u/NCsSon

Every time I turn around there’s another motherfucking 18-wheeler barreling directly toward me. Doesn’t matter if I’m trying to enjoy nature, stretch my arms out dramatically, or pose for a Reddit photo—there’s always another Freightliner auditioning for Final FUCKING Destination!

The real ecological disaster isn’t the development—it’s the fact that I just absolutely dookied my pants. The local wildlife is evacuating. The tree canopy can’t save me. Barton Springs can’t wash away this level of stank!

I’m not here to play traffic police. I just think we need an “Oh Shit Bill of Rights” guaranteeing every Austin resident at least five business days’ notice before an 80,000-pound diesel missile comes around the bend.

Photo taken approximately 0.4 seconds before I became intimately familiar with the meaning of “fight, flight, or violently shat myself.” Rest in peace to my underwear. It was nice while I had it.

Not sure where to post this, but I feel obligated to report what appears to be the opening scene of a low-budget Ron Jeremy crime documentary.
Across from me are three condemned houses that have recently become occupied. Since then we’ve had overdoses, thefts, and enough weird shit to keep a neighborhood Facebook group entertained for years.
Then one day, a mysterious car appeared.
No plates. No visible VIN. The alarm goes off every fucking time a door opens. It appears to be started with a screwdriver, a prayer, and possibly a blood or piss oath. The thing is packed so full of belongings that if it tips over it’ll qualify as affordable housing.
Now, I’m no detective, but based on years of looking out my window and watching crime shows, I’d estimate there’s about a 127% chance this car has a very interesting backstory.
If anyone recognizes it, maybe we can help reunite it with its rightful owner. There’s some serious bullshit going on!

What is your professional opinion on the geopolitical circumference of Uranus and the effects of climate change in the jungles of Poonani? Fuck…fuck piss crack ass spelunker dick fart fuckface.!

Somebody’s dad is about to show up and choke out a motherfucker!

Now I don’t give a fiddler’s damn if you’re Joe Shit the Ragman or Bobby Lodommer. If you don’t have the loyalty and ambition that these mother buckets have to make this the best damn vegan/free range/grass fed pasta bar (and wings on Wednesdays!!!) then there’s not a chance in hell you know what it takes to make a successful vegan/free range/grass fed pasta bar come together like this team of world champions can.