My fiancé and I are on the verge of breaking up.
My breakfast today is granola, caffeine, and a backwoods.
My fiancé (M28) and I (F24) have been together for almost 4 years. It was love at first sight, head over heels type of love. We’d stay up late talking to each other during college, got wasted often and had a blast. He got me through one of the most difficult periods of my life.
I was only 20 when we met but his patience was unlike anything I ever encountered, he was kind to me during difficult times, and he was the smartest man I’ve ever met. We were both attached to the hip. He purposed to me 5 months into our relationship and I asked him if we could move in together- because I wanted to be with him, and my living situation with my parents wasn’t the healthiest. So I did the scary thing- say yes to the ring, and move out. I was terrified for both.
It was not easy. I was a real jerk at first. I used to smoke a lot of weed to cope with my intense emotions and get over a lot of previous experiences. It helped, but over time it strained my relationship with my fiancé and myself. I went into counseling and tried to work through my lingering issues with my partner. I poured my heart and soul into a personal journal, saying how much I loved him and wanted to be better for others.
His father had terminal cancer and passed away a year after we moved in together, and a few months after I graduated college. I had a very difficult time because I became close to his father in a short amount of time. I wasn’t there for his father’s death- I was at home, very high, and my parents had to drive me 2.5 hours to his parents’ house. I wish I hadn’t, because now this event has come back to bite me in the rear.
Before his dad passed away, he told his son never to smoke weed again. My partner asked me to respect it and do the same. I had a really hard time with it and crossed that boundary so many times, lied about it, etc. and the shame I feel now is immense. A few months after his father’s passing, he was not the same. He gained so much weight from food and alcohol, I didn’t know how to support him. So I kept smoking weed, eventually he found out. I’ve never, ever seen him so angry in my life. His mom didn’t know what to do. I had to throw my mom under the bus for it- and now he doesn’t like her at all.
Since then, he’s never been the same. Again, it hurt me so much, I had to smoke weed again. I told him. And yet again, got incredibly angry. For 1.5 years it’s been so many verbal arguments and it’s gotten to our heads. It’s affecting my mental health, and I see how it’s affecting him. In the past, I tried antidepressants. Since being off, I’ve been going to the gym, trying to track my food, going to therapy, journaling, walking, diving deep into my uncomfortable emotions not only to better my relationship but to become a better human.
This past year has been the most difficult, and it’s hard to put it into words. I destroyed the man I was going to marry. Lately every time he drinks or is under a lot of stress, he says some very nasty things to me- he knows it gets under my skin. And I feel helpless, because I’m constantly reminded of what I did wrong in the past, apparently it’s holding me accountable. I tell my friends about it. And they all tell me the same thing- you need to let go. I know what might need to happen and it’s been keeping me up at night. I wish he could see how hard I’m trying to keep us afloat- financially, and in our relationship.
If I’ve learned anything from this…no one tells you how lonely it feels when you’re healing on your own.
TLDR: My 4 year relationship might be coming to an end because of past actions and it’s been resurfacing for the past year.