u/MurphySleeps

I graduated from college last night, with an amazing average and already working full time on my job field for the last 3 years.

During the evening the depressive thoughts that I always carry in the back of my mind kept invading my stream of consciousness. It didn’t matter that my professor addressed my hard work in her speech, I immediately thought “You are not his favorite student and clearly you didn’t do enough”. One of my best friends went up to the stage because she won an award for the best thesis on the year and instead of being happy I could only think “That could’ve been you if you worked harder, but you wasted your time whining about how exhausted you are”. Everyone was there with their family and I wasn’t, “You made this of yourself, you pushed them away to protect yourself and you still feel this way”. Even while at the party this thoughts keep creeping out “you look ridiculous dancing, you are not even having a good time, you didn’t made enough effort to be friends with these people and they wouldn’t notice if you just left”.

I know this thoughts aren’t true, but why do they have to keep popping up? I don’t wanna think like that, and no matter how much I try to convince myself that these thoughts are not real and I’m just being mean to myself, they always come back and ruin every single moment. I had fun last night but I couldn’t enjoy it because I kept thinking that my brain is wired this way and there’s not a way out, I’m gonna ruin every single big moment of my life because of an illness that no matter how much I fight I can’t overcome.

Am I gonna be like this for the rest of my life? Depression has messed up a lot of areas of my life, but the feeling that this way of thinking will never go away only makes everything worse.