At a job interview:
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“I’m a perfectionist.”
“That’s more of a strength. Anything else?”
“I’m also incredibly annoying. And by the way, there’s a typo on your sign.”
Professor Snape demonstrated how to brew a potion and asked:
“If you didn’t understand, please stand up.”
Only Harry Potter stood up.
Snape looked at him and said,
“Are you the only idiot here?”
Harry replied,
“I just felt awkward seeing you standing there alone.”
“I heard the Europeans launched a new weather satellite. Weather forecasts should be much more accurate now.”
“That's good… but also bad.”
“How is that bad?”
“I like believing the weather will be better than they say.”
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack. While the doctors were fighting to save her life in the operating room, she found herself standing before God.
“Is this the end?” she asked.
God checked his records and said, “Not yet. You still have another 40 years, 3 days, and 8 hours.”
When she woke up after surgery, she decided that if she had another 40 years ahead of her, she might as well make the most of them. She had a complete makeover: a facelift, breast lift, liposuction, and a new hairstyle.
Finally, she was ready to leave the hospital, feeling like a brand-new woman.
She stepped outside—and was immediately hit and killed by an ambulance.
She found herself standing before God again.
“God! You said I had another 40 years!”
God looked at her, paused, and said:
“Oh… sorry. I didn't recognize you.”
My dietitian told me that if I don't give up fast food, I'll gain a lot of weight.
So could you guys recommend some good plus-size clothing stores?
Some people believe feng shui was invented by clever Chinese thieves who wanted to know the layout of a house before breaking in.
But that's not true.
Feng shui was actually invented by clever Chinese wives who wanted to make their husbands rearrange the furniture.
Peter the werewolf could never make a career in astronomy.
Whenever he looked at the moon through a telescope, he couldn't help but howl a little.
His bosses found it extremely annoying.
And then there was the whole eating people thing.
In a small Texas town, a wife asks her husband:
"When are you finally going to get a job?"
"As soon as I find something I actually enjoy doing."
She sighs.
"So... never. This town has plenty of cowboys, mechanics and oil workers...
...but somehow no openings for porn stars or sommeliers."