My family is broken, and has been for longer than I mentally chose to accept it…
Part of me can’t believe that it’s true. I’m internally trembling as I write this.
But I think I’m seeing more now that this has always been the case for me when it comes to my parents and siblings.
I am not treated as one of them.
I don’t believe I am loved, even though the word has been thrown at me on occasion, the actions speak differently. I believe my parents tolerated me out of knowing that a parent should love their child, but actually loving me was a different story. The pattern of leaving me out of things, forgetting to tell me about something that included other family, making me feel like I’m unbearable, the constant fights, the disloyalty from my sisters who readily sided with friends who manipulated me and them to hurt me, the invalidation… I was told I have mental issues, and I’ve got problems… Now I believe my mental issues and the lashing out was my body reacting to the toxicity I was surrounded by but couldn’t fully understand. It is so exhausting when people ask me about one of my sisters and I have to pretend like I know, or even truly care what they’re doing now. Everyone loves my mother, people love my sister’s, would they love them if they knew how they treated one of their own?
I currently can’t leave my parents just yet, but one day I hope to do so fully. Sad to say I am actually beginning to hate them… I just wish I had a real family.