u/Muted-Conclusion-670

I have been in a very healthy relationship for a long time. Great guy! Thought I’ll marry him! The problem was his family was a little castist and I was very uncertain if I’ll ever be accepted and I don’t want to get into a family that hates me because I technically don’t have a dad!!
Anyways cut to there was another guy(has been my best friend for a long time), who told me all the rosy things on the planet on why someone would do anything to marry me and acted as if he is in love with me. Now because I was in a relationship I didn’t do anything with him physically at all.
So when my relationship was going through a very tough time, I kind of believed that my boyfriend is actually not putting his all in because someone is clearly saying that they would.
Turns out, this guy(best friend)never had any intention to be with me because same, his family was not okay and he has said this after I broke up with my boyfriend(I was still talking to him and haven’t completely completely cut him off).
I felt like a loser. This guy, the friend I was talking about, didn’t want a relationship with me either. And most importantly he was involved with another girl now while I was not in the same city and he never told me about things advancing with her. I was extremely broken not because he didn’t want me but because I was feeling like a fool. And now I ended up sleeping with him though I was feeling horrible about it. I didn’t it once twice thrice and I decided I don’t want to do this anymore and I wanted to start seeing some other people. And eventually when I actually started seeing other people, the entire script flipped. He started emotionally abusing me, talk about me behind my back, because I kissed a guy that I started seeing. I very clearly told him I don’t want to do anything with anymore. But when he used to get angry or upset, I would still give in because I just wasn’t ready to fight with him. What’s even surprising is, I used to go around telling him sorry because I didn’t want to pick anything wrong with him though I feel I have actually not wronged him. And I was feeling terrible in my life with no partner, with all the guilt, with all the things I have been keeping from my ex boyfriend who technically is still talking to me who is still trying to get back with me. But I still slept with this guy. Though I hated myself for it. I used to cry myself to sleep everytime I was alone. And this phase of stupidity lasted for 3months now I don’t talk to this guy anymore. And neither do I have the balls to confront him.
I couldn’t stay alive without telling everything that has happened with this friend to my ex bf. Because I realised there is no part of my body that has actually moved on. I decided I’ll come clean and then ask him if he can take me back. He has reacted extremely aggressively, obv understandable, thinks I have been sleeping with this friend through out, though I have not done anything for a year. The friend guy tried a hundred times to get physical with me. I should have drawn better boundaries but I never wanted to do anything and I didn’t.
I know I have done mistakes
I know how bad I feel for the lack of transparency
And I am now so suicidal. And the person who has been as absolute shit head is living the best life.
My ex bf hates me. He thinks I’m a horrible person. Invalidates everything I did. After I begged him to get back with me, he said he can just be physically involved with me because I don’t deserve to be a partner and I even accepted that just to be around him and keep him in my life. And he has blocked me after being physical with me twice. And now I feel I have been just used physically by everyone. I feel like I can’t move on. I have so much anger inside me. I can’t live anymore.
I feel like people like me should be dead