u/Moist-Teach2013

so this started to happen like a couple months ago im used to passing out pissing on my bed thats like every other night but recently i started screaming being very loud when i pass out black out drunk in my sleep im scaring my friends and family and i dont know how to fix that it never happened before a couple months ago does that happen to anybody else? just asking to hear experiences from other people sorry for my bad england im just a fella from the middle east looking to find similar experiences and advice thanks anyway

Hi fellas,

I dont want to write my whole life here, but im really burnt out and I need to vent. My friends and family suffered enough for my stupidity and i feel so lost so empty i cant even explain.

I'm a 23 year old alcoholic and a drug addict, it all started during the pandemic, first it was just weed i almost smoked all day everyday for 2 years, during that time i didnt drink much or didnt abuse anything(couple times of acid and molly) Then my psych pescribed me xanax for the first time and oh man that feeling it was such a relief. i was always socially anxious and im extremely shy since i was a kid. Xanax helped me a lot but now i was smoking weed and doing xanax, after that i read about how alcohol interacts with benzos basically makes both of them 20x stronger and turns you into this ''Clowny monster''. I know you all know what i mean)

I don't even remember how many times i blacked out woke up with bruises on my knees and hands. random places...

However, things got even worse when i moved to Berlin a year ago, to study. There were drug dealers everywhere, lined up in front of the supermarkets most famous parks 15 of them and the police doesnt give a single fuvk. It was so accessible so cheap compared to where i come from(especially alcohol) I was hooked on 3mmc for a long time it was the ''miracle drug'' for me it was making me social, confident and it doesnt make you ''oohh lifes so good i love you all man''(like mdma does). I did weeks of benders with random people in random apartments mixing xanax alcohol speed mmc crack meth ghb monkey I DID everything. my friends would think i was lying dead somewhere because i wasnt showing up to school or contacting anyone.

Then i decided to cut off all hard drugs and go back to good ol' alcohol(i was pretty much drinking everyday but only couple of beers). it was 10 beers a day then it was 700ml vodka and 5 beers where i would just pass out on my couch and piss myself. Yes i pissed myself probably more than 15 times.

While i was binging on alcohol, one day i was heating up something in the oven and passed out woke up to the smoke alarm house full of smoke my eyes were hurting. This was a wake up call i said to myself and it only LASTED 1 WEEK.

After a week my neighbors invited me over for a bbq and offered me a beer, I said ''its just beer it doesnt even get you drunk anymore'' big mistake. When i start drinking i just dont know how to stop. I drank for 3 months straight until this yesterday.

I've gained 15 kilos over 3 months, my face is gray/greenish and puffy my eye bags are fucked.

I decided to move back to my hometown, to my family, my kitty cat.

Its been a week since i came back yet i always find a way to get high or drunk, i wait for them to go to sleep and get a bottle of wine, beers, allergy meds?? anything literally anything i even snorted sleeping pills.

Where does this end?

My psych said ''rehab wouldn't work for you'' You have to do it yourself he is an old bastard and i hate him too the anti psychotics he pescribed me made things even worse. I stopped taking them after a month because they were really messing with me, i was feeling even more paranoid somehow.

I'm looking for another psychiatrist at the moment and considering rehab but i really don't want to do anything anymore. I completely stopped taking caring of myself i dont even want to go pee when my bladder is full.

I wish people who cared for me didn't exist or my family wasn't so fucking nice so i could fucking kill myself

i just cannot stand being this self-aware, this concious, fuck this world. its a miserable place and dont tell me ''change the way how you look into life'' its bullshit. literally wars are happening everywhere. Most of us are probably gonna see the 3rd world war in our life time.

Shout out to my jewish classmate who asked to see my dick after asking if i was circumcised, and told me ''suffering is an addiction''

I hope a meteor hits the earth soon!!

Until then take good care of yourselves.

-Dj Pissboy

What you just read was my post from r/addiction 7 months ago.

Now i mostly drink, not everyday but when i drink its 10 to 15 beers

sometimes i smoke weed but only once or twice a week

Anyway i just read my vent and wanted to share it because i know some of you fuckers are been trough the same paths i been.

Thank you for reading!! Chairs