u/MrPewPew457

I’ve never hated anyone or anything more than myself. I’m so close to becoming a complete waste of space. I am a miserable pile of shit, who really hasn’t learned fuck all from past mistakes. I’m an F student at school who has been offered help so many fucking times but I spit in the faces of anyone trying to help me actually succeed. I’ve failed so many years because of my ignorance and stupidity. Yes, I do suffer from shit like Autism, ADHD, and OCD. But that really doesn’t matter when I have the mental capability to realize that I’m struggling. It’s genuinely all my fault. But this isn’t just about school. I’m even worse outside of that.

I get offended when anyone compliments me on anything I do/did. I’m being dead serious. You could tell me to go off myself and I would feel way less offended than if you told me that I was a good person. My friends and family always try (in vain) to get me to see myself in a different light. And believe me, I truly did try to hear them out, but my opinion on myself only became worse. And I’m grateful that they are as supportive as they are. It’s becoming repetitive at this point. I’ve even started lying to my family “accepting myself”. Told them shit like: “I don’t praise myself verbally” just so they’d stop saying the SAME things to me over and over again expecting me to start magically loving myself . “You should be proud of yourself!” And “You need to give yourself more credit!” Are a few examples of what they always say to me.

And all of this is making me feel like I’m not the version of myself that was supposed to exist, (as insane as that sounds) like some mistake happened in the universe that caused THIS specific version of me to exist instead of the one. I just genuinely need to be replaced with someone better. I’m WAY too stupid and slow for my own.

I believe think I even deserve “love” at this point. Because let’s be real with ourselves here. NO ONE would/should like someone who hates themselves this much. The only reason some people like me is that I’ve been able to mask it and downplay it for this long. I’m a miserable waste of space and resources who honestly deserves way worse than what I’m currently dealing with right now

Literally the only praise I can give myself is that I am somewhat decent at art and voice acting, and that I’m selfless enough for people to still like me. Other than that, I hate myself. More than anything or anyone in my life. I’ve honestly never had a positive self image ever in my life. I’m a miserable piece of shit who promises that he’ll change, but only gets worse. Genuinely dumb as shit, slow as all hell, while being held as the “golden boy” in the family. And then the fuck ass mental disorders and illnesses makes it even harder to exist, let alone like myself.

My family and friends try (in vain) to get me to see myself in a positive light. And believe me, I’ve listened to countless praise and positive affirmations from them, but it NEVER works. If I genuinely didn’t mask as hard as I do, I’m pretty sure that nobody would like me. Because let’s be 100% honest with ourselves. Who GENUINELY wants to be around/like a person who hates themselves that much? No one does, and you’re lying to everyone INCLUDING yourself if you say otherwise.

I’ve had to distance myself from my friends recently because of how bad my self hatred has gotten. And I know that sounds isolating and contradictory. But if I ended up losing them because of my self hatred, I probably would’ve hated myself WAY more than I do right now. But maybe I should lose them. Because if I hate myself THAT much, then do I really deserve friends? Hell, do I even deserve any kind of love in general? I’m honestly starting to believe that I don’t at this point. I’m objectively not the worst person in the world. But I’m definitely the worst person in my life

I’ve recently decided to take a long break from all my friend groups because my self hatred and depression have been skyrocketing to levels I never thought were possible (and yes, I did inform them before hand). I know that nothing they say or do will change my mind about myself. And if I were to stay, it would probably only get worse. I can’t in good faith do that to them, it’s not fair at all to any of them. But that has made me think of something.

If I hate myself to the point where I don’t even WANT to like myself, then maybe I shouldn’t have friends, or any other type of relationship with anyone at all for that matter. I can’t truly love someone else how cares about me if I despise the fact that I exist. Again, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. I know I’d be isolating myself from everyone, but why would anyone want to be around someone so unfathomably miserable? No one would, and no one should want to. It does make me really sad, but if I can prevent someone else from becoming as miserable as me, it’s something I may need to consider