How to respond to parent who says they must protect their kid from my kid's mental health challenges.
Single mom here and I'm so confused about this I cannot even form a clear thought about it and my family is too close to it as well to speak to. I just want some feedback from other parents. I plan to speak to my daughter's therapist next week but I need a place to share this and I am open to suggestions. I in no way plan to respond to the other parents anytime soon but was curious what you would say if in the same boat. I'll call my daughter's friend "Lisa".
My daughter is 17 and has been dealing with mental health issues since the pandemic. It's a combination of depression, anxiety, and a lot of worry and compulsive thinking about things around body image that sometimes sends her into a mental tailspin. I do understand some roots of this, however, from past trauma related to losing her dad suddenly. Not the point here though.
What this looks like are occasional meltdowns of hard crying, screaming at times with anger, and saying how much she hates herself. She gets very down and sometimes locks herself in the bathroom for awhile to contain herself. It's hard to be around and hard to hear but it passes fairly quickly and she's back to herself. She has had two of these major episodes in front of Lisa, her best friend, over the past couple of years. She's known Lisa since elementary school and I've known the parents all this time as well. But my daughter has also more mildly vented her woes many times to Lisa via text and when they are together...and Lisa has been very sweet and supportive all these years. I'm assuming Lisa has vented her own woes as well but I can only assume. I mean they are teen girls. But my daughter's mental health has been complicated and she's has had big ups and downs but is getting support and mostly has good days now as she improves.
She still has bad days if she gets poor sleep or is under extra stress but she usually keeps it to herself until she's alone at home. Again, what this looks like is venting and crying about how she hates her life and herself and she has nothing to look forward to and is very hopeless. She sometimes says she just wishes she was dead but always clarifies she's not serious about that part and I know that to be true and it's just something she says now that has no meat to it. But it's not fun to hear. It's depressing to witness when she gets upset but she tends to rein it in when around her friends but it slips through sometimes. She only sees Lisa about once or twice a week but I think they text a lot.
Recently, my daughter and Lisa returned from a group sleepover and my daughter was very upset about something another girl said about her physicality, which is a sore spot for my daughter. She was tired and burned out from a long celebratory weekend and had a slobbery crying meltdown in from of her friend in the livingroom. Her friend and I listened her and it was not huge deal in the end and it blew over. Her friend apparently mentioned it to her parents later. She had mentioned before how my daughter struggled at times in front of her and they have been aware for years of this and that my daughter is on meds and sees a therapist. I don't want it to sound like a daily ordeal by any means though. It's not at all to that level now but more episodic and mostly hidden from her friends anyway if she's struggling.
Lisa is homeschooled, has very protective parents, and shares everything with them to the point that my daughter is even hesitant to share too much info now. But Lisa and my daughter are still very close, tight friends. My daughter has other friends via high school but won't let her guard down with them like she does with Lisa. They are like sisters and I have had her over for sleepovers and family trips for years so she's been like part of the family.
Here is some of the actual text:
"The recent incident at your house was a line in the sand for us. This is on top of many years of Lisa having to deal with being a part of the psychological impacts of seeing her friend struggle. My priority right now is Lisa's sense of safety and preserving her own mental health. I feel like the lines got blurred, which compromised my trust. So I don't feel comfortable with overnight visits at this time. That being said, your kid is obviously doing her best to conquer this. This is a complex issue. I know she apologized to Lisa for that hard moment recently and I appreciate that. Lisa tends to be overly sympathetic and caught in a role that I think is time to shift out of. Lisa has to learn to create her own boundaries too."
To paint a picture of her parents: They didn't send their kids to public school because they don't trust the government. They don't vaccinate. They don't allow Lisa to see certain scary movies even as an older teen because of the negative vibes and messages. She wasn't allowed to visit a haunted house last years (as a 16-year-old) because there was a legend around the house that there was a murder there 100 years ago and they didn't want her around "the negativity." So there's clearly a lot of fear happening with them so I guess I should not be shocked by this. But I have no idea how to respond.
My daughter feels saddened and awkward about this and I'm concerned this will only make her view herself in a worse light than she already does. She already thinks she's damaged somehow and this doesn't help...especially since the info I'm sharing here from the parents were also shared to my daughter, so no concern apparently with sparing her feelings and how this could impact her as a young person already struggling.
To be clear, I am in no way going to encourage any victim mentality here onto my daughter so I don't wanna sound that way at all and I think it's important to not go there. So far, I am encouraging her to remember who she is and how she's successfully dealing with a temporary setback that she WILL overcome. I am reminding her that these parents are operating from a fearful place and clearly don't understand the full picture of her issues or path she's been on to healing, which is absolutely true. But of course I'm too close to the situation to see clearly both sides so I'm curious what the community thinks of this. I understand on one level of a parent trying to protect their kid from being around hard stuff....but I guess it's the way it's being communicated and how it was via a text and not a phone call that upsets me too. After all these years and basically cutting off their friendship via a text message and she really has no idea what's been happening with my daughter except the info Lisa shares on occasion.
The mom sent me the text this morning and I thanked her for the message but told her I was not able to respond yet. Not sure if I will. I get her perspective on one level but I also feel like she's taking no accountability on her end as a parent and it's all been on me and my daughter in terms of somehow potentially messing up Lisa's mental state and well being.
And what about the notion of coming together as two moms and helping them both navigate this?! Wow what a concept, right? My amazing mom would have approached the mom of the struggling teen and offered to help and guide the two girls through it all instead of running away and avoiding. Maybe that's what I need to suggest.