u/Mindless_Yam_4635

Hello, I'm questioning my gender and would love to try out he/him pronouns! Can anyone help? Thank you all! 💪✨

This is my first post ever on Reddit, but I just have to know. It's been bothering me for around a year. I think I might be a trans man, but the thing that's frustrating is that I really don't want to be trans. I want to be able to fulfill my roles as a woman. I want to be all girly and love makeup. I even look up to trans women because they are able to attain womanhood better than I ever could, even when I'm afab.

It's just that I hate my boobs. I found a cheap binder in the bra section one day and decided to just buy it. I feel cool in the binder. Whenever I'm alone I like to dress up as a man and talk to myself in a deep voice. I even gave myself a male name, Malcom, that I've been calling myself.

I don't feel extreme hatred towards being a girl, it's more that I'd just rather be a boy. Its apathy and frustration vs. happiness and euphoria. I know I could definitely continue living my life as a woman, although I know I'd have to constantly distract myself from reality to do so. Ever since I was a young child, I've seen good men as role models and wanted to be a man.

The main thing that makes me doubtful is that the dysphoria comes and goes. Sometimes I hate my boobs. Sometimes I see myself as a man. Other days I just don't care or am happy I look feminine because so many others seem to find me beautiful. I don't really think about pronouns that much because I'm just so used to being she/her. It's just way easier for me socially to remain a woman, it's very beneficial and easy for me to remain a woman my whole life and get things easier. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out whether I'm ace, “lesbian”, or bi (I can't tell whether I'm attracted to men or just want to be a man), so there's a lot of different factors going into this that I'm worried is making me only think I'm trans.

I'm struggling to figure myself out because I grew up in a very homophobic/transphobic environment. For context, 3 years ago, I was both of these things. It was only after I became friends with a bisexual and a trans woman that I realized how stupid homophobia and transphobia are. Still, I have doubts that I'm just traumatized and in a decade once I get over it I'll no longer struggle with my gender or the consequences of misogyny. I'm worried about taking all the trouble of socially transitioning only to become more comfortable with my feminine body later and regret it.

I'm jealous of trans women, I guess. They get to have the femininity I've always wanted yet I just couldn't get myself to want enough to attain.

I've never really cared about fashion or makeup, and always struggled to socialize with women. I'm possibly neurodivergent and have grown up in a toxic household so I have no idea whether my gender issues are real or if it's all just a consequence of my trauma. I'm worried that I'm letting toxic masculinity get to my head and lead me to hate being a woman because I associate it with being valued for my body. At the same time, even when I didn't know trans people existed, I prayed in anguish wishing I had been born a man so I could finally have what I wanted.

There's a lot going into this, but I need an outside perspective from someone who doesn't know me. Does this mean I could be a trans man, or am I just a deeply insecure girl who latched into the first community that helped me feel like myself?

Edit: Thank you SO much to everyone who replied! I'm realizing that my trauma has probably led me to being closeted for so long, rather than taking away from my transness. I've been excited all day seeing everyone acknowledge me as a dude and that has helped me feel a lot more confident with my manhood.