I don't think I'll ever come back, and God, it's killing me.
I'm gone. I'll never again have what I had, or be who I used to be, and I don't have faith that it'll get much better. I spend a lot of time grieving the capable woman I used to be; my old friendships; the skills I once had; my personality. Everything I was once so secure in is totally gone, and there's no way to get it back. Besides, once things change, how often do they really revert?
I'm so odd, but I can't see how. I can tell I'm not right, but I can't change back, oh God ...
I loved someone. So much. He can't see me like this, even if there was any possibility we'd ever reconnect. I don't ever want him to see how I devolved. We had a wonderful life together once, and I often think about how sad he'd be to know me now. I'm a lesser version of myself, and I'm so ashamed. Now that I'm back home, those I've re-encountered, they've noticed. When I watch their faces, I see sorrow for me wash over them, and I am so ashamed. As for those I knew and haven't known again since, I've had to let them go. They CAN'T see me like this!
I can't remember ANYTHING new. I have no working memory. I don't understand what I read anymore. My attention doesn't span. I can't ride public transportation because I just get so lost. Even with GPS, I don't know where I am, and sometimes, I don't even know how I got there.
If Daddy was still alive, what would he see in me? He'd break. He'd sob just how I'm doing right now.
I was way broken before the treatments, but now, I think I'm shattered beyond repair. I was desperate - truly desperate, but was all of this worth it???
Unilateral. 50 regular sessions in 2 years. My last one was 6 months ago.