u/MikeNeedsCoffee

Had my second ever session today with at-home troches. I was prescribed 200 mg troches and told to start with half (100 mg) and see how that goes. On Saturday, took 100 mg, let it dissolve, then spit. I felt a bit loopy for a bit, then napped, and felt groggy afterwards. I was pretty neutral on the experience overall. Didn't really feel better or worse the following days.

Today I let the half troche sit between my lip and gums, and I swallowed the saliva as it dissolved over the course of about 30 minutes. This time, it really did give me a solidly dissociative experience. The sense of my physical body kind of melted away. I felt floaty, kind of suspended in air but also dissolved into my bed... I could go into detail, but the bottom line is, I didn't like it! I felt unmoored and uncomfortable... I felt like not being in control was unpleasant and kind of scary, not freeing or mind-opening. I do not look forward to doing this again in 3 days.

So, what the hell? Is 100 mg too high to start with? Do I need to work up to this? I understand that there's some debate as to whether dissociative effects are necessary for therapeutic results (in my case, for mild, persistent depression). But the general consensus seems to be that results and dissociation tend to coincide.

Anyone else have a similar experience to mine and ultimately found relief? Either maybe from modifying their dose or muscling through the discomfort? Also, to be clear, I don't have any particular trauma or life experiences that I'm hoping the ketamine helps me to work through or sort out. My depression really just feels like I was born this way. It would be different if I found the experience unpleasant because it made me remember or confront this-or-that. It's really just, yeah, I'm not vibing with the overall sensation.

This will be my first experience with ketamine therapy for TRD. After doing a good deal of research, I've decided to sign up with Mindscape. Their price is competitive, and I've read generally positive things on this sub.

I did see a couple of replies on one thread, however, where the posts were critical of the quality of the troches they received:

https://www.reddit.com/r/TherapeuticKetamine/comments/1q6ilb5/starting_with_mindscaperx/

I'm a first-timer, so this comment resonated with me: "This would have put me off of K completely if i hadn't had previous more pleasant experiences with other providers' products before"

Anyone that's had experience with Mindscape care to weigh in with their thoughts? Do they source all of their meds from one pharmacy/manufacturer? Do other online providers operate similarly?