Even after top surgery and starting t I still can't stand myself, in fact it might actually be worse
It feels like no matter what I do I always end up in the same depression loop of hating myself. I barely remember anything before my surgery but it felt like there was just one thing that bothered me to focus on, only one thing to hate.
Now it feels like there's a million other things I never even thought about before, my voice, my hips and thighs, my stoamch. that will never change bc female puberty ruined my body, my acne now that I'm on t. I feel like girls will never look at me or want to date me because why on earth would a girl ever choose to date me: a guy who looks 16 when he's 19, doesn't have a dick so he can't fuck her, and has acne all over his face and neck.
I cant get over how ill probably never have a dick and it feels like ill never have a normal body. Other guys have what I want naturally.
The only girl who ever liked me was trans and she straight up looked like a dude. And I'm not saying that to be mean it's just the truth. She had facial hair, very visible adams apple, wearing man's clothes (i dont even know why I didnt stick around long enough to find out, probably closeted or some shit, not her fault but come on)
When she told me she liked me I told her I'm not gay and she said "thats ok, cuz I'm a girl" I felt sick like I wanted to throw up so I just ran away. Am I just doomed to only dating trans girls who look like men for the rest of my fucking life?
I tried so hard to gain muscle and get abs but nothing I do seems to work and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. All the information is so confusing and nothing seems to work for me. It just feels impossible for me to have that kind of lean, muscular, aesthetic body that I want. I've been trying to lose my stomach fat and get ab muscles for fucking months and theres barely any change. I box 3 times a week, climb twice a week and du kung fu twice a week. I see people on youtube who got abs in 4 months and I just don't understand how.
I go to the boxing and climbing gyms and I just get sick with jealousy everytime I go. I feel like everyone is always staring at the parts of my body I don't like. There are 16 year olds there that look older than me, some with full fucking facial hair and six packs just casually taking their shirts off like I wish I could do. There was this one guy at boxing, we were talking and he asked how old I was and I told him I was 19 and he literally laughed in my face, said he was sure I was 15/16.
Everywhere I go people still fucking ask which highschool/grade I'm in. I had this job a while back, taking care of animals and guiding middle and highschoolers how to care for them. Most of the kids, the first time they met me thought I was one of them when I was in charge of them! It was humiliating. Will people ever take me seriously? I'm going to university next year and usually people in my country go when they're 21-25 and I'll be 19.
I don't want to be treated like a child. I've had enough of people babying me all my life because I'm autistic and because my dad died 3 years ago. now my mom want to tell the uni that im autistic so I'll get into the dorms but I just want a fresh start where people don't know all this bullshit about me.
Also its really hard not having a father figure/male role model. My mother's best friend had to teach me how to shave my face. I wanted my dad to be there to teach me. I miss him so much he and wonder everyday what he would think of who I am today.
At the boxing club i go to, today I was talking with two guys one guy asked the other guy if he was my dad bc he said we looked alike. I dont even know how I felt I just wanted my dad.
Me and my mom dont get on and its non stop fighting with her about crap . I cant wait to move out to the dorms for university, if I could i would skip to then. I dont have any siblings so all the attention is on me and if i do something she doesnt like she gets super mad even if its the tiniest damn thing. Shes a clean freak and im messy so that happens often.
For the past week and a half I didn't go climbing boxing or kung fu like I usually do because I just couldn't face it. (Today I went and realized how much I missed it, I'll try to go more and climbing too)
I stayed at home and just wasted my time all day, it just made feel worse and I started eating a lot more unhealthy food/sweets to try to cope obviously that didn't help and only made me feel worse with myself and my body (before this I was really careful about what I was eating and how much, checking nutrition lables for unhealthy stuff, obessed over protein but I just got tired of that I guess) I probably gained weight and fat in my stomach which is the area I hate the most about myself right now. To think after all I've been through I still cant stand myself shirtless.