Needed an advice over a situation from Women from India.
Hey so firstly, I am so sorry for intruding into your space! I am Korean American, but I am posting here because I genuinely kinda needed advice and perspective from women who might understand my husband’s background better than I do. I have Indian friends here, but they are very Americanized, so I wanted to get an opinion from people from india india. Sorry if this is an intrusion!
For context, my husband and I met back when we were students through a mutual friend at church. We ended up working together, became close friends, and started dating. To be honest, when I first met him, I assumed he was Filipino based on his looks and name. As I got to know him, I became really interested in his culture and never expected India to have Southeast Asian looking people. Leaving that aside, he was the absolute sweetest guy. He used to bring me breakfast in bed every day, acted like a complete gentleman, and always looked out for me. Eventually, our parents met, hit it off, and pushed for us to get married. We tied the knot 6 months ago.
The problem started right after the wedding, and it is completely consuming me. We have never slept together.
When we were dating, we did not have intimacy because of our religious values. But after the wedding, when we were finally supposed to share a bed, he was hesitant and went to sleep on the sofa instead. I did not push it at first. Before marriage, we clearly discussed kids. I am an only child and always felt lonely, so I explicitly said I want at least two children so they can have siblings. He agreed and knew this completely.
Then he started making excuses, saying it was culturally hard for him to sleep together. I was so confused. He has plenty of female friends, knows how to interact with women, and was always affectionate with me. On our honeymoon in the Caribbean, I tried to initiate things. Right as we were about to be intimate, he suddenly got nauseous and threw up. He got sick, so of course, I backed off. Now, we technically lie on the same bed, but he sleeps on the absolute far edge away from me. I feel completely unloved and rejected as a wife.
To make matters worse, we are both doctors. He works in the ER, so his hours are crazy. He constantly uses his late shifts as an excuse to sleep on the sofa, even on weekends. Both sets of our parents are now constantly asking about grandchildren. When they ask, he just smiles and spews random medical jargon to deflect, which is complete nonsense.
When I finally confronted him, he dropped a bomb on me. He said he is against intimacy and wants us to have kids through IVF instead. He even suggested I might prefer a surrogacy. I was shocked because he never asked me once before all of this. He even made a comment that with IVF, we could pick and choose characteristics for our kid. I was furious. It feels like he wants our children to be a lab experiment??? thats like so sick and dystopic
On top of that, he suddenly announced he does not want to raise kids in the US because he thinks American kids turn out dumb. He proposed moving to South Korea or India. I told him absolutely not to Korea. I grew up there until middle school and was brutally bullied as a child just because of the type of apartment my family lived in. A mixed child would face so much prejudice.
So then he said we should go to India instead. He revealed he is already preparing for an Indian medical licensing exam and wants us to move to New Delhi, raise the kids there, and maybe come back when our future kids are in high school. He claims we can try having children if we move there. However, he is an Indian citizen on a visa here with an MD, so he can easily practice there. I am a DO. so I am not sure if I can even continue working there
If I move, my career is completely over. Does he expect me to give up my entire profession, my financial independence, and my life in the US, all while keeping me in a completely chaste marriage?
I am so heartbroken, angry, and utterly overwhelmed. I expected a real partnership, affection, and transparency before we got married, and now I feel completely trapped in a nightmare.
Is there any cultural context I am missing here, or is this as unreasonable as it feels? How do I even address this with him without blowing up my whole life? Any advice or insight would mean the world to me right now.