Yooo can anyone relate
I am a complete NPC. No inner monologue, no imagery, no ability to truly think critically or think about anything at all really. My memory is absolutely shot, as whatever it is I’m “thinking” of disappears into the abyss as soon as I have another thought, which isn’t really a thought, just a vague instinctual feeling that I guess is kind of like a thought. For example, in school I wrote literally everything down, because I knew that information would disappear into the abyss if I didn’t. I didn’t retain anything from college, because unless I have those notes in front of me, I just don’t have access to that information. I feel like my brain is broken. & others can tell. They just assumed I’m stoned😭😭😭😭😭😭 but that isn’t always the case.
On one hand, I am an incredibly laid back person. I don’t ruminate on the past & I don’t stress about the future. But I have no access to any memories. I’m constantly living in the present. It’s lonely as fuck. Closing your eyes & it’s just silent & black. I have no escape from my reality, I can’t daydream, I can’t reminisce, I have no creativity whatsoever, I have no interests, I have no feelings, I’m just there, just a vessel. It hurts to know I am missing out on the true human experience by not having access to the full range of human emotions. I have felt this way as long as I can remember. I just feel so alone in this. No one I know can relate to me. I’m a triplet, & both of my siblings are artistically & musically talented, with an inner monologue & visualization & the whole nine yards.
My conversational skills are lacking, I freestyle what I say as I go because my mind is a blank canvas. I don’t like talking with people, I can never think of what to say. I wish I did though. Alcohol makes me feel tired & depressed, makes me think about how lonely & dumb I’ve become. I enjoy doing drugs, especially uppers, because I’m bored & I want to feel something. It’s as simple as that. So stupid. I’m constantly bored. I’m on antidepressants & I take 20 mg of Adderall, sometimes 40, like 4-5x a week. In the back of my head I know I probably don’t have ADHD, I just finessed my way to a diagnosis. Without it I’m tired all the time & even dumber. But like every drug, it’s eventually stopped working. I get no pleasure out of it anymore. It doesn’t make me sociable anymore. I rarely get pleasure out of anything. When I think about a time I felt happy, I just think about the first few times I did MDMA. Artificial happiness😂😂😂😂 which I abused, until it didn’t work anymore , of course.
I’m tired of feeling this way. I have the self awareness to know what I need to do to fix my life, but not the discipline or the motivation. I self sabotage. I don’t take care of myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me man. Sorry for this long post just had to get it off of my chest. I hope no one can relate, but if you can, just know you aren’t alone .