I think I need help
Hi, I’m 18 and I’ve been struggling for a while now and I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me.
For ages I’ve had these thoughts telling me to kill myself over and over. The thing is I don’t actually want to die. I have people I love and I know I don’t want to leave them, but the thoughts just keep coming anyway. If I’m distracted they’re not as bad, but if I’m on my own or stressed it’s like they just flood my head. It almost feels like there’s another part of my brain constantly saying it even though I know it’s me. I hate it and I don’t want to be thinking like this.
I’ve self harmed before as well. At the moment I’m more scared of the thoughts than actually wanting to die, but they can get really intense and it’s exhausting constantly fighting with my own head.
Lately I’ve actually started feeling a bit better in some ways. I’ve got a hobby now, I have a bit more energy and I’m not as numb as I used to be. But for some reason that doesn’t feel good. It actually scares me. Feeling better feels wrong somehow and I don’t even know why. Part of me almost doesn’t want to recover because then I won’t have an excuse for not being able to do things like homework or normal everyday stuff. I know that probably sounds stupid but it’s genuinely how it feels.
I also find it really hard to explain how I feel. Even telling the truth about little things feels long, awkward and complicated for some reason. Opening up makes me cringe and I hate asking for help. When people tell me they’ve been through the exact same thing I know they’re only trying to help, but instead it kind of makes me feel worse and I don’t really know why.
I’ve wondered if this could be OCD because the thoughts don’t feel like something I actually want, but I honestly have no idea. It could be anxiety, depression or something completely different.
Has anyone else had anything like this? Especially the part where feeling better actually feels uncomfortable or scary? I just feel really confused and I don’t know what’s going on with me.