I have gotten to a point of life and adulthood that my ADHD feels quite suffocating. Sometimes it makes me want to just want to say fuck it to life because constantly all day long I’ll just be fucking things up and trying to catch up and trying to function to the point where I feel like I’m not even living.
I always feel like I’m not fully in reality because I can’t keep track of shit. I have a set schedule for the week, I work five days but there all random and random times and that fucks with me I’m always questioning if I have work right now or not bc there have been so many times that I’ve forgotten I’ve had work at 9 because another day was at 2 or shit like that and I don’t trust myself at all.
I’m a horrible friend because I will never reach out or text first because to be completely honest I just don’t think about people it will be absolutely gone from my mind until I’m randomly reminded and then stressed the fuck out so I’ll respond to the text I’ve been stressing about for a week which I HATE bc then it’s an automatic response that I then have to respond to. It makes me feel like people think I’m selfish and horrible because I absolutely cannot stand keeping up on a phone I’m just a see you when I see you person but I will not be the person making the plans bc I’ll forget, shitty right? Nobody will view it as actually just forgetting because neurotypical people just cant see that since it’s normal and easy for them and they’ll never be able to grasp how exhausting and hard it is for me to be an actual “functioning” person. And when I do make plans most time I forget I even have them until they’re like, can’t wait to see you today! And because I’m so bad at scheduling I’ll realize I accidentally made plans over plans and have to cancel on things and feel like shit about myself or didn’t check that I had work. I’m a hairdresser and friend will make an appointment with me and I’ll forget to book it because regular costumers just book it themselves and they’ll show up and I’m doing a random old dude and they’re stuck waiting. This has happened multiple times. It makes me not want to have any friends at all because that’s one less thing to keep up with and the most difficult one.
Not to mention my car has been broken for a month and every day I think fuck I gotta fix it and then never call and make an appointment. Now I have to house sit for someone for a week who lives 30 minutes away from my job that I have to drive back and forth to with a car that’s about to shit bricks. I was aware of this for a month and have been worried my car will just fucking blow during that yet still the entire time did not fix the problem so I’d feel better instead jsut stressed and stressed about it. and now I can’t fix it until next week so I’m fucked.
These are just recent things. Every single waking moment of my entire life it has been like this with everything I could right a list for a million years about all the stuff I fucked up and things I pushed off for months even years. It makes my life fucking insufferable and makes me hate myself. And nothing I do or try helps at all because it’s miserable either way.
How do you stand to live with it?