u/MemeMaster6-4

It’s me again acting Captain Fo’Larn the Caitian on these forums, while the situation with the romulan vessel still has yet to be dealt with another problem has arrived, my beloved pet tribble has gotten into my private stock of real food, naturally now it has multiplied. Luckily my tribble has a collar so I’m not getting them mixed up, however now there are an excess of tribble in my cabin, now killing them is not hard a good dagger through them seems to do just fine however, I cannot let the corpses go to waste. Normally once I feed my tribble I kill the offspring and fry it into nuggets, but with this many I’m thinking I would get tired of nuggets rather fast and as would my husband.

In better news I am confident that my tribble coat will be finished today. But that is not my concern, please tell me how you’d cook your tribble

Hello! Been a while I am acting Captian of the Riviera, Crish Fo’Larn, that being said I(Caitian 22m) was flying my vessel on a mission with my good friend and former science officer(Risian 24f) into the neutral zone, it’s important to note she had just recently been assigned a captaining position aboard a Miranda class vessel called “The Love Boat” presumably a vessel meant to entertain diplomats and such. This should have been a relatively easy mission, after all she was only supposed to deliver some artifact to a romulan captain for peace keeping reasons, my ship was merely there to provide covering fire so they might escape in the event of a situational collapse.

Needless to say there has been one, what my friend hadn’t told me is that she had smuggled quite a ludicrous amount of real alcohol aboard her vessel and had been flying it personally. Now in space it’s a bit hard to notice all the swerving, the Romulans however did in fact notice, I wasn’t monitoring communications between them and the war bird however I did notice their weapon systems charging up…then a message was played across all communications in the area “This is the *burp* star ship….uhhhh lovsh boat…*Retch* romulan cluesure you don’t have parmesan to be here tehehe…pleash stand by for destruction.” I was obviously surprised and immediately began to panic in my head, not only did they have permission to be there she had no reason to threaten them, what do I say to them??? This is important I’d like some advice on the matter

Hello it’s me again, Acting Captain Crish, the Caitian on these forums, I am sorry to write another message on the LCARS forums so soon after the last but something has just happened that I think is wholly unique and it is very important I get some advice. So my away team was being sent on a routine item retrieval mission, it should’ve been a quick in and out, but it appears that the ships of collectors are anything but routine and ordinary. You see while walking around the ship my chief science officer had scanned the wrong thing and was turned into a puppet, how I do not even know! And to make matters worse while I had them in a presumed to be safe location for a puppet, my husband’s targ knocked over my dresser and tore the puppet to shreds!!! What do I do? Do I announce a death in the ship or can I just sew them together?

Hello it’s me again, I(Caitian 22m) was out with my husband, who is a Klingon, and I were both on shore leave. I thought since I had the day off I would engage in a recent Terran pass time I had learned about, vegging out. This concept is not necessarily new to me as I have been under the effects of Terran cat nip before, however marijuana is a very different beast. There I was in my quarters sitting down at my desk purring like a kitten, then my husband comes in and tells me to get dressed it was time to head to the opera. Needless to say I had forgotten about our date, still ever trying to be a good spouse I dressed in the appropriate garb and attended with him. It was all going relatively well granted I was simply just sitting in my seat smiling and purring the entire time, however around the half way point everyone in the building began to cry, presumably the opera was a tragedy. This was about the time my husband clung to me for comfort, I was understandably confused as I did not know what was going on but by the end of the sad portion I was thanked for soothing him, no doubt from the excessive and loud purring. This is where the calm ended however as the opera suddenly got very loud and intimidating, I was effectively frozen as my ears were filled with the roar of dozen Klingons then without warning bat’leths were thrown into the crowd, violence now having erupted, unsure what was going on I did my best to kill as many would be attackers, it was frightening as well as exhilarating. Once I came back to my senses I realized where I truly was and what had happened, fortunately the Klingons love that level of audience participation. The real sadness of the evening was missing out on the culture the opera produced. Has this happened to anyone else?

So just for some background I(Caitian 22m) was training an ensign for his on boarding, this is not my ship, I was brought aboard specifically to help train ensigns as this ship is newer and short staffed, anyway, when we got to the combat portion of their training I handed them one of my melee weapons, now it is important to know that I am a 2 time Bat’leth tournament champion and while I am not a Klingon I do possess a warrior’s spirit, that being said this ensign was extraordinary in combat for a few short moments I thought I might lose and have nothing to teach them…this is all of course before they made the rookie mistake of leaving their legs wide open, being a warrior and well a former pirate I gave them a swift Orion special, that is to say a kick to their groin. This of course made them fall to their knees where I then promptly swung my Bat’leth and removed their head from their body, I admit I had become far too engrossed in the fight and personally I fear they may have too. But, once the dust settled I left the training room covered in just gallons of green blood, when I went to report it to the ship’s captain he shrugged and said something about him being weak. The captain was of course Klingon but I couldn’t help but to think that at least a verbal warning was warranted, tell me, has anything like this ever happened to any of you?

So for context I(22 Caitian male) and mated and married to my husband(26 Klingon male), usually when we disagree we simply duel or beat up mark twain in the holo deck it’s called twaining I think. Anyway, the other night is when this argument came up I am getting ready for bed, self grooming licking myself normal things like that, then when it’s closer to bed time I pull out my Janeway embroidered pillow, I must explain myself, I am obviously gay so I feel no attraction toward the captain, she is just so confident and strong that I know she shall protect me and my husband through aura or spirit alone especially if I get merged with someone in a transporter I know she would brutally murder that abomination without question. However, my husband finds it unnerving, saying our bed is no place for a human female animate or inanimate, I try to explain that it is for our spiritual and physical protection but he finds my explanation lacking in evidence, yet he’s never been merged in a transporter or been without coffee, so explain that. I think it’s perfectly rational like how the humans have a cross in their quarters, but you tell me am I being unreasonable?

So for background I am a 22 year old Caitian male and the acting captain of my own starship, I have always cared about authority and rank even in my days as a pirate. That fact however did attract a rather interesting young woman who we will call “M”, M was amazing for a while, strong, eager to battle and effortlessly confident most of the time, however as time went on I soared through the ranks all the while they somehow stayed an ensign. Any time I would bring it up they would fly into a rage and jump kick something! Anyway one day in the mess hall she simply walked right passed me and didn’t say a word, it was clear to me she was breaking us up, not that I got any say in the matter. Well I thought that was the end of it once she left the ship(kicked out) and I thought maybe I wouldn’t see her again, well now guess what, my ship had to make an emergency landing at star base 80 and she’s here. She keeps attempting to speak to me and keeps pretending like we’re together. I don’t know this situation seems entirely unique has this happened to anyone else in the fleet?

Hello, it’s me again acting captain of the riviera, you may or may not remember me from my recent posts about replicator experiments and lobe removal. Good news about the lobe removal case! I got the ferengi to drop any and all charges(I threatened their life)

But anyway I had spent a night at quark’s now allowed back after the incident and had a few real drinks, not synthetic ones, I am unsure if it’s my Caitian biology or perhaps it’s because synthetic alcohol doesn’t build you a tolerance like normal kinds do but I got extremely drunk. I was walking back to my ship and nature called not wanting to make a mess of the floors I began to look for a restroom. This however was urgent and none was available I did the next best thing and chose a random bucket in a dark and secluded area, clearly unmarked. The next thing I know as I’m using the bucket a shape shifter emerges out of it! He’s furious demanding to know who my commanding officer is and why on earth I did what I did. I try to explain to the smooth skinned individual that I didn’t know he was inside of the bucket and my current predicament. He was unsympathetic to say the least, he identified himself as the chief of security on the station I thought I was in big trouble.

I was surprisingly however let go, because I did him a “favor” with the ferengi brothers, saying they probably won’t try to scam people for a while. Or at least that’s what I imagine happened. I very quickly passed out and woke up aboard my ship and it doesn’t appear as if I am barred from the station. So tell me should shape changers label their buckets?

Look I was playing Dabo you know as one does, then this little troll comes over and tries to push some Dabo girls on me, I obviously declined I like MEN, but he insisted no doubt trying to run up my bill since I was on a winning streak. I ordered a few drinks and was handed a few more, they weren’t going to be free I knew that much but drank I did still, eventually I pass out on the table my winnings stored where they’d never find them, when I come to I see a bill on my wall, 100 pieces of gold pressed latinum!!!

Obviously this couldn’t be right so I look at the bill I was charged for 10 Dabo girls and 400 drinks! I go to the establishment Quirk’s or whatever and grill this ferengi named Nog. He told me that the bill could not be disputed and I would have to work off my bill, this was clearly a trick and as a warrior I have my honor, I challenged him to a fight to clear this whole thing.

The cowardly ferengi ran OF COURSE but my feline legs caught up to him, I tackled him and may or may not have popped off his lobes.

Anyway, are crimes against ferengi still crimes? And will I be held civilly liable even though I challenged them to a fair and honest duel? I need advice from a lawyer preferably Vulcan…or romulan I’m not picky.

Hello it’s me again, I’d like to thank you all for your advice concerning the replicator, the captain has been fired and I have been made acting captain.

But what concerns me is that I(22M Caitian) dueled my Vulcan friend(57M) the duel was amazing to put it lightly I pulled out all the stops and even did my signature spinning move with my Bat’leth, however after the duel and a few hours later his human girlfriend said that I ruined their relationship as he said his needs for pon farr were sated and that he was now “gay” and uninterested, I was simply having fun with my friend, tell me am I the asshole?

EDIT: Yes we made out and had sex too but that was after the duel so it’s irrelevant

I(22M Caitian) and my counterpart(F24 Risian) were discussing the ethical and moral ramifications for eating replicated human meat, I argued that it was no different than eating synthetic betazoid. However she thought that eating humans in any capacity was ethically dubious, so I preposed a test, we would feed some of the crew replicated human meat under the guise of it being pork after the crewman ate it we would tell them of its true nature and take notes. We unfortunately were stopped around the 10th or 11th person by the captain themself. Now we are both banned from using the replicator unsupervised, I thought starfleet was all about science and discovery! The captain is being unfair and obviously targeting my carnivorous background. Let me know am I the asshole?