u/Monastic_Realization

When I sponsor, my goal is not compliance or coercion. I simply take someone through the book and steps, as directed by AA, encouraging them to ask questions as we go - questions that I answer honestly.

Often, "interpretation" can be a matter of confusion to them. In AA they are exposed to varying interpretations and personalities, some radically different or opposed. They are challenged in what to "believe". Principles are frequently the answer.

Of late, I am enjoying reading some of Bills retrospects. In some instances he appears to be "cleaning up" or giving greater clarity to what he had previously written. These afterthoughts of Bills are proving to be a useful tool to me. It reminds me to be open minded and tolerant (at the very least), if not welcoming and non-judgemental.

This statement from Bill in the 1946 Grapevine illustrates that.

"So long as there is the slightest interest in sobriety, the most unmoral, the most anti-social, the most critical alcoholic may gather about him a few kindred spirits and announce to us that a new Alcoholics Anonymous Group has been formed. Anti-God, anti-medicine, anti our Recovery Program, even anti-each other — these rampant individuals are still an AA Group if they think so!"

When I arrived in AA, I was surprised (to say the least) at the relatively widespread use of the Lords Prayer in my area. It was/is an important part of the meeting for many of the other attendees.

The old-timers, and those with more time and wisdom than me, suggested I participate, using my own words, or applying different meaning to the prayer. They said the Lords Prayer was "only words". They told me that being a part of it, regardless of what was in my head, was contributing to unity in AA. It was essential, they said, and demonstrated my willingness - THE most central component of sobriety according to them.

So I took their advice, and rewrote the prayer to be less Christian, and more in keeping with the power I subscribe to, making my participation more meaningful.

As follows:

Our Buddha,
Who found enlightenment,
Revered is your name.
Nirvana will come
By following the 8 Fold Path
In this life
Or maybe in reincarnation.
Your path liberates us from suffering.
Our trespasses are our Karma
and we offer Metta towards all beings.
Our practice will guide us away from the 5 poisons and suffering
So we may find the truth.
For the kingdom is the present moment
where we are liberated from delusions of power and glory,
and time is an illusion.
Namo Buddhaya.

In AA, where we have the absolute freedom to choose, and where the power we choose is central to our recovery, I found it important to my journey to exercise those choices.

They are only words. But they are words that helped me, as a non-Christian.

I had a heck of a time recently with a sponsee who had been previously sponsored by someone else, speaking as if their alcoholism was another conscious being, with intentions, outside of themselves. Multiple references of their disease "waiting for them to be weak", "doing push-ups in the parking lot" and "my disease made me do it" type stuff.

All good things in their life was "them", and all bad things in their life was "their disease".

We are the sum of our parts. We are our esteemable acts, service to others and sobriety, just as much as we are our character defects, spiritual malady, and our disease. There is no dog to eat our homework, no bogeyman, no puppet-master. We are at the steering wheel. We are working with the cards we are dealt.

If I follow my path, I will be fine. Wander from my path, and my choices will result in outcomes - maybe positive, maybe negative. But the moment I make my disease a separate entity to myself, is the moment I abdicate responsibility and open the door to trouble and self pity.

I have nothing lying in wait for me - I have the present moment and the choices I make in that moment which result in outcomes. So far, good outcomes.

My friend, who struggles, is collapsing.

When sober (or moderating well), he is the nicest, kindest, chattiest, generous person there is. Affable and reliable. Good job, nice wife, nice things, etc.

He started drinking again, and went on a several day binge, in which his wife left, his job fired him, he was arrested, and his landlord evicted him, based on threats to other tenants, and he apparently made a spectacle of himself in public in the town we live in.

There wasn't a whole lot I could do "during", but "afterwards" I spoke with him and tried to talk some sense into him. But he was still angry at his wife, his boss, his landlord, and the police. Zero accountability. The sad thing is that I think, some of this could have been salvageable, had there been an ounce of humility.

It was like looking into a mirror for me - the ghost of Christmas past. I was that man.

I sit here, with a mixture of empathy, frustration, and acceptance. Thankfully, somewhere along the way, I learned to pause, to regulate, to reflect, and to balance.

I write this more for anyone lurking. Anyone dealing with a life beginning to crumble or tear at the seams. An implosion can often happen in the blink of an eye - poof, and (nearly) everything is gone. Life is normal one day, and a day later, after some bad decisions, everything changes. If your life is straining at the seams, there is a good chance it will get worse, not better.

Quitting drinking isn't a cure for every circumstance we all inevitably face. But it sure reduces the odds of avoidable catastrophe. There is no hole too deep that digging is a better option than climbing. And to that point - things DO get better.

If you are reading this, and worried, click the "create post" button, and ask for help. The folks here will tell you what your options are.

Peace.

When I arrived in AA, I definitely had issues with acceptance - I would go as far as saying I didn't even really know what acceptance was.

Sadly, my first sponsor didn't really know what acceptance was either, and I was mentored by his incomplete perspective - the clueless leading the clueless, so to speak.

In his mind, acceptance was, in practical terms, a form of apathy. He believed that acceptance was the act of letting everything go.

But, acceptance is often the first action in instigating rigorous change.

For example, Step One in AA (We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable) is perhaps the ultimate lesson, or most important lesson in acceptance, that many alcoholics go through. For me it was followed by work, reflection, and change. I ACTIVELY used my acceptance to instigate change. It is the driving force behind change.

To touch upon the absurd, it would be a little ridiculous if I just "accepted" that I was alcoholic, and "let it go".

Acceptance is not apathy. Acceptance is acknowledging things for what they are, being open to the truth, being educated (or seeking to educate myself) on matters that usually cause discomfort, and being able to sit with them with equanimity. From a place of observance, like the example in Step One, we have great power to cultivate change. Sobriety is empowerment.

The Serenity Prayer offers the following:
(1) Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
(2) The courage to change the things I can.
(3) And wisdom to know the difference.

In every situation we have the ability to exercise part 2: The courage to change the things I can, because we have control over our thinking and how we respond. There are no situations that we cannot change, because there are no situations in which we have no choice about how we face them.

Take, for example, the gravest circumstance we face - death. We cannot change death. We must accept it. But we can change how we respond to it. By seeing our response to anything/everything we face, we realize that have an interconnected role in everything.

Acceptance is in many ways the most empowering state of being we have. It's also knowing how to prioritize what is worth our attention.

The truism "we are what we think" is quite fascinating in it's simplicity. Today the word "mindfulness" has become quite ubiquitous.

I have often wondered how much Bill W. considered the concept in the Big Book when writing it, that has not been documented. It is clear that repetition and faith was, and is, a defining theme in what he wanted to present, as was the concept of "defects of character". It could be said that the lynchpin of the program is the methodical approach to "thinking" even when it is as amorphous as his idea that being "willing to believe" is so important in AA, with Step 10 being obviously related (as they all are).

I relate to this angle a lot: "our daily experiences, habits, and suffering are entirely preceded by and shaped by our minds. If you plant seeds of wholesome thought, happiness follows; if you nurture harmful ones, suffering ensues." I know I am the manifestation of my thoughts. It's as clear as day.

It is somewhat of a paradox that reclaiming personal autonomy and liberation, can be supported by practicing discipline of the mind.

There is no one universally agreed upon definition of spirituality.

Most would agree that, at its core, spirituality involves the search for importance, meaning, purpose and value of one's life.

That search yields a spectrum of uniquely different answers for different people.

For some it may result in religion, for some Atheism, and for some, an answer that falls either somewhere in-between or nowhere near either. Or....no answer at all.

That, in many ways, is the point.

In the context of AA, it is important to point out that the broad meaning of "Spirituality" or "being spiritual", does not require having a God or a Higher Power. To attempt to categorize spirituality as being contingent on having a God, or Higher Power, is by definition - a doctrine, and an off-shoot of the broader meaning.

For those who struggle (we have had a couple of posts on this over the last 24 hours), I attest that I engage in a spiritual journey that has no God or higher power and I have incorporated AA into my sobriety journey.

Spirituality is self-defined. Some choose the definitions offered by others (religions, guru's, doctrines, etc) and that's totally fine, but measuring the spirituality of one person over another, is the antithesis of self discovery.

We are not all square pegs, and life is not a square hole. The essence of Spirituality is about discovery, where we decide a right answer for ourselves, and not for others. And nobody decides the answer for us.

A wonderful principle in AA is that of "attraction, not promotion".

At times I have seen it counter-balanced with "carrying the message" - sometimes tipping too far in one direction or the other.

For me, the most influential people in AA, the people who had what I wanted, were attractive to me, not because they always had a quote for every situation, or were the loudest voice - but because they had a quiet self assuredness about them. A modest and restrained quiet wisdom and peace. An "aura" is the best way to describe it, that needed few words. But those words always seemed curated with humility.

I'm curious how members here go about carrying the message, while holding the handrail of "attraction, not promotion"? It can be challenging in the online/written medium.

"Leadership" is such a tricky thing in AA. On one hand we frequently see leaders as "the glue" in some groups, keeping things moving along and relying on their wisdom, but on the other hand the spirit of rotation is a highly valued principle in AA. A worst case scenario is seeing/allowing a leader to have too much "power", as the group begins to form to their preferences and personality - I've seen that too.

I've even seen "leadership" change on this forum over the 4 years I have been visiting that has shown the different "personalities" that various moderators bring, just as different meeting chairs bring different personality to in-person meetings.

I personally think AA is well served when leadership and service is rotated frequently, spreading the privilege and opportunity to serve fairly amongst members (who want to serve) without bias or prejudice.

This is interesting information taken from the "The AA Group" pamphlet that I think can be helpful to newcomers and old-timers alike.

"Traditionally, rotation ensures that group tasks, like nearly everything else in A.A., are passed around for all to share.

Many groups have alternates to each trusted servant who can step into the service positions if needed. To step out of an A.A. office you love can be hard. If you have been doing a good job, if you honestly don’t see anyone else around willing, qualified, or with the time to do it, and if your friends agree, it’s especially tough. But it can be a real step forward in growth — a step into the humility that is, for some people, the spiritual essence of anonymity.

Among other things, anonymity in the Fellowship means that we forgo personal prestige for any A.A. work we do to help alcoholics. And, in the spirit of Tradition Twelve, it ever reminds us “to place principles before personalities.” Many outgoing service position holders find it rewarding to take time to share their experience with the incoming person. Rotation helps to bring us spiritual rewards far more enduring than any fame. With no A.A. “status” at stake, we needn’t compete for titles or praise — we have complete freedom to serve as we are needed."

Their website has some information on AUD and Alcoholism.

They specifically acknowledge and endorse AA by name, as being a valuable layer of support on their Finding and Getting Help Page.

"Alcoholics Anonymous® (also known as "AA") and other12-step programs provide peer support for people quitting or cutting back on their drinking. Combined with treatment led by health care providers, mutual-support groups can offer a valuable added layer of support.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/treatment-alcohol-problems-finding-and-getting-help

They go on to say ***"***Participating in a mutual support group can reinforce and extend the benefits of professional treatment and provide much-needed social support over the long term." and list AA on the top of their list of all of those they list.

https://alcoholtreatment.niaaa.nih.gov/support-through-the-process/long-term-recovery-support

I have always found this often quoted AA'ism to be very thought provoking - especially in the context of AA:

“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation.”
BB | Spiritual Experience | P568

It's purpose is to promote us keeping an open mind, and not to disregard information due to biases (or ignorance) we may have.

It sprang to mind today, when I read a very similar quote (in meaning) from the Greek philosopher, Epictetus which reads:

"It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows". It struck me in the same way.

The path of learning, of openness, personal growth, and (seeking) the humility and grace that accompanies being willing to learn, has been invaluable and enlightening to me.

I consider it a blessing.