r/relationshipanarchy

I'm a nonbinary woman in my late 20s living alone and estranged from my insanely problematic family. Currently I'm in a queer platonic relationship with my NB best friend, late 30s. During the course of our three year relationship they have discovered they are aroace and have really been growing their sense of self.

I know this sounds cliche but it feels my whole life the messaging was - step 1: fall in love and then step 2: live together happily ever after. Once I have removed the pressure of family wanting me to have a heteronormative relationship/marriage and children (only children I want are fluffy ones) I feel very off kilter in my current relationship. I love my partner and because of my romantic feelings/socialization, I do very much idealize the concept of living together and having cuddly moments on the sofa together etc. As they have had more realizations about themself, they have had more ability to express that living together doesn't have the same appeal due to needing a quiet place to retreat to and not having pressure of joint chores etc.

I do understand that you don't have to live together if you love someone but I guess I don't have any examples of this which feels a bit distressing. Does anyone have any examples or advice of living apart but still being "together'"?

Just to clarify, yes I am in therapy etc. Just looking for ways to self-reflect outside of it

tl;dr: Grew up without parents and was raised by different generation of relatives. Don't know what healthy relationships are supposed to be due to lots of divorce and bigotry in family

I often see people post in this sub about how to deescalate a relationship from romantic to platonic. That feels like it's against what relationship anarchy is all about. There is no hierarchy.

When the nature of a relationship that I have needs to change, myself and my partner pull out the relationship anarchy smorgasbord and change the nature of our relationship to fit what we both want.

Assuming this is deescalating is so mononormative, that it absolutely drives me crazy.

There is no hierarchy in any of my relationships, regardless of their nature.

Hi lovely RAs! I am new to RA in the sense that I have been more comfortable calling myself that the last 6 months or so, before that I labeled myself polyamorous.

I have a partner, we've been together for a little over 12 months. I think he's demi/aromantic and we've been struggling on and off with romantic expectations. I have done a lot of work on myself, reflecting upon my own expectations regarding romance, being more clear with assumptions, with what I need and want and digging deep into what that really is and not something I've picked up along the way (it's also valid to want that). But we end up at the same spot lace every time: he wants space, I want closeness. He wants autonomy, I want plans. Etc etc etc. Typical chaser / pursuer dynamic. I also would say I have some insecure attachment wounds and have been actively working on creating more security in myself and my own life. Anyway, yesterday we had another talk that escalated because of PMS and work stress, but I arrived at a place where I don't know if us as a romantic couple makes sense anymore.

So my question is: how does one de-escalate from romantic partners to platonic partners? I still want to be partners, I still want to cuddle, sleep together (non-sexually) and have a close and intimate relationship but without the romantic expectations. Does anyone have any advice, any sunshine stories etc? Or any structure of de-escalation that has worked?

Very thankful for your replies!

As I read more RA literature and engage with both the ideas, and the community, it seems that many of the resources talk about rejecting Monogamy (the societal structure, not just the relationship format), and labels, and a lot of other things. This makes sense; we live in constant contact with these things, and they are pervasive in all of our histories and indoctrination.

But, it is never easy to just stop doing something. It's much easier to start doing something else. I have yet to find any good resources that describe in positive, concrete terms things we should be doing, or should try to do, to supplant these things.

A few examples:

• Don't label things, as much as possible*
• Don't describe connections as "partners" because it has connotations of control
• Avoid dyadic relationship interactions, and work towards community support and interactions instead

* Juan-Carlos Pérez-Cortés gives a few examples of how he handles this in Relationship Anarchy: Occupy Intimacy! Those work great for parties or extended conversations, but are harder in less involved social situations.

Lots of the things I have personally chosen to embrace in my practice are mental and emotional, but have very little outward-facing / visible footprint. It is basically impossible to tell, from the outside, whether I practice polyamory or relationship anarchy - and indeed, for many people, the two seem to be synonymous. But they really are not - polyamory is so often control or rule-based, basically taking the oxymoronic form of multiple monogamy. Relationship anarchy rejects those rules and the structure they are based in.

Given that we live in a world with an overwhelmingly dominant Monogamous social structure, how do you personally push back against the perception of belonging to that world, when you do? What parts of your personal practice might others be able to adopt? And when do you avoid pushing back, either because it's simpler, or because pushing back can be dangerous in various ways?

I (28F) and my boyfriend (30M) have been together for almost four years. At first, he really didn’t open up at all about a lot of his views and opinions, because within the first two times we had met, I suppose where I stand on certain topics was pretty obvious (I got into a debate with a man in the bar about why women need financial agency and freedom - so if a woman is a stay at home mum, her partner should be prepared to pay her superannuation).

The longer we have been together, the more our differences have stood out to me. When topics like immigration come up, he is against it - putting a lot of immigrants from \*specific\* countries into boxes saying our tax payer money goes towards housing them while they commit crimes etc. I tried calmly explaining our immigration laws (in Australia) around skilled immigrants, family visas etc. and why people have the right to seek asylum. He didn’t listen to a word I said and referred to news he had seen about some horrific crimes that happened to have been committed by people with certain backgrounds. This lead me to conclude that his algorithm must be serving him a lot of the fear mongering articles that I do see being peddled by right wing news outlets. I explained the nuances to him and why we can’t put cases like these in one box - sure, some of the people committing these crimes do have a totally different upbringing and a lot of that isn’t their fault but a bigger systemic problem - just like kids who grow up to commit crimes who had problematic childhoods around violence and addiction.

All of this to say, he is technically an immigrant, from the UK (now a citizen).

When I try to explain the issues women face and the patriarchal and systemic issues there which have impacted me in many ways in my life, he immediately goes to “oh yeah, all men are assholes”. Not at all what I’m saying, the patriarchy and many men’s issues such as mental health are inextricably linked.

He seems to get peddled propaganda about women falsely accusing men of assault for money too - when the Sydney swans AFL team incident happened recently, he suggested the S worker who made the claims may have done so for money - when I explained that she has more to lose than she really has to gain by reporting this and taking it to court he didn’t seem to understand “she has cash to gain” - it’s not that simple, most SA’s go unreported, because there is so much to lose and many cases never actually see a conviction. I reminded him I have been a victim and never reported it because I knew the burden of proof was on me and I was terrified of public scrutiny, not being believed or the whole process re-traumatising me just for nothing to come from it. He got angry at me for mentioning that and then went to “oh yep, I’m the bad guy! Sorry you got *r worded* ” … which felt insane??? I asked why he reacted this way and he said it felt like I brought it up just to make him feel bad because he can’t go back in time to when he knew me and do anything about it so why would I bring it up? Like okay? It also makes ME feel pretty crappy too? It doesn’t change that it happened and I am a good example of why women don’t always take things to authorities.

The Lindsay Clancy case was other topic of conversation, he said that he didn’t understand the support for her and that if someone commits that crime they deserve the de\*th penalty. I reminded him that postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis are very real and extremely complicated and in this particular case, before it got to where it did the system failed her and those children again and again, which is why there is such a public statement being made. He didn’t seem to want a bar of what I was trying to explain to him.

Essentially, no matter which way you throw it, we are on different sides of the coin. I don’t even think we’re on the same coin to be honest with you.

There’s so many more examples I could include but the above are the most recent. Politically, he is right and I am left. He has little acceptance for trans people which makes my blood boil (I literally have a trans friend). We are just chalk and cheese when it comes to these things.

At first, I really thought (and do still think) that a lot of this comes down to a lack of education and fucked up algorithm - sometimes he will tell me something that is actually straight up factually incorrect so I pull the statistics, government policies or whatever is relevant to explain why he had the wrong information, but my patience is wearing thin because when I try to educate him he shuts it down. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink as they say.

I feel like he can’t handle criticism, so when something he has thought to be fact is challenged or proven wrong, he really just can’t accept it. Which is hard for me because I don’t want to sound like a complete know-it-all but I have a political science degree, so when we discuss politics specifically, it’s literally the thing I am thee most educated on, so sometimes I wish he would trust me when I bring him information from credible sources.

all of this to say, if we aren’t talking about these things, we’re actually extremely similar in so many other ways which is why I am always baffled when we cross into this territory.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? What the hell did you do???

TL;DR

BF seems to have some fear-mongering right wing news sources & algorithms and some political and ethical views that I disagree with vehemently.

Hey,

Lately, I’ve been craving a really deep emotional connection with someone. I want someone I can talk to for hours about absolutely everything, make stupid jokes with, and challenge each other intellectually. At the same time, I want to feel safe with that person, knowing that I’m liked and loved for who I am. I want to be able to completely be myself without constantly overthinking how I’m coming across.

I also really miss having someone to share hobbies and experiences with. Going on little adventures together, working out, checking out an exhibition, discovering a new café or going to the cinema just because we feel like it. I want someone who feels like a partner in crime in everyday life.

And yes, I also want sex. I want to explore my sexuality with someone who understands it and doesn’t judge me for it. Someone I feel safe enough with to experiment, play, communicate what I like, and genuinely enjoy that part of our connection together.

The frustrating part is that I’ve met quite a few women through hobbies recently. They were all really nice, but I never really felt that click. Most of the conversations stayed fairly superficial, and I never felt safe or comfortable enough to really open up and show more of myself. I still meet some of them occasionally, but it doesn’t really fulfill that need for deeper connection.

I’ve also talked to a few men at sex-p

Low-key I think love itself is a notion that transcends any boundaries. I think the term "Platonic Love" is problematic in itself. Because Love was always as such.

Segregate the concepts of Lust, pleasure and desire, you'll find love to have been Platonic.

(p.s When I am practicing, I do not have any romantic relationship with my friends or bandmates. But I don't know why he think being friends with a guy or a men is cheating??, please help me)

You know, every guy has that one crucial moment when he has to rely on his cold, rational mind despite the danger of the situation. At that moment, you have to act confidently, wisely, and, most importantly, quickly, because there isn’t much time to make the right decision.

I’m talking, of course, about those two or three seconds before orgasm, when you’re holding your dick in one hand, your phone in the other, and there’s only a limited selection of objects nearby that aren’t necessarily suitable for the task at hand.
You have to gather all your strength without crushing your own equipment and make a decision quickly. Sometimes there’s a tissue, a piece of paper, a sock… But sometimes there’s absolutely nothing.
And yes, there I was, in exactly that situation.
I can already anticipate your questions. Why not just keep some tissues nearby?
Let me explain. Masturbation is a state of mind. It comes unexpectedly and often ends just as spontaneously. It’s all about improvisation.
Anyway, back to me lying in my bed. I put my phone down on the bed, screen facing up, obviously, so I could watch the porn in my peripheral vision, and started searching around with my horny little hand for anything I could finish into.
But there was a problem… There was nothing. And at this point we weren’t talking seconds anymore, but fractions of a second.
So, I came into my own palm.
Well, I had collected the semen, but now I had to figure out what to do with it. Walking all the way across the apartment to the bathroom while dripping semen in front of my parents wasn’t particularly appealing.
Sure, I could’ve just poured it out of my palm into the trash and wiped my hand on the blanket, a sock, or something.
But listen, put yourself in my shoes. You’re tired, lying on your nice soft bed, you’ve just come all over your hand, you feel good… Let’s be honest, you don’t really want to get up, do you?
Exactly.
So my youthful brain came up with a brilliant idea.
I simply wiped my hand on the wall.
There was a transparent, slippery streak left on the wall, about 80 centimeters long, kind of curved.
And then I went to sleep.
The next morning I woke up and you could barely see anything. The color hadn’t changed, the wall had just become… how do I put it… glossier, almost as if it had been varnished.
And that’s when I realized I’d discovered an absolutely amazing life hack. I could masturbate, come into my hand, and simply smear it all over the wall right there.
The problem was that I kept doing this for an entire year.
Over that time, a fairly sizable grayish stain appeared on the wall.
I’m honestly surprised my parents never asked me about it… Although maybe they just didn’t want to embarrass me by bringing it up.
About a year later, my room was renovated. We repainted the walls, and I decided to stop smearing my semen on them.
However, I started sinning in other ways…
When nobody was home, I’d let myself masturbate during the day, sometimes at my computer, sometimes just standing in the middle of the room. And I didn’t always make it to the trash can in time, so I’d just come on the floor.
Then I started masturbating during the day even when relatives were home. I’d stand in the corner by the entrance to my room so that, if necessary, I could block the door with my body, and I’d masturbate there.
By that point, I wasn’t even embarrassed anymore. I’d just come on the floor and the wall in that corner.
As it turned out, semen doesn’t wash off laminate flooring particularly well, so I ended up with two large collections of little “droplets”: one in that corner by the door, and another near the trash can, which I didn’t always manage to reach in time.
Sometimes I was too lazy to put a new bag in the trash can, so I’d just come directly into the bin.
So that got covered in “droplets” too.
Basically, yeah, I’ve completely lost track of what I haven’t ejaculated on in my room.
I’ve come on myself, in my blanket, on socks, on the walls, on the floor, in the trash can, on the piano, accidentally hit my computer mouse once, and came on T-shirts all the time…
One thing I definitely **do not recommend** is coming in your underwear.
I’d come on my stomach and then wipe everything off with the same pair of underwear, which I’d subsequently sleep in. I don’t recommend it because the next morning they stick to the hair around your crotch, after a few days of frequent ejaculations they start to smell absolutely awful if you don’t change them, and then you have to hand-wash them in the sink.
I let myself get away with a lot, obviously, but handing my beloved mother a pair of absolutely cum-soaked underwear to wash was probably taking things a little too far.
When I hand over a duvet cover that’s been covered in semen from top to bottom and along every possible axis, I can at least hope that its size makes it somewhat inconspicuous. But huge, white, stinking stains on underwear? That’s where I draw the line.

So, guys, how do you deal with those crucial moments?

Hi everyone,

My partner and I have been together for 13 years. We're monogamous, live together, and have two kids. We're really good friends and treat each other with a lot of respect, but there's one area where we've always been quite different: needs around closeness and sex. I identify under the asexual umbrella, my partner doesn't, and over the years that gap has become more noticeable.

We have several friends who practice relationship anarchy in all kinds of ways, and watching them has made me curious whether this approach could work for us. We're not looking to blow up our relationship. If anything, the opposite: we'd want to stay close, keep living together, and even if we ever separated romantically, we'd both want to stay in each other's lives as best friends and co-parents.

I'd love to hear from people who've been in similar situations. Has anyone transitioned from long-term monogamy to RA, especially with kids and a shared household, and how did it go? And has anyone dealt with a similar mismatch in sexual or physical needs, whether ace/non-ace or otherwise? I'm curious whether RA helped and what it looked like in practice. I also wonder whether we're a red flag for this kind of relationship structure. I want to make sure we're doing this for the right reasons and not just using it as a band-aid. Finally, what are your dos and don'ts for people new to RA, particularly when it's an existing relationship being renegotiated rather than something starting from scratch?

Thanks for reading, and I appreciate any honest perspectives, including critical ones.

Hi everyone!

So, for context- I still live with my ex (dated for four years; can’t afford to move out etc etc). We both would use “polyamorous” to describe our relationship styles, but its becoming increasingly obv that we have very different ideas about what you can realistically expect from a romantic partner when you’re in a polyam relationship. We were discussing specifically the concept of “fairness” in relationships, and the end conclusion was basically that he aligns more with relationship anarchy as a model and I am “monogamous with extra steps”. Which you know, not the biggest fan of that wording.

We have a polyam friend whose long term partner has another partner. They both describe themselves as non hierarchical and view equality as an important aspect of their relationships. Our friend has recently felt hurt because (due to some scheduling differences) her partner is spending about twice as much time with their other partner. To me, it makes perfect sense to feel hurt by this and view it as a problem that should be addressed. My ex is of the opinion that it’s unhealthy to put any sort of restrictions on how a significant other spends their time.

I might have a poor understanding of RA as a concept, but I think that it’s based around like. De-centering monogamous romantic relationships as the end all be all relationship form, and accepting that love and connection can come in a variety of different shapes and none of those are more valid or more important than the others. Which is super cool! I don’t really think that ”you should do whatever you want and if your partner gets upset then that’s them having monogamous baggage” is really a great representation of it. But I also don’t personally use the term to describe myself so I was curious about what the community thought.

I met this guy a month or so ago and we've been having a really fun time. When things became sexual I started asking compatibility questions and mentioned the other relationships I was in. I thought I had my bases covered. My best friend was hanging out with us and asked if he had kids and it turns out he has 6, 10 years - 3 months old. I assumed when I asked if he wanted kids that would have been a perfect opening to divulge that information and was pretty surprised to find this out. He claims he's just a private person but will honestly answer any questions I have. This is a lie by omission in my book and a big red flag. I decided that because he did inform his other partner about me that I would be okay continuing to see him. I've taken a bit of a step back though and now limit our hangouts to 2-3 times a week. Our chemistry is incredible and he brings so much joy and value to my life but I can't help feeling guilty about him choosing to spend time with me when his baby mom is home taking care of 6 kids alone. When I've brought this up he gets a little defensive and seems perfectly comfortable with the arrangement he has with her. One time I gave him a ride home and met all the kids and his other partner. The kids seem happy, well adjusted and absolutely love him. Everything seems to be above board but I keep having these pangs of guilt when he decides to spend the night with me instead of going home to his growing family. I know it's within my power to set a boundary about overnights and that is something I'm considering. Am I overthinking this because of the omission? It's obviously inappropriate for me to reach out to her to make sure all her needs are being met. It feels selfish to not acknowledge it. I feel really stuck because I probably wouldn't have started dating him if I knew but it's been an incredible month getting to know him and I don't want it to stop. Im not sure if my feelings are coming from a wounded place (absent dad) or if it's any of my business at all. Any thoughts or advice would be welcome.

Hi everyone, so I'm in need of some inspiration when it comes to relationship anarchy. There are so many possibilities and yet at times it can be deflating. Feel free to share below either your own fulfilling experiences with people in your life or your wildest dreams :)