u/weatherbitten83

Hi all <3

I'm in a situation where I've been pursuing someone I'm interested in, who has very limited capacity. Trying to sort out if there's some type of comfortable compromise (given that we're both RA) or if it should be a cut-your-losses, see-ya-when-I-see-ya scenario. Main questions are at the bottom, just context first:

We've been out a few times, first couple I asked them out (after being the one to get their number), third was a last minute "you going to this event?" from them. I went, had a blast, shared a kiss at the end of the night.

I've made my interest pretty clear in actively trying to make plans. When I asked what kind of cadence might feel comfortable ('like, a month? less/more?' the first two dates were a month apart, third time only a week later), they said something vague like "it really depends!" which.. doesn't give me much to go off of in terms of how often I might want to reach out. I would be happy with infrequent dates & I prefer low communication in between, but hate guessing at if my asking for someone's time is bothersome to them. I've previously been a very avoidant attacher or the pursued, so honestly the fact that I am "pursuing somebody" (and somebody sending such mixed signals at that 🙄🤦), I dub a huge realm of personal growth for me, moving beyond that fear of "putting myself out there." So if nothing else I'm proud of myself for that. :') Being autistic and constantly second-guessing my read of things makes it a bit more difficult too, especially before I've spent enough time someone to learn them and feel comfortable.

I guess I'm curious about the stance of people in this sub on "intentional dating." Making plans in efforts to get to know somebody new, to explore a connection you feel you have with somebody, see what it could be. This person has mentioned a fear of expectations, and I think may be assuming I have more than I do. I feel like I'm only expecting honesty and clear communication (including being told they're not interested if they're not). Though I suppose I can just make that assumption if I've gone far enough to make this post here. BUT, I'm still interested in thoughts others might have on the topic.

Do you "date"? What does that look like for you?

How do you manage interest in low-capacity connections when you are someone who is slow to open up?

When do you create spaciousness vs. safely assuming simple lack of interest?

I'm someone that doesn't crush on people too often, but when I do I feel pretty intensely.

I've been limerance-addicted in the past but have done loooots of learning and reflecting and changing of habits so I refuse to feed it like I used to. But I am a deeply emotional person, and when someone catches my interest I get so curious and laser-focused.

The catch is that often the people that catch my eye lean on the avoidant side. 🙄 I used to be very avoidant as well but have grown SO much, much to the help of my extremely nourishing relationship with a partner of 1.5 years. She was all about me right away, very direct, and while it took me a minute to get used to that, I feel more secure than I ever have. Neither of us have dated much since getting together, or have had other relationships since her marriage ended last year. I am feeling increasing interest in "getting out there" and exploring other connections.

The thing is that I'm not sure I have capacity for more than one other relationship, realistically. I invest a lot in my friendship and don't plan to change that.

But I do feel a bit stuck-- I carry candles for the crushes I've developed while out and about my city (and I know the person I'm currently the most interested in is poly). I recently attempted to connect with them after an event, and while I did receive a response my second message seems to have fallen flat. I know I should assume that just means they're not interested. I just have so much experience as an avoidant person and an intimate understanding of that experience, so it gets hard to drop the thought of "maybe it's just not the right time, maybe we'll connect in-person some day in the future."

But I'm practicing taking people at face value. I've been hurt by artsy vague-posting by an intense mutual crush in the past, that never went anywhere, so I refuse to participate in that indirect kind of communication anymore. But I get that complete directness (at least before getting to know each other) probably scares some people off. I should stand firm in that meaning that someone's not right for me ! It's just very difficult as like I said I don't feel romantically interested in most people most of the time, and my local poly, queer dating pool is of course even smaller.

So. I want to date others, explore different connections and versions of myself. But I'm not sure I should, when I'm still really hoping there could be a possibility with a crush I'd really like to pursue. I don't want to use other people as a distraction. I also don't want to end up saturated if I do happen to find someone I'm compatible with, as my time and energy is limited. I suppose I am cursed with a hopeful heart.

I'm also autistic (if you couldn't tell 😆). So I can struggle with black-and-white thinking, and intense self-policing on morality.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has had experience thinking these kinds of ways-- How do you balance hope for (currently?) stagnant connections with active dating and saturation?

Thanks for reading :)