Struggle with diapers and regression
So grew up with my 6 brothers and parents, my dad was working abroad( only 2 days home in the weekend)
And my mom was studying and raising up 7 boys, because of that stress she used to hit me and my brothers for the smallest things, also my dad when he came home from work. Because of the stress and the pressure in the family, my brothers always had to bully/hit me cause I was a easy target, i rage baited and screamed so badly at them that my mom would give me punishment like wearing diapers to church childcare or even hitting. She would give me those punishments cause I wetted the bed untill 7 and she knew I hated diapers. Because of all this I developed a diaper fetish which I really hate/like, I will talk about that later cause the family situation is way better, I don't get hit anymore but I would say because of my childhoodtrauma I just can't 100% bond with my parents, brothers or even strangers. All of this caused a lot of stress that I couldn't deal easily. with so subconscious I used diaper fetish to cope and when I turned into Christianity it said that using lust is sin.
Maybe it's because of the trauma but I was already so intressted in baby/regression stuff, from pacifiers to blankets, to watching kids shows ext... but the more days I quit the harder it is to regress without relapsing in diapers. Even without diapers, pacifiers and all the other regression things seems to turn me on. At this point I feel like a freak and so disgusted by myself, cause I want to regress but my diaper fetish says "no we can't" and the urges feels like drugs addicted levels.
If you read untill here, thanks a lot. I just needed to type this away from myself and if you have smt similar please let me know I don't want to feel alone in this.