My Thanatophobia has put a stop toy life
I (M35) have had issues in the past with bouts of depression/anxiety normally before something big in my life happens. Out of nowhere a few days ago with no massive changes in my life my latest existential crisis happened and I've just hit a brick wall. My wife has been avoiding me and I don't blame her as she was subjected to this before during my last bout and it wasn't fair on her.
I tried private therapy that didn't help as no one can answer or confirm my biggest fear which is nothingness after I pass. I find myself asking what's the point of it if nothing is what happens at the end. My whole life and memories just gone this absolutely terrifies me and nothing is taking my mind off it. That's just scratching the surface of what's on my mind.
I feel bad because I have the most wonderful 20 month old son who I love more than anything and children even at this age can tell something is wrong when I see that smiling face run at me I try my best to be normal daddy for him but he knows something is up. I have to try not to break down crying. I feel so selfish I don't want him to see his dad like this.
I function to the point where I can do my job, walk the dog and look after my child but it just feels like my own life has just hit a wall. I'm calling my doctor on Monday to see if I should go back on medication.
Any advice from parents that go through this?