u/Muted_Reaction1770

Hey,

My boyfriend is in hospice and im scared that he may be dying. I’m having some really tough days. I just wanted to see if there are people who would like to talk and have the capacity to talk about hard, depressing topics and maybe be friends. I don’t believe in God and I think everything is meaningless.

I have been pretty lonely and down for a while. I don’t expect much, and I don’t want someone to talk to me just out of pity. I’m just curious if there are people who wouldn’t mind talking to me about this. These are difficult topics and I know from people around me that not everyone wants or has the capacity to talk about them.

Hanging out could be nice eventually, but I’m a little scared of losing the anonymity, so maybe just texting at first. Or maybe I can’t even do that. It would be nice if you didn’t expect much from me right now. I don’t really know what I’m looking for. I’m just struggling a bit and thought I’d reach out.

I am very panicked and struggle to write my own thoughts please excuse me. I might also miss some details so if you are curious just ask.

I met a guy last September. We hanged out once or twice. He had some symptoms, and ended up getting diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer metastazed into his liver.

We kept dating and fighting together. Chemo 1 stopped working after a while. 2 never worked. 3rd treatment, clinical trials and so on. Unfortunately last week a second doctor also suggested hospice.

On Friday he told me about the hospice. He was with his family and said he needed some time to process the news. I supported him, he usually feels overwhelmed next to family. Saturday we chatted normally. On the evening he messaged me “I am sorry _____, I am such a bad person”. In the morning I saw the message and asked him why he thought that and that he was not. He got angry at me and told me he needed some time. His last text to me was “I need some days for me. It is not meant bad. I am with my family and for now this is the best for me. I am sorry”. I said okay.

A week had passed, I am thinking of him and I am getting panicked every second. I texted him once saying no need to respond and that I am just thinking of him and would like to be there for him if he needed.

I am losing my mind. I keep checking his last seen. I am so worried if he will decline or something worse. I don’t have contact with anyone around him. We had limited time and language barrier with his friends. But I know their names. I texted 2 of his friends - telling that I was just worried, don’t want any private information I just want to know if he is okay. They did not respond. I don’t know what is happening. I don’t know how to cope with uncertainity. Will I never see him again? Is he scared right now? How is his health? I don’t want him to die. I need him to be in my life.

I know my needs are not so important right now. But I can’t comprehend. Where is he right now? Does he not want to talk to me? Why? Will we see each other again? Is he alive? Why is no one responding to me? Did I do something wrong?

I want to text him but I don’t want to disturb his peace. But how could this happen? Why am I in this situation right now? Does he think of me too? Is he feeling okay? Why did the friends not respond to me? What is going on? Will I know if something bad happens to him? Will I have a chance to say goodbye?

How will I survive this, please help me. I can’t cope really I am serious there are too many unknowns and I am totally out of his life just like that.

We have been together talking every day since the last 10 months. We shared a lot. He would always tell me that with me he would forget his sickness. That he would feel stronger. I am so scared thinking that he is scared. I know he is scared. I don’t want him to feel scared. I miss him, this is 1 week too long to not talk.