Custodial parent negletcing and emotionally abusing my stepchildren
A little backgroud:
My husband has three children (17m, 14f, and 11f) with his ex wife. She is the custodial parent and my husband is granted 6 weeks of visitation in the summer and every other Christmas and spring break. We only get them for the summer visits because the mother refuses to work with us on transportation. She won't allow them to fly, even accompanied by their father and the drive is very taxing for them for such short visits. The children and their mother live in Michigan and we live in Missouri (hence the visitation situation). She has always treated our son as less than the girls, and the youngest was clearly the favorite, held above both her siblings and spoiled (this information will be very important later). There have been red flags in the past, but nothing we could get concrete evidence on being so far away.
The oldest told on on phone calls that his principal pulled him into the office because of all the tardies and truancies. He recieved detention and was warned of harsher punishments should it continue. He told us that his mother doesn't take any responsibility for getting them up and ready for school and that he is responsible for waking everyone and getting them going, including the mother. She stays up all night and allows the girls to do the same. He can't drive yet so if the mother refuses to get up they just don't go to school and they are frequently late because of this morning "routine".
He says they're not allowed to have friends over because the house is so messy all the time.
They are not eating consistently. He claims that it's partly because the dishes stack up in the sink. Apparently she created some kind of chore rotation for dishes, but never cleans them on her night and then gets angry with the children because they didn't do them instead. Another part of them not eating consistently is she almost never cooks because she claims she is tired. So they either have to fend for themselves or, if she wants it herself, she will buy fast food.
She is verbally abusive to all of them. We have personally heard her screaming, belittling and name calling them when we have been on the phone. According to our son, it happens almost daily.
Our son has SPD and many trauma/emotional issues. He has repeatedly asked her to set him up with a therapist because he wants to talk to someone and hopefully feel better. The mother told him he does not need it, that she doesn't believe in therapy, and that mental health issues are ridiculous and unserious.
Now, onto the issue that has lead me here to seek advice:
We just got the oldest and youngest for the summer. The middle child did not want to come on this visit (she told her dad its because she has cheer camp this summer). The two that are here arrived three days ago and the red flags are much worse now.
Our son has said she refuses to take them to the doctor. None of them have had a checkup in years, apparently, and every time one of them feels sick or has a physical issue, she refuses to take them, even when they request it.
Our son has lost some weight since last summer. And our youngest daughter has not grown at all and possibly also lost some weight. She still fits into her clothes from last summer, but they seem a little big now. Leading us to believe what he's telling us about not eating consistently.
The worst of all is the change in our youngest daughter... She is quiet, withdrawn, doesn't want to be around people at all. And she now has self harm scars. MANY self harm scars. According to our son, after last summer, the youngest expressed a desire to spend more time with her father and, just like that, she went from being the mother's favorite, to being "scum like her brother" (a quote our son overheard the mother tell her own mother over the phone). Our middle daughter has replace her as the favorite because she says things like "I don't like dad" to her mother, most likely because she fears how her mother will react if she says differently. We strongly suspect she chose to stay in michigan this summer out of fear of retaliation from her mother for having a good time with her father. Our youngest daughter also began being relentlessly bullied at school and the mother has taken no action or even attempted to make the school aware of it. She started cutting when all of this happened and her mother screamed at her, told her she better knock it off or she'd have her committed to a "terrible place where they'll keep her locked in a room forever because that's crazy shit". She has not sought out any help from a psychiatrist or doctor of any sort. She just threatens and belittles her every time it happens.
We are afraid for our children, but don't know how to proceed. Do we open a case with cps in our state? In their state? We're afraid to even start this for fear of cps doing nothing and the mother retaliating against the oldest, youngest, and my husband. He parents have a lot of money and they could potentially fund a fight for my husband to lose what little visitation he has. We are terrified to do this the wrong way and what may happen to our daughter if she goes back (suicidal tendencies run strong in my husband's family). We also have no idea what current physical/mental state our middle daughter is in and we're afraid what may happen to her during an investigation because she's not here with us where she would be safe. We are also somewhat afraid that she will lie to the investigators for fear of retaliation from the mother. We only have a few weeks to decide if the right choice is to start this fight while they're safe with us.