Title: My dad makes close to $1M a year as a contractor, but you’d think we were living on $35k.
I genuinely don’t understand him anymore.
I’m posting this because I need outside perspectives.
My dad is a general contractor who built his business from nothing. He immigrated to the U.S. from Nigeria after growing up with a huge family and very little money. There were around seven brothers, and from everything I’ve heard, life wasn’t easy. I genuinely respect him for what he accomplished because coming to a new country and building a successful company takes a level of determination I can’t even imagine.
The problem is that despite making an incredible amount of money, he refuses to live like it in any meaningful way, and it’s affecting our family.
To paint a picture:
He drives an ancient car that’s practically being held together by faith.
The handle has literally fallen off.
-He wears shoes until there are holes in the bottom.
-He shops on Temu constantly.
-He argues over every expense, no matter how necessary.
-we live in the hottest state and we don’t even have ac or at least outside it’s usually 85 my dad keeps the AC set to (you wouldn’t believe ) 85 on automatic ☺️😜🤪
-he’s got other law issued expenses that are collecting interest simply because he does not want to pay them
Now before anyone says, “He’s just frugal,” I want to be clear that this goes way beyond normal frugality.
For example, if someone in the family has a medical issue, his first reaction is usually to question whether they actually need treatment. Recently my sister had a serious medical problem that required surgery. The doctors were recommending imaging and treatment, and instead of focusing on helping her, my dad was arguing with the medical staff and insisting they were trying to make money off him.
The irony is that he can afford the treatment many times over.
My mom has honestly carried a huge amount of the burden FAMILY WISE when it comes to making sure her children have healthcare, insurance, educational opportunities, FAFSA paperwork, and everything else. If it were left entirely up to my dad, I genuinely don’t know where we’d be.
Another thing that drives me crazy is how he invests money.
For anyone familiar with Nigerian culture, you may know that many people who immigrate eventually build homes back in Nigeria. There’s nothing wrong with that.
But here’s the thing.
There are generally two routes:
-Build in a major city where the property has investment value, rental potential, and resale opportunities.
-Build in a rural village where the financial return is often much lower.
Guess which option my dad chose.
He spent hundreds of thousands of dollars building an enormous house in his village. (12 rooms, 13 baths, a gaming room, a theater and so on.)
I also wanna mention that our house here in America is falling apart(I remember my mom telling me to bring my friends over and I told her no she said why I said because we live like we’re poor and then she took offense to that but then she also realized that yes we do we don’t even have a. DID I MENTION WE DON’T HAVE AC IN THIS HEAT. did I mention that we don’t have AC enough so that my own sibling had to go buy an AC unit to put in his room.
The issue isn’t that he loves where he came from. I understand wanting to honor your roots.
The issue is that his children were born and raised in America. We barely speak the language. We have very limited connections there. We don’t regularly visit. He also has ongoing issues with much of his extended family.
Realistically, when he’s gone, I don’t know who is even going to use this massive house.
My mom tried explaining that his children, grandchildren, and future legacy are likely going to remain in America. She suggested investing in property here or creating something that directly benefits his family long-term.
His response?
“I’m the head of the household. I can do whatever I want with my money.”
And that’s basically the end of every discussion.
What makes it even more frustrating is that I don’t think he’s a bad person.
In fact, I think he genuinely wants to leave a legacy.
-He gives money to church.
-He helps people who ask for help.(not his fam btw except after a long interrogation of where his money is going and how necessary it is)
-He donates.
-He wants to be remembered as someone who gave back.
But it feels like he’s so focused on helping everyone else that he overlooks the people standing directly in front of him.
-I don’t care about luxury cars.
-I don’t care about designer clothes.
-I don’t care about living in a mansion.
What bothers me is seeing someone with significant financial resources constantly resisting necessary expenses for his own family while simultaneously pouring money into projects that don’t seem practical.
It’s like he’s trying to secure his place in history before securing the well-being of the people who will actually remember him.
At this point, I don’t even know what to say anymore because every conversation turns into an argument. He dismisses advice from family members, professionals, doctors, and pretty much anyone who disagrees with him.
So I guess my question is:
Has anyone else had a parent who grew up in poverty, became successful, and then developed a mindset where spending money on family feels impossible but spending it on symbolic projects or helping strangers feels easier?
If you were in my position, would you keep trying to reason with him, or would you just accept that this is who he is and focus on your own future?
I’m genuinely curious whether this is a cultural thing, a poverty mindset thing, an immigrant thing, a control thing, or some combination of all four.