Separating with 7yo and 10yo
Created a throwaway account to try to remain anonymous.
The gist of it is this
I’ve (44m) have been a stay at home dad for our two boys, 7yo and 10yo, since they were born. I’ve literally only been apart from them 5-6 days ever, and 5 of those days were just 2 months ago.
Their mom came to me friday, 52 hours ago, and said, we need to talk.
She proceeded to tell me that things have not been good for years, and that she found someone else attractive and she was looking for my okay to pursue that. We could keep being roommates, which we basically have been doing for a few years now, and raise our kids. She wouldn’t bring her lover around and “I wouldn’t even have to tell you about when I was doing it, or talk about it.”
Needless to say, the last 52 hours have been brutal for me emotionally. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow and hopefully meeting with a lawyer this week at some point. We’re not married, but the house is in both our names.
For the past 10 years, while she was able to focus 100% on her career, which she gives me ZERO credit for, conveniently. Over doubling her salary, because when any opportunity came up who was the person in her corner saying, “Absolutely! Go for it. If I were you I’d take that opportunity.” It doesn’t matter if it means more hours, and international travel. I’ve got this under control.
All of those lonely days I spent doing all that you all know we do everyday just to keep a house functioning. Means nothing. How much did I get paid for those 10 years? Zero. How much went into my retirement. Zero.
I’m putting this out there for you just starting this path. Talk about pay, talk about retirement. And don’t be like me, continue to learn and develop marketable skills. I know you don’t think you have time, or the energy, but you must dig deep to find it.
Of course my situation is different. Our relationship died a long time ago, and I didn’t save it, or make her feel heard, seen, or loved. Her constant criticism’s about any and everything I did and how I did them slowly drained me of any desire to pursue her.
I should have gone back to work years ago so I could get myself back on my feet financially. We weren’t ever really partners if I’m honest. I was her free labor, and she was the one who paid the bills so I could “sit around and do nothing” and “live the life you couldn’t have any other way”, and disregarding the irony that she couldn’t have had the career trajectory and the family without her cheap labor at home.
I don’t know, I’m all over the place right now. The pain is so raw and real and brutal. I just hope someone can filter out the bitterness in my emotionally raw rant, and see that you should protect and advocate for yourself if you are starting down this path, or if you’re midway.
I know, for a 100% fact, the best use of the last 10 years of my life was raising these boys. I wish I would have done a lot of things differently. But I don’t regret the sacrifices I made, I only wish I would’ve thought more about my own future and protected myself, maybe started therapy sooner, and definitely went back to paid work two years ago. It’s just been so much easier for us all for me to do gig work when it worked with school.
It’s been the greatest honor of my life to help guide these wonderful creatures on the beginning of this journey called life. I’m still going to be here for them, possibly even more so, depending on how this shakes out, even if I see them less. Meaning, maybe spending less physical time with them will mean more quality time with them, without having to manage someone else’s particular ways.
Sorry for the novel and the brain dump. It’s been a hell of a weekend, and I have to be up for work in 4 hours.
I’ll end this with…
Knowing what I know now, even if I knew from the jump that it was going to turn out this exact way, would I do it all again? In a fucking heart beat, I wouldn’t have to think about it for a second.