My [28f] fiance's [31m] fetish is getting out of control, and it's ruining our wedding planning. (~10 Year Anniversary)
I am not the OOP
OOP is u/TroubledBrideHelp
Posted in: r/relationships
Original - September 23, 2016
Final Update - September 28, 2016
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Original post: September 23, 2016
My [28f] fiance's [31m] fetish is getting out of control, and it's ruining our wedding planning
I'm using a throwaway account because I'm humiliated about how this has been going.
I have been seeing a wonderful man for two years now. About six months ago he proposed to me, and since then I've been elated. We have eagerly been planning our wedding and things seem to be clicking between us. I said yes to my dress, invited about 75 guests, and our wedding is set for this December.
Here's where things get complicated. My fiance enjoys the idea of me being with other men. And yes, before you ask, he is bisexual. We have played out this fantasy consistently over the past couple of years, and I enjoy it as well... for the most part. Some of the time I don't know what he's thinking with his requests. About a year ago, he asked me to "steal" his credit card and take my other boyfriend to an expensive restaurant, treat him to dinner, and then have sex with him in a good hotel. I did all of this and sent pictures. It drove him wild.
Gradually the fetish began to involve turning him into a "sissy." He would be very submissive around me during sexual times, and ask that I talk about my experiences with other men, past and present. Again, I obliged.
So, again, I don't mind at all. I'm sexually open minded and if it makes him happy, then I'm happy too. But now it's getting completely out of control, and is starting to leak into our wedding planning. He seems to be more excited about using this as a chance to get his rocks off than actually start a life with me.
For instance, early on, he asked if my other boyfriend could walk me down the aisle. Since my father is dead, I was planning on my brother doing it, but he wants my boyfriend to do it instead. Many of our guests know about the nature of our relationship so he said it wouldn't be a big deal, but it was just too weird for me to even consider. I put my foot down and said no. He reluctantly gave up on the idea, although my other boyfriend will be attending (the three of us are also good friends, so it's natural for him to be there).
Later on he suggested that on our wedding night, my boyfriend be the first person to have sex with me when married. He would be in the room, which is not usual but has happened before, and then cuddle up next to me when we were finished. I agreed to this because whatever, I want him to enjoy our wedding night too.
Today was too much. Our venue has a special service (I think it's special at least?) where during the ceremony and beginning of the reception, they will take a video, and then at the end of the reception show it on a big screen matched to music. We have a certain deal of freedom over how they'll arrange the end product, and while it's expensive, we both agreed that it would be a nice touch. At the very end of the credits though, when brainstorming a last goodbye comment, he suddenly suggested that the video end with something like "Now get to your hotel room and prep the bull you sissy."
I feel sick to my stomach. Has his fetish grown so out of control that he wants me to humiliate him in front of all of our friends and family for sexual gratification? He's never been this way, and I love him as much as ever before, but I need to put a stop to this soon and I don't even know how. He gets so excited when ideas like these come up and has gotten angry at me for saying "no" to his other wedding planning ideas too much.
tl;dr: Fiance and I are into hotwifing/roleplaying/sissy fantasizing, he wants to involve this in the wedding, what do I do?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
km89
>Yeah, that's way too far. At this point, he's ignoring your desires. I'm sure sex with some other guy isn't your idea of a great wedding night. There's also the idea that you absolutely should not involve others in your kink, which is exactly what humiliating himself (or, by extension, having you humiliate him) in front of others is. This is probably going to be very difficult, because he obviously doesn't see a problem with it. Feelings are going to get hurt--yours and his. But I urge you to take care of this before the wedding. And that means getting yourself into therapy, because you're going to need an outlet. And more importantly, it means getting him into therapy, which is probably going to be the most difficult part. Of course, communication is key. Before doing any of that, you need to tell him that you're worried that this is consuming his lifestyle and that you're uncomfortable with how far he's pushing it.
OOP
>I can't pretend to understand everything about his kink. The examples I've given are extreme, but not extraordinarily so. It's very difficult to get him to be receptive about these kinds of talks. He's actually incredibly insecure about himself and I think likes to publicize his fetish to compensate for that. What kind of therapist would handle our issue? Couples therapy? It doesn't seem to be a standard problem...
Shaquintosh
>Most sex-positive couples therapists will have heard weirder than this. Just ask when you're making the appointment, or early in the first session. Those who are uncomfortable with it or who don't know how to proceed will make themselves known pretty soon.
Jado234
>If every moment for him is an opportunity to be sexually gratified, where does being a stable, supportive, and involved partner come in? At this point do you even feel as though you are an integral part of this? Because it seems he could replace you with any other willing participant and not feel any differently.
OOP
>I'm only listing the worst about him. 95% of the time we are a happier than average couple. 5% of the time is kink stuff.
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Update post: September 28, 2016 (5 days later)
[Update] My [28f] fiance's [31m] fetish is growing out of control. We talked it through, and made some decisions.
I posted this thread a few days ago: (link to previous post)
Since then a lot of people have private messaged me with good advice. Some people have insulted my fiance. A couple tried to get themselves involved in my sex life by asking if they could be a bull (what the fuck?). I took the advice to heart and had a talk with my fiance.
Here's what happened:
The hotwifing/cuckold fetish stuff continued on as I expected. He continuously kept pushing new ideas about how I can humiliate him at our wedding. First he asked if we could get married with my boyfriend's semen inside of me, and I said no. Somewhere between his suggestion that my vows to him involve talking about how useless and pathetic of a man he is, and his other suggestion about me wearing an "I <3 BBC" anklet (he goes crazy when I talk about my black exes although I'm not sure how I feel about him fetishizing a race), I interrupted him and told him it wasn't working for me. I basically poured out all of my feelings about how his attitude is ruining my wedding.
After a lot of talking, some yelling, and an unhealthy dose of self-deprecation from him, we've come to an understanding that I want to please him, but don't want to make it public. So, where possible, we're working in a few things that he wants to do, but they're very small and limited. It makes him so happy when I agree to an idea so I can't help doing something. Instead of writing "prep the bull" at the end of our highlight video, we're going to write berth ell pup, which is an anagram of it. If asked we'll just say it means "I love you" in Old Norse. I won't wear a visible anklet, but I'll wear panties with a similar message on them (with another white pair on top). As for having sex with my boyfriend before the wedding in the makeup room, I told him that definitely crosses the line and the answer will still be no.
We have started couples counseling with a therapist who is qualified as a sex therapist as well. We all acknowledged that my fiance has a serious problem, although the therapist said that indulging in his desires from time to time is not terribly harmful in this sort of case. She gave us indispensable advice about instead of focusing on what I refuse to do, focus on a line of what we can do, making clear rules. He should respect those rules by not even suggesting something which bends them. My rules are if it's safe, painless, and private, I'll happily consider it.
Things are going better now although there was one hiccup of him getting turned on during the therapist's meeting and later admitting in private that he was playing with himself in the bathroom (apparently when the two of us were discussing how he was being selfish it set him off?). I was too confused to know what to say, but shaming him for having sexual desires doesn't seem right either. I don't know if I want to bring this up in our next session.
tl;dr: Drew some lines with my fiance, and things are going better! We're in therapy now. Thank you for your great advice.
RELEVANT COMMENTS:
MorgaineDax
>Can't wait til someone Googles that on their phone at the reception and gets led here.
OOP
>Oh my god you're right. >I told him this ten minutes ago. He knows that I reddit (he's a redditor too), and when I brought this up in the first place I told him that I asked reddit for advice and showed him the original thread. It's the main reason why we ended up going to therapy in the first place. He was actually the one who suggested that I update you all on the situation.
>After I told him that someone could just Google berth ell pup and find the phrase in this thread, he looked me in the eye and said "That's so fucking hot."
>When he goes to work I'm leaving. He'll find this post eventually but I don't care. I need a few days to cool off and reconsider my options. He's ill. He needs serious help and I think I'm going to call his brother to tell him (without specifics). I texted my aunt already and she'll be here to pick me up with a moment's notice.
dvareadyforcombat
>Wow I am shocked that you're still going through with the wedding to be honest
the-mortyest-morty
>I'm sorry, but this is going past a fetish. It's obsession, it's messing with his real life, and it's not healthy.
stonetoes
>OP, as someone else pointed out, please google "berth ell pup". Literally the only result I get is this thread, so people will definitely find out.
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