r/austincirclejerk

Fireworks are going off like Austin is trying to evict every dog, cat, veteran, and divorced man from the city limits, so naturally I sought refuge in the only place calm enough for spiritual recalibration: Yellow Rose.

And before anyone says, “It’s a strip club, why the fuck are you thinking about the understall experience?”

Because someone has to.

Austin didn’t become Austin by ignoring the weird little gaps where society falls apart.

We talk a big game about inclusivity until a man is hiding from fireworks in a gentlemen’s club bathroom while his cats are at home reenacting a prestige HBO war drama, and suddenly everyone wants to pretend restroom design isn’t political.
I’m not asking for luxury.

I’m asking why I can make accidental eye contact with a stranger’s boots while paying main-stage-adjacent drink prices.

If the main room gets mood lighting, emotional confusion, and an ATM that financially doms you, why does the stall feel like a city permit violation with hinges?

This isn’t anti-strip club.

This is pro-dignity. Pro-gap-awareness. Pro-Austin.
City Council needs to stop hiding behind “zoning,” “infrastructure,” and “actual problems” and finally address the understall equity crisis before another brave resident has to crouch spiritually beneath a partition and wonder if this town still has values.

Fucking Cowards.

After studying the demographics of who brings their dogs to HEB and cross checking with the animal shelter adoption records, me and my team of crack pyromaniacs have placed the loudest mortars we could smuggle in from out of the city limits around Austin at strategic locations where the maximum density of dog owners is and hooked them all up to automated fuses scheduled to go off between 4 and 5 am. This is just in a few hours. We also studied where the highest density of r/austin posters live who make comments about PTSD in veterans whenever the topic of fireworks comes up, despite never being in the military nor have any training in the field of mental health themselves. We have also placed our loud mortars near the highest density where those people live. I hope you all enjoy the noise!

Freedom? Right Wing Construct.

Fireworks? Anti Dog Agenda.

Beer? MAGA.

Hot Dogs? Gay Appropriation.

This day is basically 9/11 for intellectuals (9/11 also being Fascist), and should not be celebrated.

Join me at the Capitol (built on Stolen Land)

at 7pm tonight for a peace chant. Until everyone of European descent leaves this country, giving it back to its original Native and African inhabitants, this land will NEVER be free!

went to anti idiot American drag fest to not celebrate the forth- had to walk out ir felt like an American celebration

I am literally shaking right now. Last night I am at my favorite inclusive pub (APD Safe Place Decal 🏳️‍🌈 was prominently displayed). I was just trying to be an open-minded, cultured global citizen and watch a soccer game match, only to find out that the entire sport is completely compromised. The announcer casually mentioned that Team USA was relying on their "right-wingers" to drive the ball down the line, and I nearly dropped my Fernet-Branca. How is this allowed? Why are we letting extreme political factions control the outer edges of the pitch? I thought sports were supposed to be a neutral ground, but instead, they are openly broadcasting tactical maneuvers from the far right on national television.

It gets even worse because when I looked into it, nobody else is even blinking an eye! My "safe place" is now Hitler's Wolf's Lair cheering on these brownshirts running around out there, completely unchecked, pushing their MAGA agenda down the flank while the "left-wingers" are forced to just stand on the completely opposite side of the field, totally divided. No wonder my Grindr date stood me up. The blatant partisanship is sickening, and I refuse to subject my family to this kind of systematic indoctrination masked as "the beautiful game." I am one and done. FIFA can keep their radicalized field positions because I am officially boycotted and will never watch a single game again.

Why did no one warn me there would be fireworks? I have a big hole in my fence I haven't fixed for months and now my dog has escaped.

Has anyone seen him? He's a brown/grey mix. He looks like a pittie but he's not --- the folks at Austin Pets Alive assured me his not a pittie when I adopted him (or when he adopted me more like!)

He answers to Mr. Barkers (when he feels like it) and he is very friendly except for that time he bit my neighbor's child when it came through the hole in my fence (but that was not Mr. Barker's fault as the kid was clearly trespassing and Mr. Barkers is an authority on common property law).

His favorite activities include going to Zilker Park (off leash only), HEB (he loves riding in the cart and sometimes will help me by fetching produce off the shelf all by himself I'm so proud!), and Rainey Street (the girls love Mr. Barkers if you know what I mean ;-)))

No missing dog poster yet but I'll make one and post it as soon as I renew my chatgpt subscription.

Anyways if you see Mr Barkers please let me know or else in a week or so or I'll just make another trip out to APA and pick up a different dog that someone lost over the holiday weekend to replace him.

Thanks!

No pets allowed? Well that doesn't apply to me. I am the main character and my puppers are the most important thing in the world.

I'd like to know who is organizing a protest to stop the destruction of the historic P Perry's landmark that fills me with joy everytime I see it.

We can link arms and stop the bulldozers together! Unless you are autistic or sensitive to high stimulus environments, we can have a tent nearby where we will feel your aura.

Bring snacks (vegan options and nut allergy friendly ones 😛) and be on the right side of history!