my phone number for playdates? Is that stupid? I need some logistical advice with how to make this happen for my girl. I love her so much and I hate the idea of her being lonely. The idea of talking to other parents and possibly being rejected makes me super anxious but I’ll do anything to mitigate her only-child loneliness :(

About to close our IVF chapter and man… the OnlyChild reddit is so depressing? Everyone is so alone there. And I literally don’t know what to do. We’ve already decided against adoption for now.

Is being an only really going to be that bad as an adult???? Our 6 year old seems pretty happy but I’m so worried as we get older it will be harder for her

Would love to hear from parents who were also only child?

I’ve dealt with crazy working mom guilt since my daughter was born just over 5 years ago. It’s wild because wanting to be a sahm was not something I would have ever considered before marriage. In fact, I wasn’t sure that I wanted a child at all. I’ve been in a lot of therapy and worked on this. Things are better now that she’s starting full time school, but over the past 5 years I’ve just felt like I was doing something wrong- something I’d regret- by working. Wishing I could spend more time with her and that all the time I am with her needs to be super count.
I kept working because I am the breadwinner, kind of by a lot. It’s a high paying job and even though full time, I really only work like 30 hours, from home. I want to provide all the extras for her- the schools, the extracurriculars etc..
But like, I have so little time as is! How could I possibly add more to this puzzle? And how guilty would I feel about splitting this time even thinner with another? These are the things I just can’t wrap my head around. I find myself frazzled and at the end of my rope by the end of the day. I worry I’d have even less patience with more.

I’ve been fence sitting basically since my kid (turning 3 soon) was born. Newborn phase totally kicked my ass. My kid is highly spirited and not a good sleeper, so toddler phase also currently kicking my ass. I love my child more than anything but I’m perpetually exhausted - physically, mentally, emotionally. In a perfect world where we had more money, more help, more space, more energy, I would love to have a second, but that’s not reality. It’s on my mind almost every day and I’m having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that my family likely won’t look how I always imagined it.

So I guess I’m wondering - how is it that I’m seemingly the only person I know who only has one/is planning to be one and done? I follow ~500 people I went to high school or college with on social media and I’m not exaggerating when I say that there is literally only one couple I know who has an only (an acquaintance from HS). Everyone else either already has 2 or are expecting their second or third. A couple I went to college with is having their 3rd in less than 3 years. So in the time span my one kid has been alive, they’ve brought 3 into the world. It’s just mind boggling to me.

I guess I find it confusing. I can’t be the only person out here thinking parenting is really fucking hard. So why is it that seemingly no one else is considering being one and done? Is it just so horrible to imagine having an only child that literally everyone is willing to put themselves through the stress of pregnancy, postpartum, toddlerhood insanity? Not to mention the financial burden of putting multiple kids through daycare, extracurriculars and college?

I don’t really know what I’m looking for by writing this. Sometimes I can’t help look at all these people and think “they’re doing it..how come you can’t?” and feel super inadequate. And while I would love to have another and experience all the joy and love, I also know that my mental health is already suffering just having one. So why does it feel like I’m the only person I know who is willing to recognize and honor my own limits? Or is it just easier for other people? I just don’t know. I’m finding watching everyone I know go on to have more children to be very difficult even though deep down I know I cannot handle another. Its sort warped my sense of time and makes me feel anxious every time I see it, and I can’t help feel like there’s something wrong with me.