Needing advice…
Hi everyone,
I just finished the Empowered Wife book. I have a few questions…
Context: My husband and I have been married for about 2 1/2 years. And for the past year and a half we have been arguing more and more frequently. I have felt alone in my marriage and the passion that was there when we were dating and engaged has continuously decreased. We’ve already had 2 two month stretches of no sexual intimacy this year. We are currently halfway through the third.
Feeling unwanted and undesired has been the most difficult part of my marriage. I have tried to communicate to him in every way I can think of, just how I hurt I am, how much I would like us to have regular sexual intimacy, etc. Nothing has gotten through to him.
Almost a month ago my husband and I had the lowest point in our marriage. We’re having some financial struggles. He is very stressed about them. That’s the only thing on his mind. So we’re both very stressed about two different things and neither of us is getting what we need. And about a month ago, we were having this conversation and he just looks at me dead in the eye and he says he doesn’t see a future with me. He doesn’t think he can be the man that I need.
I spent about a week thinking that we were getting divorced and feeling very distraught about that. Things are distant with him and not as warm as they used to be. I have asked him about the change in how he treats me recently - he says that he just feels broken. (Part of the fights is that he will get so upset that he will start to hit himself. It’s gotten to a point where he realizes that it is not good. And he doesn’t want to do that anymore.)
Fast-forward to last week, he was in a workplace incident. He broke four of his teeth. He called me in the morning to tell me what happened. I got dressed. I immediately went to see him. I spent the whole day driving him to different dentist offices. I didn’t want him to have to go through it alone. (I had some dental work done last year. I was thinking how I would want to have him there for me. So I wanted to be as supportive as I could.)
Things I have tried so far:
-I apologized for being disrespectful for something that I said. But his immediate response was that “that’s not the only time.” so he wouldn’t even accept it.
-I have thanked him for at least one thing every day, but I try to make it three things.
-I’ve been using the phrase “I would love”
He will acknowledge it positively, but then nothing happens. I don’t get the thing that I would love, even if it’s small and within his power to get it in that moment.
-I was vulnerable this weekend and I said that I needed help with yard work.
he didn’t do it immediately, but he did it that afternoon so I made sure to thank him for doing it.
-I have tried to compliment him. But every time I compliment him he believes it’s an insult. Or he will spin it negatively and start talking down to himself. It’s exhausting for me to feel like I have to fight against his own mindset to give him a compliment. He refuses to feel good about himself.
My questions are:
-does anyone here have a positive story of regaining sexual intimacy with their husband or partner after long periods of not having anything?
-Has anyone used a spouse fulfilling prophecy to increase their intimacy with their partner?
-should I have let my husband drive himself to the different dentist offices? Was stepping up in a tragic moment overstepping/controlling on my part?
-is it common to have to say “I would love” multiple times before it is honored?
-Any advice on having a husband with a very negative outlook on life? It wasn’t always this way. But it has been like this for a while now.