Constantly frustrated being in another wavelength.
I'm willing to bet this rant has been ranted before on this community. But, oh well.
I'm just so f'in tired. I can't seem to switch my brain off.
I consider myself rather strongly on the HSP spectrum. I am no genius but at the same time well above the average IQ, a polymath(strong talents in music, hunting, fishing, and a few professional settings just as an example. I learn fast, and i can become far above average skilled at most things with little effort. I have always been highly valued by my employers, and i tend to end up in positions that require independent, reliable people.) I'm HIGHLY intuitive, and to top it all off, i have severe ADHD. People seem to find me rather intense and intellectually intimidating.
When i am in control of my anxiety and rumination i tend to naturally draw in peoples attention and attraction. I have quick wit and tend to control the flow of group conversations without even trying since i tend to talk about my interests with enthusiasm and charm. Not to mention im always happy to share my experiences, lend an empathetic ear and empower other people. I sincerely enjoy watching people grow on a personal level and if i can do something that doesn't cost me too much of myself to push people on their way i happily will.
BUT. Theres always a but. I also tend to attract the attention of negative and envious people. And to add insult to injury im usually very quick to spot these people out, their toxic patterns and behaviours. It's just so absolutely frustrating to watch people fall for their bs over and over. The toxic leader that surrounds themselves endlessly with weak yes men and pushes away any independent thinkers and highly competent people. The married man who just became a father a few months ago flirting with women much younger than him despite being in a relationship, having responsibilities towards his infant and wife just to go put his fake charm on late teen/early 20s girls that don't have the life experience to see through his severely insecure charm and how hes using them to fill the emptiness in his soul. The cool "alpha dog" that obviously has never healed his inner child, creates a tough guy immage and his ego so fragile he's willing to enforce that immage with violence. The flaky girl hitting on me, leaving me breadcrumbs(and shes probably doing it to 4-5 other guys ATLEAST at the same time, they always leave subtle clues and inconsistencies in the words they say over time they think i dont notice) for validation at her behest only to end up staring at me from afar with the most puzzled look after her usual hot and cold manipulative tactics have no effect on me. Thinking i dont see her in my peripheral vision(when you're raised to go out hunting from a very young age, you unconsciously start paying more attention to your peripheral vision)
I just can't stop noticing these things. And the older i get, the easier it is to spot. Toxic people tend to go for me socially and professionally, most day's when im energetic and focused, i'll shoot them down easily like modern FLAK would a ww1 biplane. But it wears me down. It frustrates me and angers me. Eventually ill have no energy left and ill have to withdraw.
I also feel like im at a different wavelength than most people. I feel like i can understand the thought patterns of others rather easily and the motives behind them while when i speak openly about my thoughts and values people seem confused and perplexed, like it doesn't make the slightest sense. Yet i'm the one getting good pay, living a comfortable life, having exposable income for my hobbies. I dont need an expensive car, i dont spend alot on drinking and partying, i dont put money into drugs or online gambling. And that somehow perplexes people. I hate drama, avoid codependency yet i seek out healthy social interactions, which feel few and far between most of the time. When i was a child i rarely enjoyed talking with same age peers, it didnt stimulate my mind so i ended up ostracized.
In the end i have no idea where im headed with this. Im just so tired and lonely, tbh. Even when surrounded by people. Im not sure which feels worse, being alone for weeks on end or being surrounded by people but feeling like im stranded alone on an island inside my head.
Anyways, if anyone bothered reading this, thank you. I needed to rant.