u/MissionNatural4067

My husband just got home from drop off….

Some backstory:
We had a shopping weekend with SD and I had booked a mani/pedi for myself. Dad asked for me to book her a princess mani/pedi, so I did.
We had a good weekend, went swimming had tons of fun.

On his way home from drop off, BM called him and told him that SD is refusing to talk to her about what she does with us on our weekends. That she’s rude and that if she wants to be with us so bad we can have her and she can live with us.
This is where “I” come in. BM told DH that SD’s attitude is my fault that I am not her mother and that I do not have any say in parenting or choices made with SD.

He comes home and tells me this, and I’m currently sitting on the couch in absolute shock, because I don’t “parent” my SD nor do I make choices for her. I started stepping back from her life significantly when I noticed I was too involved for my own good. I asked my husband what SD said that was so rude, and I probably shouldn’t do it but she’s a young kid, I don’t understand how she can be so rude to warrant an immediate phone call. He said she responded with “I don’t want to talk about that right now, can we talk about something else instead.”

Now all I’m thinking about is my SD and how her spending any amount of time with me is making her suffer at her mom’s.

DH engaged, which I told him he shouldn’t have, but he pretty much told her that she (SD) told her she didn’t want to talk about it right now, that she didn’t even give her the chance to let her settle in at home before bombarding her with the “What did you do at your dad’s house?”

Being a stepmother is not for the weak. I’m having a really hard time with all of this, and not for any personal reason, but because my being around is affecting my SD.
All this being said, I have been with my husband for 3 almost 4 years.

My SD (5) has been coming over on weekends and when asked what she did throughout the week (BM has Mon-Thurs, Dad has every weekend from Fri-Sun) she says nothing that she does not have permission to say because her mom will discipline her.

We have had similar situations in the past where the child has expressed bodily harm from her SF, so DH spoke to BM and she has vehemently stated that is not the case and that physical discipline is not used in the home, pretty much writing SD off as a liar.

SD went home tonight and told BM that she does not have permission to speak to her about what happens in our home because I - Stepmother would get upset. (NOTE: I no longer spend more than about an hour at a time with the child when here because of BM, I love the kid, I’ve known her since she was a tot, but my sanity is above dealing with crazy on a daily)

BM texted frantically asking for an explanation as to why SD has been told such things and that she does not ask SD to get personal details about our life, but more so to bond with her daughter and brought up that taking her to church does no good if we are asking her to hide things from her (BM). DH responded that this was a topic he had previously brought up with BM, but the other way around and that he nor I have told the child such a thing, he mentioned to her to tell the truth and to not lie anymore, but that he no longer brings up the conversation (with BM) because when confronted she (BM) what SD says about her household is never true. (This is all documented, but no longer felt the need to bring up for fear of interrogation to the child)

Well, the fear came true. BM lost it and recorded a voice memo interrogating the child asking if DH hits her and why she would tell DH she is not allowed to speak about what is done at her house if she never said that, she asked why she said I told her and if it was the truth or a lie and that she shouldn’t lie because “Jesus is watching.” DH responded with “why is she still awake” since it was almost 12 am, and got left on read.

It’s a hard listen, and my heart breaks for this kid.
This is out of my scope.