Discomfort with torso/stomach on T
Early 30s NB, been on low-dose testosterone for a about 2.5 years, had top surgery 1 year ago. The goal was to feel more myself, which means androgynous/gently masc.
I’ve loved a lot of the changes from T, and I’m really happy with how my chest is healing. However recently I’ve really struggled with how my upper body (especially my rib area and stomach) look. Pre-T, I pretty much always had a flat stomach, no real torso fat to speak of. I’ve had a lot of recomposition which has helped me feel less dysphoric about my thighs/butt (still don’t love my hips but I can deal), but obviously the trade off is that fat has “shifted” (I know that’s not how it works but that’s the effect) upwards. I know this is standard for T, but…. I hate it. It’s jarring and doesn’t feel like me.
I don’t know how much of this is just internalised fatphobia. I don’t think I look particularly unfit overall, but I’m struggling with not having the flat stomach/abs I used to have. For context, I struggled with anorexia for a significant period of my life, so there’s no saying that I wouldn’t have gained weight even not on T/with age (and I know I would have really struggled with looking “curvy” with the fat distribution I would have had without T). But despite all this, it’s making me inconsistent with my T (it’s a gel) because I’m so scared of hating myself more!
I am trying to get back into strength training (multiple health issues and top surgery have meant I’ve mostly just walked and done yoga) and hopefully that’ll help build some muscle and feel better, and I’m trying to maintain a slight calorie deficit. That being said, I’m hungry constantly, have very little energy, and it just sucks. I’m tall and BMI is approx 25.
Did anyone else deal with this? Is this common on a low-dose? A regular dose? Does it pass? Do I just have to learn to accept that I carry more body fat on my upper body now?
Please be kind, I’m not in a great place and am trying my best.