Long-term monogamous couple with mismatched intimacy needs (I'm on the ace spectrum), considering RA. Red flags? Dos and don'ts?
Hi everyone,
My partner and I have been together for 13 years. We're monogamous, live together, and have two kids. We're really good friends and treat each other with a lot of respect, but there's one area where we've always been quite different: needs around closeness and sex. I identify under the asexual umbrella, my partner doesn't, and over the years that gap has become more noticeable.
We have several friends who practice relationship anarchy in all kinds of ways, and watching them has made me curious whether this approach could work for us. We're not looking to blow up our relationship. If anything, the opposite: we'd want to stay close, keep living together, and even if we ever separated romantically, we'd both want to stay in each other's lives as best friends and co-parents.
I'd love to hear from people who've been in similar situations. Has anyone transitioned from long-term monogamy to RA, especially with kids and a shared household, and how did it go? And has anyone dealt with a similar mismatch in sexual or physical needs, whether ace/non-ace or otherwise? I'm curious whether RA helped and what it looked like in practice. I also wonder whether we're a red flag for this kind of relationship structure. I want to make sure we're doing this for the right reasons and not just using it as a band-aid. Finally, what are your dos and don'ts for people new to RA, particularly when it's an existing relationship being renegotiated rather than something starting from scratch?
Thanks for reading, and I appreciate any honest perspectives, including critical ones.