r/oneanddone

I hope this is the right place for this. I’m not using the fence sitting flair because my husband and I are 100% OAD, even though I wanted two children and he only wants one. But we talked about it and I ultimately agreed, and he got the Big Snip, so it’s done.

But there is a part of me that is sad. I feel sometimes like I’ve lost something, which isn’t fair because I haven’t lost anything at all. In fact, I’ve gained a beautiful, bright, healthy baby girl whom I love more than life itself.

So I’m just here in my feelings I guess.

To be clear, there is a part of me that feels real, genuine relief that I don’t have to do this again. I had a rough pregnancy. My baby was an emergency c section and I lost a critical amount of blood. We both almost didn’t make it. And that was before all the parenting hardships even started.

I think about how I never have to do the newborn sleep deprivation again and I feel relieved. I think about how, once she’s out of diapers, I’ll never have to change a diaper again. I feel good when I donate the clothes she’s grown out of, like “phew, we’re out of that stage now too!”. All of these experiences bring be a sense of relief.

I passionately believe that every child deserves to be wanted, and I never wanted to be in a position where I’m like, talking a partner into having a baby. I believe children should be a 2-enthusiastic-yes decision. My husband was a firm “no”, and well you can’t compromise and have half a kid. So when I agreed to OAD, I fully meant it. No regrets.

But still these feelings linger. How do I let go of this? How did you make peace with being OAD when you pictured something else?

As the title says, I’ve been sitting on the fence whether to be OAD since my first child was born. Then after couple years I wanted to have a second but it wasn’t possible due to living in a very high cost to living area and not being able to get daycare for 3 years. I’ve wanted a second for a while now but now that I’ve had time to really think about it I feel like it’s not the best choice. I would love to have another and have a two kid family but we have a huge shortage of resources, no daycare so that means a second would need a nanny which is financially very difficult. There is not enough childcare where I live. Also have no family support or help due to no grandparents nearby/no interest from them. We need a bigger place but housing is so expensive so that makes it challenging also. Maybe it wouldn’t be fair to my first to have a second since we have no real resources and it would be difficult financially. I just fear I will regret it later. I also don’t have a relationship with my sibling and neither does my partner so I know it’s not a guarantee at all that they would even like each other. Has anyone else been fence sitting for a while? Or recently made a decision? I need some advice.

To those of you who are one and done by choice, what is your go to way to end any questions on “why”?

I’m getting tired of being pressed.

I’m pregnant with my first (and only) child and am so incredibly tired of seeing the “only child syndrome” or “only children are lonely and sad” comments. It’s frankly, annoying.

I have one sibling that is 6 years older than I am and I loathe him for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that he abused me in ways a sibling never should. I also grew up extremely lonely and felt a lot like an only child due to the age gap. And the “but that’s a lot to put on your childs plate when you and your partner age” issue is also bs. I can guarantee my sibling will NOT care or chime in on what happens to our parents when they’re very old. It will all come down to me.

A long winded post to just say that you can be lonely and have everything fall on your plate when it comes to aging parents even WITH a sibling. I guess I really just needed to vent.

Aside from one neighbor who has a single adult son, everyone else that was there had multiple kids... 2 was the common number but there was also a mom of 3 pregnant with a 4th.

It was a little hard seeing the heavily pregnant lady as that would have been me if things went right. I'm still grieving as the baby we lost was due July 10th (I delivered her in January) so this is a rough week but also now feeling like this is right for my life/sanity even though I wish we didn't lose her. There were young kids not even being watched, one little girl was trying to grab a tiny dog's leg, no idea where her mom was.

I don't have my attention pulled. I can stop/correct my child from doing something potentially dangerous. Thankfully the girl stopped bothering the dog.

Anyway it seemed like a lot of chaos and I got overwhelmed plus it was hot so we only stayed an hour and I'm definitely still an introvert lol. I didn't get to meet the moms that had girls my daughter's age because I couldn't tell where they were! So the only people we really get to talk to was the older retired couple (who were awesome and have a granddaughter our kid's age (their daughter has a 3 yr old and a 1.5 yr old, I silently thought how are they surviving? I could never). Plus next door neighbors we already met. At least I attempted socialization... It's gotta get better at some point right? Sigh. Trying to make mom friends is hard as heck.

When people used to ask me if I wanted kids, my reply was “if I have a clock, it isn’t going off.” I never had baby fever. Having a child was a logical rather than emotional choice for me. That said I always also said “max of two.” And I think while I was open to having one it wasn’t an avenue I fully considered. My daughter is almost two. I feel like everyone around us with a kid her age is already pregnant again or planning to be. Meanwhile most of my circle is childfree and even single. I’ve been thinking lately that having one kiddo is sort of the perfect in between in that I probably relate more to my childfree friends than people that want 3+ kids 🤔

It’s interesting because I keep reading on this and other OAD subs about this intense urge to have the first child and then not again. What about those who didn’t feel that urge in the first place?

I love my son, but I was already the easily-overwhelmed-and-stressed type before I had a baby. This exacerbates that tenfold. I think he's perfect, and I want to spend all of my time and energy focusing on him. I think the demand of having two or more would take my attention away from him and be too much for me.

I hope I stand my ground. My partner's already talking about trying for another in the spring (I'm getting sick with overwhelm at the thought of that).

I'm not a parent yet, but my husband and I have been talking about trying in the next year or so. I always just assumed I'd have two kids (I'm the youngest of two) but after months of reflection, I think OAD is the life that would work best for us. We have a small house, employment in fields that are steady but without ample promotion opportunities, and small families about two hours away. It just seems like OAD aligns with the resources we have available. Plus, I smile at the image of a triangle family and giving everything we have to our child.

A few days ago, I saw a comment on a parenting sub, I think it was r/fencesitter. I'm sorry I don't have a screenshot, but basically the comment said, "You should have one fewer child than the number of children you think you can handle."

What are your thoughts on this sentiment? I see a lot of posts here where people share they are OAD after experiencing the challenges of parenthood, so I'm just curious if this sentiment resonates with this community.

As for me, this comment activates some anxiety and has me second guessing whether I can do parenthood at all. If I think I can handle only one, does that mean I really can't handle any? Hoping to hear thoughts from folks who were OAD by choice before parenthood.

TIA. And if you happen to be having a hard parenting day while reading this, just know that this non-parent admires your OAD life and knows you are doing your best ❤️

Husband is likely logical in only wanting one due to our resources and mental health. So that's what we're doing. I have been spending a lot of time w friends and family who are pregnant with a second or have a second. My heart drops to my stomach whenever I see them. The rollercoaster of my own emotions on this topic is overwhelming me. Not to mention the roller coaster through each menstrual cycle that obviously does not result in a baby. I thought I had somewhat accepted this but i cried in front of my loved ones a few times this week.

This sub has been so helpful for me. I'd love some more encouragement about what one and done has done to positively impact families' lives.

We are going to Disney World to celebrate our kid’s 8th birthday. In the past, we have gone with her cousins, and sometimes a few friends or a grandparent. This time the timing didn’t work out so it’s just us. We’re already in the middle of summer and even with camps, our kiddo is kind of lonely. She used to have other only-children friends, but since we moved everyone has siblings and kind of keep to themselves. My husband and I are excited to just be us, but I am also really concerned that the kiddo won’t have as much fun without anyone her age, or a grandparent, not to mention we will be the only playmates there for her. Is there a way to find her a buddy there?? Are we grownups even going to have any opportunity to relax? Was this a huge waste of money and we will be miserable and bored? Please help I am kind of spinning out a bit.

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for the encouraging replies. It’s been a weird week with our extended family and local friend group so I think I needed the reassurance. And the suggestions are reminding me of all the reasons we decided to do this in the first place! Birthday button (kid dreams of them), water slides (I love them) character dinners (hubs loves them, esp. the Beast), matching fob bracelets, doing the same ride 4 hours straight (why!? Idk, only the kid knows…). Ready to make some memories.

OK I’ll keep this short, promise.

I have a great 9 year old. She’s kind, she doesn’t exclude anyone, and she has friends!

Some weekends she has multiple play dates, going from one to the next to the next.

Some weekends she has none. She doesn’t get invited to many birthday parties (not sure if they’re even happening). Is it silly to think that’s bad? She has friends but she doesn’t really have a best friend, or even a ‘group’ yet really.

I don’t know what’s normal. It often feels like she is most of her friends’ second choice, but I’m not sure that’s right…I personally have so many issues about her socially. It’s not about me, but I suffer in silence.

Should she be chatting with friends all day and always wanting to hang out with a friend? I posted here because she’s an only and even tho I love our little family I feel guilty and if she’s not with a friend, she’s the only kid around obviously.

Anyone else relieved when they see multi children families?

I love my child but he is 3, and everyone around me in having the next kid. 2 children families feel complete in pictures too.

However, when I look at families with two kids and more, I feel relieved thinking I would not have to go through this again. Our hands would not be as full in the airports, I would rather take more vacations, buy a smaller house with a nice view than go for bigger house solely due to necessity and practicality.

And honestly, even if I had more money, far more to comfortable afford another child, I would not. I love my child but did not get to enjoy the motherhood experience (horrific abuse from my birth family, that continues to this day, despite going NC)

For a long time I regretted being a parent as I had no bandwidth left after surviving (and still continuing) the childhood I had.

It feels like seeing multi children families is my guilty pleasure where I feel, “okay I have it better than them”

But I also know when I think about this often, perhaps I wanted a second and that is why I constantly compare internally and try to figure out how we are better off with one etc?

I always wanted a daughter and I would perhaps always miss that aspect. But I am so relieved to be one and done.

One surprising thing—
I loved kids when I was in my 20s. I would bring neighbour’s kids to my place and play with them for eternity. Yet now, I profoundly want nothing to do with other’s kids. Yes they are cute but I would rather not do anything with them. I love watching videos of them though.

Rant

I am traveling for work and thinking a lot about my “baby” (18m) who is home with my partner. We have decided quickly that we are OAD due to mental health (PPD/anxiety), lifestyle and careers. I am happy with our decision but I realize i really am so sad about postpartum and the first weeks of my baby’s life, i would give so much to be able to go back there. I had bad PPA, latching and feeding issues, did not handle the lack of sleep well at all and felt completely useless and like a failure for at least 4 months of baby’s life. My partner was great with her and they developed an amazing bond while i was feeling so sad, scared and lonely. I still feel like i failed her because i couldn’t be there for her to calm her down and make her feel safe (though my partner could). Now we have a much better connection but it makes me so incredibly sad to think that my baby didn’t have her mom there properly for the beginning of her life (of course i was there but i just couldn’t handle a lot if it well so i would give her to my partner a lot and instead worry, google and cry :(

I sometimes fantasize about having a second and getting another chance at that experience and while i know 100% that that won’t fix my pain and there’s no guarantee it would go better - I just can’t shake the wish to try. Luckily i am an adult with a functioning brain and i know why I absolutely won’t do it but the feelings just stay with me and it’s just challenging to face them.

I guess i’m just looking for solidarity from anyone who is also grieving their newborn phase and has any words of wisdom or just wants to share their feelings.

Anyone who has decided to be OAD due to medical reasons? I feel sad. I am one and done as a result of my chronic illness. I never saw myself as a mother of an only child, I wanted 2 or 3. But considering how sick I got, it is a miracle I have even one child. I love my 3yo daughter and feel sad my girl will never be an older sister.

My daughter has also blessed me with being a perfect kid, honestly best kid I could imagine, no major tantrums, great with food. So this is kind of deceiving I guess, I know that I probably couldn’t have two perfect kids lol 🫠

But I feel sad. Every time someone I know announces their subsequent pregnancies I feel awful and start grieving again.
And the comments I sometimes hear from clueless people. „When are you having a brother for your girl?” „Come on, give her a sibling so she won’t be alone”. I even heard it from my own mother who knows how sick I am. I usually can look after my daughter properly and give her what she needs but there were times and probably will be when I was so sick that other people had to take over more than I wanted to.

Technically I could get pregnant, my chronic illness has nothing to do with my reproductive health but I can’t go through pregnancy again, the last one was terrible and I though I wouldn’t survive it. Afterwards all the hormonal changes also made me worse. I acquired my illness from medical malpractice and it was absolutely preventable and I feel mad that it all happened to me and robbed me of so many things, including having a bigger family. I am happy I have the one child, she is my everything, but damn.

I’m sharing this as a real, honest perspective on going from one child to two. I was originally “one and done,” but ended up having a second while knowing things could change.
I won’t dwell on pregnancy or our specific circumstances, but I’m 31 with a 4 year old and an 11 month old.
Going from one to two has been significantly harder than going from zero to one. My first child was a handful when the baby arrived (they’re three years apart), and even though I had a lot of support including staying at my mum’s for eight weeks it was still incredibly difficult. I felt constantly overwhelmed, frustrated, and angry. Everything became exponentially harder.
Daycare costs doubled. Groceries doubled. Simple tasks like running errands or grocery shopping turned into major ordeals. Getting both kids ready in the morning before work feels like chaos compared to life with just one.
My children aren’t particularly difficult, but after my second was born I had to start medication for ADHD just to cope. I’m doing much better now and have been for the last few months, but I’ll never be the same version of myself I was when I had only one. My entire life has changed, and I’ve had to adapt. I know for certain I won’t be having a third.
This is coming from someone who had support. If I could go back, I would have stopped at one. I love both of my daughters equally, but I’m a better mother and a happier, calmer person with just one child.
With one, our relationship was wonderful. Life felt manageable, balanced, and genuinely joyful. I had an easier time with daycare costs, daily routines, spontaneous outings, and finding babysitters. My career was going well and I had more financial breathing room. Overall, life with one child was better than it had been before kids.
Now with two, even on a high dose of ADHD medication, I don’t feel even close to the version of myself I was with one. The intense, all consuming bond I had with my first hasn’t been replicated with my second it feels like my love and attention are split. Yes, it’s beautiful watching them together and having two girls, but in all honesty we have far more hard days than easy ones. Life feels constantly overstimulating.
I’m so grateful for medication because I genuinely couldn’t manage without it right now. But that alone says a lot.
I love my children deeply. This isn’t about them it’s about the reality of how much harder two has been for me. If you’re on the fence about going from one to two, this is just one honest voice from the other side.

Hi all!

I just wanted to share some single children in nostalgic millennial movies/shows I’ve been watching lately after my sweet, sweet daughter goes to bed at night. Yes, I’m 33 and still watch the same movies/shows over and over, haha.

1. I’ll state the obvious first: Rory (and Lorelei) Gilmore!

2. All of the ladies in The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants (movies, books differ a little, if I remember correctly) other than Tibby who has a much younger sibling.

3. Mia in The Princess Diaries.

4. Sabrina in Sabrina The Teenage Witch.

5. Essentially all of the main characters in One Tree Hill - obviously Lucas and Nathan are estranged siblings but they live in different houses and hate eachother for the first few seasons, haha. Same goes for the brother Peyton found out about at one point (who we never see again), and Haley’s from a big family but we never see her siblings.

6. Topanga and Shawn in Boy Meets World.

7. Donna and Jackie in That 70s Show.

8. Susan Mayer/Delfino has a daughter in Desperate Housewives before having her son later on in the series - big age gap so the kids never live together as siblings, and are raised as single children.

9. Kate in John Tucker Must Die.

10. Charlie in The Santa Clause.

I also grew up loving Sarah Dessen’s books, and a lot of the main characters (and their friends) are single children, and the books that have characters with siblings often have animosity between them. Sarah Dessen has one child, so who knows if there’s a connection there.

This is not meant to slam anyone with multiple children - I grew up with siblings and while we fought all the time growing up and there are some old wounds there (for me), I loved my childhood with them. This is simply something I wanted to share as I notice this more now that my husband and I have made the conscious choice to be OAD, and while it’s absolutely the right choice for our family, I still feel wobbly about it sometimes and like some (albeit fictional in these cases) reassurance!

What movies/shows did I miss?! :)

As I stated, I'm an OC and whilst I absolutely hated it I think its as a direct consequence of trauma in the absence of any buffer ie, a sibling.

its fine to be OAD. i have five children and they are wildy expensive to raise and I absolutely understand the economic uncertainty facing young couples.

my words of wisdom though?

please respect the vulnerability of your OC.

if they face familial trauma or abuse they have no sounding board for their experience; nobody who also experienced the situation, nobody to reassure them that they aren't a bad, unworthy person beause the trauma is shared and that would necessarily mean that two/three or more kids are inherently unlovable/deserving of abuse, which is orders of magnitude less likely.

solely experienced or unwitnessed trauma does one hell of a number on the nervous system. in the book 'the body keeps the score' the authour alludes to a protective effect of siblings in navigating adverse childhood experiences.

so please, anybody who is considering OAD please make extra certain that your spouse is capable of being a good and loving partner and parent. please be extra sure to take care of your health and that of your spouse. under no circumstances allow people whom you are not 100% well aquainted with access to your OC. please remove your child from the vicinity of people who are even slightly inclined towards unkindness, yes this includes family members.

As the parent of an OC you are their only buffer between the child and a hard world. Respect this vulnerability on behalf of your OC - especially if you had siblings yourself.

I understand this is all sound advice, should really be the default setting of parenthood and also applies to parents of more than one child. However, the damage to an OC who experiences adverse experiences cuts so much deeper and inherently less resilient OC who suffer are at real risk of a higher likelihood of mental health issues, especially anxiety disorders. Therefore I thought it was possibly worth posting here just in case anybody hadn't really considered the unique vulnerability of the OC and made stringent plans - as far as humanly possible - to safeguard them from traumatic experiences.

That said, I hope OAD becomes more normalised, as im certain it will and that OC can begin to feel less of a 'lack' in their family situation as they will not be absolutely surrounded by peers with siblings.

Looking for opinions, advice, whatever. My husband and I always thought we would have two kids until my son came along. He’s great, smart and energetic and kind of crazy (in a typical 3 year old way).

My husband and I both work full time in healthcare and I own my own practice which feels like another baby at times. We’re feeling OAD due to exhaustion from work and trying to entertain a highly active toddler.

Recently, my son has been pushing and shoving a lot at daycare, we’ve had appointments with OT and had a child psychologist observe him at daycare. I feel like we have that under control but people in our lives keep saying that having another child will be good for him. I know that’s ridiculous and there’s a million bad outcomes for having a second child but I do feel low key guilty and anxious about my son’s future all the time.

I know this is a word salad but looking for feedback, thoughts, moral support. Something 😅😅

Spending the 4th of July with my husband and almost 4 year old. Ive been painting, bed rotting, spending time with my son and just overall relaxing. I don't think this would be as possible and easy if I had more than one kid. I feel selfish sometimes but I love how much I am able to pour into myself which I feel like helps me be a good mom!!