u/NeNeMama26

I’m that one kid who yapped about the sandalwood face mask

so anyway my mom wants me to wear shorts. I always would wear shorts in the summer because I run hot. When we went to India we bought some long pajama pants (that aren’t fluffy by the way) and I also had spent 90% of summer wearing leggings and long pants and stuff. Mom noticed this and told me not to wear longer clothes. She ostracized me on wearing a longer dress during 8th grade graduation (because that’s something my school does, lmk if yours does too) compared to other girls wearing shorter dresses. it makes me feel fat and it makes me look bad. it shows my hairy legs and i dont like my fat legs the longer dress i felt so much better in. Even my teacher liked my fit, she complimented me when she hadn’t for most of the other girls. She knows I’m different now. I told her I just want to keep the pants on when she told me to change into shorts and she told me she’ll never let me wear longer pants again until winter. I kept yelling - while she stayed composed, I yelled because I can’t stay composed and the yelling’s what made me cry and I kept telling her I don’t want to and kept asking her why she cares this much and kept telling her this is control and other things and her only defense against all of it was “I don’t want you to wear long pants. I don’t want you to grow up like an old woman. You’re a child!” I am 14. I can think for myself. When she threatened to throw them out, I said she could and went downstairs to change and yeah. i hate how this looks When I came back up, I tried maintaining distance but she got to me anyway. She hugged me and told me to never cover up my beautiful body and that she loved me. She told me this so many times. and I can’t ever admit that the only reason i hide is because of the damn body because i hate when she’s right I get that you care about me and genuinely loved me and don’t want me to “retrieve into my shell” but I just think this is the wrong way to show it. I don’t know what to do. Wearing long pants isn’t just about the insecurity anymore. I feel safe and comfortable in longer pants. When I wear shorts, women’s and girls’ shorts (despite us being minors) in general are usually way too small to function properly so whenever I walk they literally just become underwear because those damn thighs i have never once seen a woman or girl in my life whose had this same problem and even when i sit they become underwear and i hate wearing that in school besides not a single dark haired girl in school has hair on their body and they so tight holy but then again this whole thing was about pajama pants, not outside pants. Pajama shorts are ok. But still. I don’t know what to do. I know you care about me and want me to see my “true beauty” or whatever but the thing I want most is to be able to look at myself in the mirror, not for others to be able to look at me, something I realized in the shower a few months back as a particularly deep “shower thought.” I don’t know how you’d help with that mom but rn it’s not doing much. Sorry guys I needed to vent but yup

I’m 14F, living in America in a desi household, currently not diagnosed with anything but I still don’t feel quite normal compared to society. My parents don’t hit me, but mom yells at me a lot, but maybe I deserve it. I am freer in the household than most Indian kids I know, yet (apparently) not as smart as them, and I can never forget that (it’s always just “5 other Indian girls…” like stfu mom). Please let me know if I’m overreacting or if my feelings are valid.

So this evening, I have just come back from taekwondo and took a shower. I have a very small cold (nose is slimy) but for whatever reason my body feels tender. My period is not coming in the very near future. Mom wants me to apply a sandalwood facial mask on my face. I said no.

Mom started telling me “it’ll be good for your skin” and “you should be wanting it, I shouldn’t be forcing you.” I kept saying no. Mom yelled at me. I told her it’d do nothing for my skin, she wants to put it on anyway.

Usually whenever I don’t want to do something, apparently I have to think about the rest of my family (which is why if I refuse to do anything my mom really wants to do, I immediately get reminded of the amount of times I have gotten Starbucks or dunkin, and the fact that I have a costly piano but don’t really wanna play it, and that I spend a lot of time on my phone doing bs (and I can confirm it’s just bs that I do)). So I kept yelling “How is this affecting YOU?” Mom was like “‘How is this affecting me?’ YOU SHPULD LISTEN TO ME!” or smth. I yelled “WHAT KIND KF TWISTED CONTROL IS THIS?” Mom yelled “Go tie your hair. I will put it on.” I kept yelling “I don’t want to!” Mom was like “I DONT CARE! I WILL BE PUTTING IT ON YOU ANYWAY!” After a lot of this I finally went down to my room to change (“my room” being the guest room because it’s a lot cooler down there (and I just run hotter) and there is so much space and there’s a king bed. Another example of how my family sacrifice for me even though I apparently don’t care about them (which sometimes I truly don’t - and yes, that is a disgusting trait)).

I had started sobbing when I had gotten into my room. Not the small sniffles and the tears I usually cry right before my period for whatever reason, but quiet sobs. I hated crying. I was the older sister in my family, with the youngest being my 8 year old brother, and I had hoped the evidence of my crying couldn’t be seen when I got upstairs again. The whole time I could hear mom’s voice yelling bad shit about me (I didn’t want to tune in at that point, I was too tired of it) and sobbed a little more before changing into expendable clothes and getting the sandalwood pack on me.

When I went upstairs, mom was being loving to me again, making me laugh even though I didn’t want to. When I had cried, she teased me about it. My brother stared. And I am weak - I should not be crying about this. Case in point, I had gotten the facemask on and off without any real problems.

Why is this an issue? Because when I came back from India a few months ago (I went for a trip to visit family), I had had a bunch of lotions and perfumes and shit. Mom had come down one day and told me I should move it away from the table next to the bed and onto the dresser, where a mirror was. I said no, profusely yelled it, and mom had called me impossible and crazy, even though she was yelling too. When she left, threatening to move me back upstairs to my smaller room (my real room), I had sobbed before getting a desperate urge to s/h or rid the world of myself (I couldn’t do either, I don’t got no resources). Now many times things like this happen to me I get that urge again, only to never be able to complete it and then calling myself a weak bitch because all I do is cry and never woman up. The next day I had asked again, and the same thing happened until mom lent. A few days later, it was already becoming a subject of mom’s “sacrifices.” for me.

I won’t call this trauma. There are many parents who hit their kids, truly verbally abuse them for no reason, and do other unmentionable things to their children. I am not growing up in that kind of family - I am privileged. I just wanted to vent. One thing though - if you think I was bitchy for yelling “no” to something so little, then think about it: why couldn’t mom had stopped yelling at me for something just that little?

Thank you for reading this. I am not asking for help because I don’t need it. I don’t want pity and I don’t want white lies telling me it’s “not my fault” and/or “your mom is the bad one here.” If I don’t deserve to be supported, then don’t support me at all (just be kind about it if you don’t). If you do support me, then thank you. If you don’t care either way, you don’t have to comment or upvote at all. This is only on this sub because I am not sure where else to put it where there aren’t entitled toxicly masculine teen boys on it as well.

Thank you again for hearing me out. I’ve only vented once before in r/hetalia a while back and it wasn’t that deep of a topic, and I am not very good at expressing emotions anyway, so yeah. Thank you.

By the way I am currently just peachy (in all seriousness, I am. Sadness hits hard but usually stays with me almost never)

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