AITA for feeling this way?
I've recently have gotten into an IOP program and have stayed sober for about 3 weeks from alcohol. Been sober from adderrall for 7 years.
About 12 years ago I got to the end of my undergraduate degree and had a massive breakup with someone and just wasn't feeling good. I am a musician and wasn't feeling good about my playing. I got into grad school on a free ride and was thankful for it. But I didn't want to go. I just wanted to be a bartender to just figure out my life. My parents had strong feelings about this and they hated the idea of me being a bartender. They basically told me I have to go to grad school. I told them I'd move out the house and figure out a way to make a living but they said no. I gave them several solutions but they objected. So I caved in and decided to go to grad school despite me not wanting to go. At this point I hated practicing my instrument and didn't want to go but I had to because my parents are very strict.
In order to tolerate grad school and practicing I go to a psychiatrist that my mom introduces me to and I lie to the doctor that I have ADHD. This was so I could get adderrall and tolerate practicing and school because this drug helps you get interested in things you normally don't care about. Grad school happens and it goes ok, almost won a military job and what not. Eventually it's time to graduate and my professor wants me to do the DMA but I'm in the middle of a severe drug addiction. Not being aware I'm literally on drugs to fuel a career I don't want, I decide to do my Doctorate at School A. I wanted to go to School B but my professor says no because he doesn't like the teacher and didn't allow me to go there or else he would black ball me from ever playing in orchestras. Felt awful. I agree to go to school A, despite knowing the vibes where bad at this place.
Fast forward 3 years, I'm miserable. Like really miserable. I hated attending school A. I'm physically, mentally, and psychologically exhausted at this point. I couldn't go any further and I was starting to use parts of my brain I shouldn't be using. I was even using other hard drugs to this point to fuel a career only my parents wanted for me. I was also struggling with my sexual identity on top of this. This caused me to dip into what felt like a mental illness. It was a really scary psychosomatic illness. Because I was sick, I also got addicted to alcohol and as soon as I came home from my bartending gigs, I would hang out with friends online and drink until 5am everyday.
Eventually the psychosomatic illness was so severe I couldn't walk or hold my head up straight. I could barely breathe. I had to quit work because I was physically unable to.
Luckily this year I figured out what was triggering the illness and the physical symptoms are starting to fade and I'm in a really good IOP for addiction. Today I'm spiraling because I had dinner with my parents and they told me it's my fault that I was addicted to drugs/alcohol and it's my fault I got into a psychosomatic illness. My Mom says "It wasn't your environment, you made these choices." Was it my fault I had to hide my sexual identity because my Dad is a huge homophobe? Is it my fault I got addicted to drugs because you forced me to go to grad school because all you care about is getting degrees I don't use? Is it my fault I tried my best to be a musician and literally killed myself doing so in the process and receive a psychosomatic illness and probably a mental illness? I feel really angry about this and want to relapse. What makes me mad is that they hired a therapist for themselves because me going through this was too much for them and they wanted to know why I was going through this. I told their therapist I hated the fact they made me go to school and had to get addicted to drugs to get by. They immediately deflect and say they don't remember forcing me to do this.
I know I should of stood up to my parents and professors but I didn't know what else to do. Also I feel guilty for being mad and I'm sure I'm going to be called soft. I just hated the fact my Mom told me not to blame the environment that drove me to illness and addiction when in fact it felt like it. And when I move out of my parents house I kind of want to cut ties with them. I think my relationship with theme is really unhealthy. Is this overreacting?