I still love him, but I don’t feel the same around him anymore.
I don’t know how to explain this without sounding contradictory.
I have a boyfriend who I love, and there are genuinely good things about our relationship. He moved to my country so we could be together, and we now share a home.
But something happened that changed how I feel around him.
During a bad argument, he hit me in the face. I had bruises afterward.
He cried, apologized, and said he couldn’t control himself. He told me he’d understand if I wanted to leave.
I haven’t been able to forget that moment.
Sometimes we’re lying next to each other and everything seems normal, but I feel strangely distant. I don’t want physical intimacy the way I used to. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with affection, even though I still care about him deeply.
And then I feel terrible for feeling that way.
I have BPD, so I know my emotions can be intense. I sometimes say things I regret when I’m overwhelmed. I’m working on understanding that part of myself, but I don’t believe it makes being hit acceptable.
There are other things I worry about, too. Our families don’t really get along, our political views are different, and I don’t know whether we want the same kind of future.
I want to become a tattoo artist, improve my English, see the world, and keep growing as a person. I want someone who shares that excitement about life.
But I also don’t want to abandon someone I love.
I feel stuck between remembering who we were before that argument and wondering whether I can ever feel the same again.
I don’t know whether love can survive losing that sense of safety.
I just wanted to put these feelings somewhere, because keeping them inside has been exhausting.