u/Murky_History33

I want to chat with someone that feels like a warm bubble bath in winter, when the house is freezing but the water is scalding hot.

Someone who makes me feel safe and soft and calm.

Someone who doesn’t mind that sometimes I wander off like a stray cat and trusts I will always come home.

Someone who doesn’t need me to be anything in particular but wants me regardless.

I work a lot but spend my weekends also working, and the first meeting on my calendar every day is empty time to get my day in order. I have plants on my balcony and my office philodendron has a name.

I am looking for someone with a calm energy, who uses blackout curtains and fussy little bottles of linen spray, will read Architectural Digest with me and thinks manicures are routine. I am strict about sleep hygiene and love fresh flowers, and my tattoo artist sends me memes about therapy.

Current go to shade is Fenty Beauty’s Hot Choclit with MAC lipliner in Plum. But Clinique Black Honey lives in my purse.

I’m debating eyelash extensions because I cannot be bothered to manage mascara fall out however I live in fear of looking like Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street.

I am scared of spiders, commitment, and the sun exploding. I don’t talk to my father and my brother can go right to hell.

Both of my jobs involve telling people what to do and how to do it better, and I am overqualified for them both.

I have a personality that could start a cult but I do not like people enough to try.

My partners tend to be my age or older, be exceptionally driven, and most importantly, not looking for someone to complete them. You are not a project I am willing to manage.

Tell me what you do in the hour before you fall asleep.

At most I will be something you briefly obsess over until you come to your senses.

I am not looking for a grand romantic connection. So far every one of my relationships has stemmed from a strong friendship, and as a result I don’t have a single ex I wouldn’t call with a flat tire at 2am. I am deeply uncomfortable with emotions and expressions of admiration and never once have I told a partner I loved them and truly meant it.

I work a lot, and don’t have much free time outside of work. I don’t have the patience for dates and if I have to make the same small talk over and over again I might actually just scream. The only person I talk to on the phone is a thousand miles away and we schedule check ins through calendar invites for our commutes. I have unreasonably high standards for myself and everyone I keep in my life and truly do not have the patience for mediocrity.

Here is the small talk, we can get it out of the way here: I am 34, 5’2 (5’2.75 at my rheumatologist’s office), lots of tattoos, a moderate amount of piercings, and currently my hair is what my 22 year old hairstylist calls cherry cola red but I am tired of it. When I’m not working my real job I’m at the gym, and when I’m not at the gym for myself I’m there training clients on weekends. I have a handful of friends that are across the country, and I spent my money on plane tickets to see them and my tattoo artist.

Last week someone called me toxic because I held them to an expectation I clearly outlined from the start.

I’m not looking for a grand romantic connection. So far every one of my relationships has stemmed from a strong friendship, and as a result I don’t have a single ex I wouldn’t call with a flat tire at 2am.

I work a lot, and don’t have much free time outside of work. I don’t have the patience for dates and if I have to make the same small talk over and over again I might actually just scream.

Here is the small talk, we can get it out of the way here: I am 34, 5’2 (5’2.75 at my rheumatologist’s office), lots of tattoos, a moderate amount of piercings, and currently my hair is what my 22 year old hairstylist calls cherry cola red. When I’m not working my real job I’m at the gym, and when I’m not at the gym for myself I’m there training clients. I have a handful of friends that are across the country, and I spent my money on plane tickets to see them.

I’m looking for someone to talk to and coexist with. Just pretend we already know each other. I’m skittish.