r/relationshipanarchy

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This might sound weirdly specific, but I've been thinking about this a lot.

I sometimes get strangely bothered when two people are clearly doing almost everything you'd associate with a romantic relationship—constant emotional intimacy, prioritizing each other, going on dates, jealousy, romantic tension, etc.—but then describe themselves as “just friends” because they don't want a label.

And I want to clarify: I'm not judging people who prefer casual or undefined relationships. If that works for them, that's completely fine.

What bothers me is specifically the use of the word “friendship.”

I feel like friendship is something beautiful and meaningful on its own. A friend isn't someone you're “almost dating” or someone who becomes a romantic partner if the circumstances change. Friendship has its own kind of intimacy, loyalty, affection and connection that isn't necessarily romantic.

So when people describe what is essentially a romantic/ambiguous relationship as “just friendship,” it almost feels like they're reducing friendship to “a relationship without the romantic label.”

Maybe I'm overthinking the meaning of the word, but for me, friendship isn't a consolation prize for not being in a relationship. It's its own kind of relationship, and honestly, one of the purest ones.

I'm curious what other people think.

Does anyone else feel this way, or do you think “friends” can reasonably describe a relationship like this?

I am having an argument with a few people I know on what should be acceptable or not and I would like to know other people's opinion on the subject. If your partner/ S.O. is drunk or drinking to get drunk to the point where they arent thinking straight and slurping there words and uncappable of controlling themselves would you sleep/ be se*ual with them if they pushed for you to be?

What's the purpose of being in a relationship?

Hi RA folks! I have just discovered this subreddit and wanted to share how I view relationships.

I've been going through some heartbreak lately that got me reflecting about myself a lot. We didn't even date. We've been friends, but I developed feelings for him, and he's actually been sort of ghosting me lately. Anyway, these words don't really paint a full picture of our relationship and could make it sound different from what it actually is, but that's not really the point of this post.

I have always said that I am not really looking for a romantic relationship, and while this is true, I never really knew how it all worked for me until recently.

What I have discovered is that, for me, there are no labels. There is no vacancy for a "partner" position in my life, or a position for a best friend, or even a position for an extraterrestrial being with two noses. What I am looking for is meaningful connections: people who add something to my life, challenge me or my ways of thinking, and people I genuinely enjoy sharing random things with.

However, these people can later become a conventional romantic partner, a best friend, or even an extraterrestrial being with two noses (if they are one, of course).

When someone becomes important to me, they create their own category of relationship. They are like a special light bulb. Let me explain.

Let's call someone Bob. When Bob becomes dear to me, he gets some space in my heart and adds his own uniquely shaped light bulb socket there, where only he can fit, and lights the place up simply by existing.

And if he leaves, that place in my heart stays dark, because there is nothing and no one else who can replace him. This is why I find losing people particularly difficult. No one will ever take the same place as that person.

Is there anyone else who can relate?

Hello fellow RA folks! I realize that I have a belief that platonic relationships are safer in terms of stability and longevity. But I’m also realizing that I might be sort of jaded. As I am slowly transitioning from intentionally not dating for a few years to open myself up dating, I realize I keep coming back to this romanticization of a queer platonic partner. And I realized that I’m carrying a belief that that’s more stable than more traditional dating relationship. Does anyone have an opinion about this to share?

TW self harm, flashbacks of assault

My partner and I have been together a few years, have both had other long term relationships, have occasionally kissed others while in the club together.

For context I've also been sexually assaulted when I was young and I have a really hard time with casual sex or in general feeling numb and dissociated during sex which means sometimes I go through really long periods where I am just terrified of other people touching me. With queer/poly culture being so sex positive, I really struggle with feeling that because I am not always (immediately) sexually available, on a night out everyone's looking after scratching their itch and I can't engage in queer culture the way that everyone else can.

Earlier this year we all happened to be at the same event and everyone disappeared to go to the darkroom. No one gave me a heads-up, I just slowly realized I was alone on the dancefloor for one hour, went home alone ugly crying and sobbing.

I told my partner the next day and she was really supportive and apologized loads, in fairness to her.

Fast forwards to Valentine's day...

My partner's friend and her extended polycule decided to invite us to a Valentine Day's event out of town. Her partner, their shared partners, and their other partners, traveled from different towns to be there (I didn't know this before going cus not my circus, not my monkeys, but some of these metamours had NOT been introduce prior to this - I had assumed everyone knew each other and had shared a space in a less high-stakes situation).

We went to the club and started drinking. I am not a huge drinker but everyone else got quite messy. At one point I had to leave the dancefloor and sit down. This person who I hadn't met before, who we'll call E., started making the rounds of our friend group just kissing everyone, which is fine, and then when they got to my partner they started making out. This went on for 30 minutes. I could see them heavily grinding onto each other from across the dancefloor. At this point it was about time to get a cab to the hotel, but we literally had to wait for them to finish. I went out to the front of the club and our entire friend group was being, wink wink nudge nudge sounds like we're going to be here a while. Then because everyone was coupled up people just started kissing and cuddling to pass the time and I was just.... there..... waiting for everyone to get ready....

When my partner came out with E., E. walked up to their partner (again someone who I had never met) who started showing off to everyone the HUGE hickey E had on their neck, cooing and oohing and aaahing and calling them mischievous. I was feeling really hurt and left out, but bear in mind these were people I had never met before and I was not about to let them see me cry over this and paint me as the jealous gf who's bad at poly and made a scene outside of the club.

I tried to get away and call a taxi. E., who was really drunk, came up to me and extended their hand and said "my hand's sticky." I was horrified and unable to communicate to my partner, who in fairness, was very drunk and completely unaware I was having a terrible time. The only thing I could tell her in front of everyone else was that I felt really sick so (trying to be supportive) she made sure I got on the first taxi and she got on the 2nd one who was right behind us.

When we all got to the hotel the vibe was so weird. People were so drunk. I went out to the fire escape to try and make some conversation but people were coupled up and playing with each other's hair and whatnot. Again, none of my friends made an effort to converse with me since they were all focused on who they wanted to f*ck.

I went into our bedroom (the most bare, uncomfortable, shitty bedroom since this was a budget option) and tried to get to sleep. I could hear my girlfriend and E. whisper and kiss on the fire escape even with the door and window closed. That is where I absolutely lost it. I was alone in a different city with nowhere to go feeling like a trapped animal while not being able to get away from the sound of other people sloppy squelchy make out noises. This must have shortcircuited some trauma memory and I had a really severe self-harm episode.

My gf came into the bedroom to find me in tears. She was very sweet and supportive and said that I should've texted her to come back into the room. She hugged me and I fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up as she left the room to go get ready to check out. I immediately realized I would have to face everyone being coy and flirty for the entire bus ride back home and I started sobbing again. When my gf came back into the room, to my surprise, she was really short and mean with me which I was not expecting.

I was feeling extremely fragile and we were under time pressure to leave. I couldn't deal with that so I invented a family emergency with the rest of the group and practically FLEW out of the hotel in tears. I ended up spending the day after Valentine's in a strange city sobbing in the park. I ended up having to get a bus five hours later because I'd missed mine.

It's been months. My gf has apologized profusely, but I haven't been to a club since. I have missed our friend's bday because I just couldn't bear to hang with her polycule (who also predictably incurred a break up after that weekend).

I have started doing EMDR because I have extreme mood swings related to this incident. I have been working really hard on my cPTSD and assault stuff but at this point, after this much time, maybe this is just something I will not get over. My gf says this is something that will never happen again, and while I do believe her I think the instance of what has already happened might be enough to end a whole 2.5y relationship since I literally have flashbacks about it on most days.

TL;DR am I overreacting?

Hey everyone!

It's F19

I recently got a boyfriend, and I really want to be a good girlfriend while also making sure we have a healthy relationship. 😌

I’m curious what do you think a healthy relationship should look and feel like?

What are some good habits, boundaries, or things you wish you had learned about relationships earlier?

I’d love to hear your advice! 💗

What does the word "Partner" means to you and at what point you identify as a partner to someone

I'm curious what's everyone defenation for the word "partner" and how do they use it in forming the various relationship they are building.

What does it mean to you. How do you show up in relationship that are described as partnerships. At what point does a relationship you are building shifts to a partnerships.

I'm also curious if sexual/romantic/platonic also carries weight in your definition of the word.

Hi all <3

I'm in a situation where I've been pursuing someone I'm interested in, who has very limited capacity. Trying to sort out if there's some type of comfortable compromise (given that we're both RA) or if it should be a cut-your-losses, see-ya-when-I-see-ya scenario. Main questions are at the bottom, just context first:

We've been out a few times, first couple I asked them out (after being the one to get their number), third was a last minute "you going to this event?" from them. I went, had a blast, shared a kiss at the end of the night.

I've made my interest pretty clear in actively trying to make plans. When I asked what kind of cadence might feel comfortable ('like, a month? less/more?' the first two dates were a month apart, third time only a week later), they said something vague like "it really depends!" which.. doesn't give me much to go off of in terms of how often I might want to reach out. I would be happy with infrequent dates & I prefer low communication in between, but hate guessing at if my asking for someone's time is bothersome to them. I've previously been a very avoidant attacher or the pursued, so honestly the fact that I am "pursuing somebody" (and somebody sending such mixed signals at that 🙄🤦), I dub a huge realm of personal growth for me, moving beyond that fear of "putting myself out there." So if nothing else I'm proud of myself for that. :') Being autistic and constantly second-guessing my read of things makes it a bit more difficult too, especially before I've spent enough time someone to learn them and feel comfortable.

I guess I'm curious about the stance of people in this sub on "intentional dating." Making plans in efforts to get to know somebody new, to explore a connection you feel you have with somebody, see what it could be. This person has mentioned a fear of expectations, and I think may be assuming I have more than I do. I feel like I'm only expecting honesty and clear communication (including being told they're not interested if they're not). Though I suppose I can just make that assumption if I've gone far enough to make this post here. BUT, I'm still interested in thoughts others might have on the topic.

Do you "date"? What does that look like for you?

How do you manage interest in low-capacity connections when you are someone who is slow to open up?

When do you create spaciousness vs. safely assuming simple lack of interest?

Do you consider yourselves each other’s best friends or not? If yes or no, why?

Why do you call your partners boyfriends and girlfriends. You are clearly not friends. Just call them partners or counterparts.

I work as an RTL engineer (22M) at a semiconductor company, which basically means a decent chunk of my life is spent arguing with waveforms and wondering why something that should work absolutely refuses to. 😂

But there's something I've been thinking about lately.

I think the part of relationships that fascinates me the most isn't actually the stereotypical romantic stuff.

It's the completely ordinary things.

Coming home after work and telling someone about the stupid thing that happened that day.

Going out for chai at 11 PM because neither of you is particularly interested in sleeping.

Cooking something questionable together.

Sitting next to each other while doing completely different things.

Random conversations that start with “what should we eat?” and somehow end up at 3 AM discussing life, childhood, aliens or whether we're living in a simulation.

Being comfortable enough with someone that silence doesn't feel awkward anymore.

I sometimes think that's a much bigger form of intimacy than all the grand romantic gestures.

There's also something strangely appealing about the idea of two people gradually becoming part of each other's everyday lives — not because everything has to be serious immediately, but because they genuinely enjoy each other's presence.

Maybe that's why I've always found the idea of sharing a home with someone you're completely comfortable around so interesting.

Not the Pinterest version of it.

The real version:🙂‍↕️🌻

Messy kitchens. Random grocery runs. Different schedules. Bad moods. Inside jokes. “Did you eat?” texts. And occasionally looking at each other and thinking how did this person become such a huge part of my routine?

Anyway, I'm curious whether I'm alone in finding this kind of ordinary intimacy ridiculously appealing.

What's one completely mundane thing that you'd actually consider romantic when you're with the right person?

I'm currently 6 months into moving from romantic to friendship with an ex partner. We were together for 1 year, with lots of fluidity around parameters. We were platonic friends for a year prior. We both valued our independence and maitaining relationships in our lives. He identifies as RA & solo poly. I'm somewhere on that spectrum with a goal of having 2 lifelong partners - with negotiations.

It ended due to me moving away,and him not having capacity for an ongoing long distance romantic partnership. I quickly realised i was willing to invest more time and resources than he.

So, I'm still moving through resentment and sadness. Overall, I've realised what I've needed to work on, ongoing work in being a better communicator and honoring gut feelings. Truthfully, I knew 6 months in that we weren't compatible long term as I was more clear cut and certain about my goals, and he was more into variety and the freedom to contain his relationships in the areas they existed. Rarely merging.

Anyone been through similar? Open to thoughts etc etc

been seeing someone for a while. we don't do labels or traditional relationship stuff. just two people who enjoy each other.

their birthday's coming up and i want to get them something. not a couple gift. not something that implies commitment. just something that says i pay attention.

was thinking about a simple engraved bracelet. maybe a date or an inside joke.

is jewelry too loaded in a non-traditional dynamic? or can it just be a gift?

i do not want to relate to others in such a way, my time and energy are not for sale, but it really makes living difficult in this society where a large number of people, probably a majority - are doing it.

One thing I keep thinking about with relationships in general is how much freedom there is in questioning the usual hierarchy, but how hard it still is to actually live that freedom in the world we have.

I’ll be totally upfront. I’ve swung with partners before and loved it. There is something beautiful about loving someone deeply and still being able to stay curious about other people, without automatically treating that curiosity like a threat.

I also come at this from an existing spiritual practice, so ideas around desire, connection, and becoming more fully ourselves aren’t just theoretical to me.

What feels strange is that if you want to explore outside the normal script, the options are often still pretty shallow.

Apps. Anonymous encounters. Spaces where people can start feeling more like options than actual relationships.

I keep imagining something more human.

You get to know people over time. Friendships develop. Attraction sneaks up on you. Maybe you flirt for weeks before anything happens. Maybe nothing happens. Maybe four people end up drinking wine together until 2am and suddenly the energy in the room is very different 👀

That feels way more interesting to me than trying to decide in advance whether someone is a friend, lover, partner, hookup, or whatever other box we have available lol.

Maybe part of relationship anarchy is not just having the freedom to define individual relationships differently.

Maybe it is creating social environments where those relationships have enough room to become whatever they naturally become.

And yeah, I know when you start talking about intentional community, sexuality, and spirituality in the same sentence it starts sounding suspiciously like the beginning of a cult 😂

But seriously, why does it have to go there?

Is it possible to create a real community around autonomy, intimacy, and exploration without creating another hierarchy or someone deciding what relationships are supposed to look like?

I have some ideas about what that could look like, but I’m really curious whether anyone here has seen something like this work.

I (24f) have recently heard about relationship anarchy, and I'm definitely still learning what it is but I identify with ideas certainly about valuing platonic connection as much as romantic connection and breaking down these walls of hierarchy. I've been very comfortable being single in my adult years and I deeply deeply love the friendship connections I've made.

That being said, I've never been in a long-term "serious" romantic relationship and I'm currently exploring a new connection. It's been confusing dealing with feelings of liking someone in a romantic way but also not experiencing those typical early on love hormone feelings of wanting to be with said person all the time. It's early - it's only been a little over a month - and I know he (25m) seems to be interested in a committed relationship with me, but I feel nervous about labels and I'm in no rush to define what we have going on because it is still early for me. I know that others might feel comfortable defining a relationship after a month but that is definitely not the case for myself. I know that I can keep exploring this connection - he is awfully sweet and it feels safe to do so - but I can't help and have all of these confused thoughts about what I'm feeling.

The thing about labels is that they make me feel icky. I've never felt comfortable defining my sexuality, and the thought of being identified as a man's "girlfriend" feels soooo out of whack with who I am lol. Like I am just me, I don't want to classified by one part of my life. It's not that I don't feel comfortable with commitment or that I can't deeply care for another in that way. I think it also has to do with the fact that I was only attracted to women for a while and now this feels so new for me. Which navigating sexuality is a whole other ballpark.

I guess I'm trying to figure out how other people who have had similar feelings have traversed dating in a romance-centered world? I know I enjoy spending time with this person and I don't want to break things off but I also know that a relationship in the typical sense does not fit in with who I am. I also don't feel like I want to spend a ton of time with him and I don't want him to be my "boyfriend" so it makes me think that maybe what I'm feeling is "wrong" and like I should end things, just because the world has taught me that I should feel obsessed with my romantic partner and "when you know you know" and all of that. And despite the fact that I am very comfortable being alone, and I love my solitude, romance is something that I know could be a satisfactory part of my life.

Sorry that this is a longer post, just wondering if anyone can relate or has any personal insight into these thoughts and feelings.