I loved naming my son (Ian). I think a second son would have been Owen. I'm less sure about a second that was a girl, though. I did have an early miscarriage before my son and I named her Bethany (after the miscarriage). If she had been born I think she would have been Irene.
Husband (41) and me (36). We have one amazing 3-year-old.
I always pictured having more than one child, and I’ve brought it up before over the years. My husband has been clear that he wants to be one-and-done, and we’ve worked through this a lot in therapy. We’ve agreed to prioritize our marriage, and most of the time I truly feel okay with that choice—and I’ve made a lot of progress.
But I still get hit with waves of sadness. Pregnancy announcements from friends or even acquaintances can trigger that “what if” feeling. It’s not constant, but it sneaks up on me.
Lately, it’s felt more final. I’ve developed an autoimmune condition and now need medication that isn’t safe for pregnancy. Even if we did revisit the conversation, it would involve a lot of planning and risk. It just makes everything feel more… closed.
I think part of me held onto a tiny bit of hope that maybe things would change someday. And now it feels like that door is actually shutting.
I know this might sound silly since I’ve already been working toward accepting being OAD, but the sense of finality has been hitting me harder than I expected. I love our family. I just didn’t expect the grief to linger like this.
Has anyone else gone through something similar - especially when circumstances made the decision feel more permanent? How did you process that shift?
I’m now realizing we should have had more than one 😑
my daughter is graduating from HS on Thursday and all the emotions are driving me crazy. No party because we have literally no family (neither me nor my husband have siblings, his parents passed and mine are in Germany - and they don't understand the American graduations anyways). We really not close with anyone who lives around here - that's fine we can deal and she is kind of used to it anyways.
Ex military family so we never really got to lay down deep roots. We will take her to a nice dinner and that will be just fine. What really hurt my heart for her though was that she started making a wish list for her dorm mainly and looked at me earlier, started laughing and said I actually don't know why I'm even making this - I have no one to send it to. I know she laughed about it but I could tell it bothered her a little given that all her friends are telling her about everything the are getting in the mail already. And then she cried. Real tears. This child hardly ever cries and it's not something I'm used to. She will get what she needs but I think to her, half the fun of this is just getting surprise "gifts" and just feeling "loved" because someone thought of her. Everything is so emotional right now with all these big chnages and her feeling "excluded".
It's such a "first world" problem and I am not a
"gentle parent" but that shouldn't mean I can't be a little sad for our situation. Thanks for coming to my whining and thank you for any advice.
Someone on another sub said those of us on this sub are smug and obnoxious about the fact that we only have one child. Are we?
One and done not by choice, due to partner's organ transplant at the time I was thinking of another. Profound grief over what I thought my life, and my child's life would be, without a sibling and potentially without a parent. Today they walked across the stage at high school graduation, head held high with both parents cheering. I couldn't be prouder of the human they have become. They often talk with me about how being an only shaped who they are and how glad they are we have a family of 3. Very well socialized, lots of friends, and a beautifully close relationship with both parents. I can't wait to see what they do next as an only child! Just felt like I needed to share a win with all those who are in the trenches. There are beautiful moments!
New dad here, just brought our son home from the NICU a few days ago and he’s doing great. His pediatrician is not worried at all (yay!).
Long story short: my wife was told after we had our son that we can’t have any more kids. She was a high risk and this really took a toll on her health. So we most likely will be one and done with just our boy. I’m fine with it. My wife wanted more kids so its a bummer for her but I think she’s made SOME peace with it.
My question is what is your advice for raising and only child? Me and my wife both grew up with siblings and we felt like there were lots of benefits to that, But I worry about our son not having siblings.
We have lots of family in town, lots of friends with babies. We’re the first in both our families to have a baby but my sister and her husband are probably gonna start trying soon.
I know some adults who were only children who are super well adjusted… but I also know some adults who still act like “only children” if you get my drift lol.
Any dads with only one kid or any only children all grown up who have some advice? I’m all ears!
P.S. I’m sorry if this offends anyone, not at all my intention but let me know if I could have worded anything differently.
I haven’t seen a post about this so I thought I would see if anyone find this relatable. My son is 2.5yo and I nursed him day and night for two years, we co-slept from birth and then bed-shared from 4m onwards (and still do). We did contact naps exclusively for the first year - year and a half. Baby wearing all day. Basically I have been very highly responsive to my child’s needs and have tried to create a secure and emotional connection from day dot (I know this isn’t the only way, or the right way for all, everyone is so different, it was just my way).
Anyway, I really don’t see how I would be able to offer a second child the same level of commitment without leaving my firstborn to himself, most of the time. Nursing a newborn and coping with latch issues etc. it’s a full time job 😅 Or, divide and conquer with my husband so that we will essentially be two families living separate lives for at least a year or two but under the same roof.
I meet mum’s in my playgroups all the time, who are so loving and caring with their two children, they seem to love it and carry it with such grace, their kids genuinely also look so happy and healthy, so I definitely know it’s a me ‘issue’ and other parents are doing amazing! But with ADHD and OCD I am at capacity!
I guess the only way to do it if I really wanted two would be to have a really large age gap, but starting over never sounded appealing to me, actually it sounds like a nightmare (even though I miss the baby giggles and cuddles) 😅
Anyone else have these thoughts?
Hi guys!
I wonder if you can help. I’m currently doing a writing course and I’ve chosen to write about the very personal subject of choosing to be one and done largely due to the trauma of having my daughter in October 2020, mid pandemic lockdown. She is now 5 and my essay topic is essentially a letter to her that she can read when she’s older - explaining how the trauma of isolation (and total loss of identity in the extremity leading to PTSA and insomnia) ultimately had a positive effect as it forced me to confront the reality that I was not cut out for more than one child, pandemic or not. And for that I will always be grateful - without the pandemic I would not be the mother I am today.
I want to give her gentle guidance that sometimes the hardest things you experience in life have a way of opening hearts and minds and how precious that is.
Anyway - despite looking hard, I can’t see any specific research out there that studies women (or parents generally) who had first babies in 2020 or 2021, subsequently decided to be one and done because of it specifically.
Are you one of those parents? If so, I’d love to hear a bit about your experience of how COVID impacted your choice (for good or bad) and what this taught you about being a parent. Or even just an up arrow to show you’re in this camp!
Likewise, if you’ve ever seen any research you can point me to, that would be great.
🙏🙏🙏
My son will be 2 in August, over the past six months or so my husband and I have decided to be one and done. These past few weeks I started to go through baby items and sell them on marketplace, a step I was not ready for until now.
Today, one of my friends told me she was pregnant. Earlier this year when I was in the thick of indecision, any time I saw or heard a pregnancy announcement, it selfishly filled me with dread and negative feelings due to my own struggles with deciding to have another or not. Today, I felt nothing but happiness for her and relief that it’s not me that’s pregnant 🤣
Just wanted to share, because six months ago, I could not have imagined feeling this peaceful and at ease with our decision. So if you are in the thick of it right now, I hope this feeling finds its way to you as well 💓
In the past 1.5 years, I’ve had 4 early pregnancy losses, while trying for our second. I have an almost 5 year old daughter who I adore.
I have so much grief today & other days around all these recurrent losses. Unsure if I want to continue trying. I love my life with my daughter as well & don’t want to miss out on time with her.
Help me out- tell me why having 1 kid is the bes
I have been worried about my daughter's socialization skills for about a year now. She was great with adults but not great with other kids. She wasn't mean at all, just very disinterested and painfully shy. It was one of the many reasons we were o&d.
My husband always told me not to worry, he met his lifelong friend in kindergarten. He is an only. I, on the other hand, am the eldest of five and only made best friends when I was in my mid to late twenties. I always struggled to make and keep friends until then.
Well, she just turned three this weekend and made her first friend. I met a mutual mom through a friend a few weeks ago and invited her to the party. Our only daughters are about 5/6 months apart. Her experience in motherhood was eerily similar to mine, and our daughter's seemed like they'd be a match in heaven. I figured if they didn't click, there would be plenty to do where they could avoid each other and still have fun.
Fast forward to this weekend, and they were inseparable. Holding hands, spinning in circles together, sharing, giggling, the joy on my daughter's face was unforgettable. I don't think a better gift could have been given. Best part? Mom and I also get along like two peas in a pod. We easily chatted for hours and excitedly talked about our schedules and when they could come by again.
My big thing was my delight in both our daughter's behavior. No demanding, shoving, pushing, etc. that I had seen from other kids she tried to interact with. They were both just so enthusiastically polite to each other and caring. Nothing like the "selfish" trope people like to say o&d kids are. It was like this breath of relief from both the other mom and myself that our kid was being able to play and not bossed around. We both expected to have to intervene over behaviors and were just so relieved to see it wasn't the case.
I'm just proud. I've been spending three years thinking I was going to have to fight for my daughter's ability to make friends. Now I know my job won't be to push her to make them, but ensure that I keep the opportunities to make/keep them as open as I can.
My coworker visited today & she’s currently on maternity leave with her second baby. It was nice catching up, and I asked her how her older son was doing and how he’s coping with the transition. She said he’s not jealous at all, but that he’s currently in the phase of tantrums and rage fits (he’s 3.5), and how much he irritates and annoys her sometimes. Then she talked about how sweet and chill the baby girl is.
It honestly made me really sad. All I could think about was how huge of a transition this must be for him, and that he probably feels that annoyance too.
Of course I know these are just snippets of someone’s everyday life and not the full picture. Parenting is hard and everyone vents, but that moment kinda stayed with me
I’m firmly one and done 90% of the time. Logically, I know it’s the best choice for me, my mental health, finances, freedom, and honestly for the kind of parent I want to be.
But every month during ovulation it’s like my brain gets hijacked. Suddenly I start thinking maybe I could handle one more. I romanticize babies, siblings, pregnancy, all of it, and in the moment it feels completely real and convincing.
Then ovulation passes and I’m immediately back to “absolutely not, what was I thinking?” 😭
It honestly scares me how strong the hormonal/biological urge feels sometimes. I’m worried one day I’ll confuse temporary hormones with a real long term desire.
Does anyone else experience this? Any tips for dealing with this?
Hi guys! I was curious how many had their baby and they turned out to be neurodivergent due to the fact you are on a spectrum of some sort? My daughter is only 10 months old so there truly isn’t anything that concerns me yet. I was diagnosed late in my 20s, and it really sealed the deal of being OAD!
Looking for things a 6 yo only child can do to burn off energy outside safely with little to no work from parent (where we can just "sit and supervise"). We have a lot of fun plans this summer, both together and with friends, but there are just going to be days when she will need a lot of gross motor movement while us parents will be too tired.
My daughter is 13 months in 4 days, and I can feel things getting easier and easier. She’s talking so much she’s so happy and adventurous yet cautious.
I really don’t think I could have the lovely morning I had today with my daughter if I had two kids. We went out on the porch this morning listened to the birds and practiced her scribbles and drawing. It was amazing. Then we went inside and ate raspberries, yogurt bites and Cheerios and worked on a craft for someone’s birthday.
Being able to have all focus on one kid is amazing. Being able to have that slow morning is a blessing. I’m so happy with our choice. I love this age. 🥰
My husband and I have an almost 2 year-old daughter, and we always said we’d start trying for our second (and last) baby this fall so they’d be about 3 years apart. My husband is 100% on board. Me? I’m panicking.
I go back and forth constantly because I genuinely love our little family of three. I can’t even fathom going through all of this again sometimes, but at the same time, I’d love to give my daughter a sibling. Especially because I grew up with 4 siblings and we’re all incredibly close.
This honestly feels like the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.
I’m a great mom, I know I am, but I also know I don’t want motherhood to become my entire identity. Right now, with one child, I feel balanced. I still feel like me while also getting to be a mom. But when I picture two kids… I feel like I’m drowning before it’s even happening. I NEED sleep, and my daughter still sleeps inconsistently, so the thought of adding another baby into the mix sends me into a spiral.
I really think if my husband was also on the fence, we probably wouldn’t have another. But he’s not. So now I feel stuck wondering if resentment exists either way. Like if we have another, will I resent how hard it is? But if we don’t, will one of us always wonder “what if?”
The thing is… when I think bigger picture and long term life, I lean toward having another. I just don’t know if I can handle the process without feeling overwhelmed or resentful.
Would genuinely love to hear from anyone who’s felt this way before.
A reels came up on my instagram this morning by a content creator happily admitting to getting pregnant when she knew she was nearing the end of her marriage. Not to save the marriage which would have been horrifying in itself, but because she wanted to give her first child a sibling that badly, even with the knowledge that she was about to become a single mom. Shockingly the comment section was super supportive, many even saying they would have done the same.
My jaw was on the floor. Hoping I misread something or that it was satire/rage baiting, but seeing so many people agree with it was astounding. Felt like I was gaslit for a minute. I hate being reminded that OAD is still so demonized.
Update to add more details/context: as the commenters who have seen the video have mentioned, her main purpose of having another was to support her first child so she wouldn’t be alone dealing with divorced parents. She also mentioned her ex was an only and alluded to that being the reason he sucks (paraphrasing, don’t remember her exact words). I do appreciate seeing the different perspectives though so thanks to everyone commenting whether they are as appalled as me or not.
We are OAD and while my daughter is generally a great kid, I’m worried we’ve made a bit of a monster choosing to do things for her because it’s more efficient/less of a battle to just do them ourselves. She’s almost 6 now and I find myself worrying that she should be more independent and if she’d had a little brother or sister she would have had to learn how to do more things herself because we would be occupied with a baby. I love being able to give her all my attention but I would like her to take a bit more responsibility for herself 😅
Have any other OADers experienced this and have any tips?