r/surrendered_wife

I am absolutely in love with the book The Empowered Wife and have been for a long time. It’s helped all my relationships including my relationship with God. Because of this, I’ve shared it with multiple women and the ones who have read it find it amazing too.

But the more women I meet in troubled marriages, the more I feel a great need for an actual meetup for women that doesn’t have a huge commitment attached to it but that it’s a safe circle for women to discuss their take on the skills. A friend of mine ended up getting coaching and found it extremely helpful but ended up falling off the skills with the stress of family life and also longs for more continual support.

I would love to become a coach but I don’t feel the desire to make money from it so I can’t justify the cost. I just want to be able to effectively help other women who need support.

Has anyone started their own circle? If so, what does it look like? What do you do each time?

I’ve been married 4 years and we have an almost one year old. It’s definitely been the hardest year of our marriage I can’t afford a coach right now but I listen to the podcast daily and I still have so many questions daily about using the skills when you are in complete survival mode with a kid. I’ll pick one topic for now.

Short version - The other day my husband told me he has been feeling resentment toward me about how much he has to tidy the house and kitchen.
He was vulnerably bringing it up but only after he snapped and told me he was fed up of cleaning up after me and I said ouch and ran upstairs to regulate because I was so sad. He normally doesn’t say much because he feels dutiful but this night I provoked him to say why he was being icy and that is why he snapped. I did apologise for provoking later. I know I should let him be even when he is icy but it’s so painful to feel so unseen.

More context -

My husband has adhd and struggles with staying up late at night - lying in in the morning, starting work late and finishing late. (Works from home with flexible hours) so I am doing most of the childcare as well as cosleeping with baby overnight just so I can get some sleep. My husband is a good Dad and loves our son. And he is also a very tidy person so he cleans up the kitchen every night and tidies away the mess our little guy makes of the living room.
I have always affirmed him on this and i thank him every night. I do think he has slight ocd tendencies as well - or at least is very particular.
But sometimes I can see how irritated he is at the mess. He makes it really obvious he is annoyed by going icy and sharp toned and then slamming the door of his computer room without saying goodnight. So I don’t even get to say ouch. (Or at least I don’t know how to in this situation)

Even before we had our child I was stressing and decluttering and trying to create systems to avoid him being triggered all the time.
While I do sometimes struggle with the classic mom shame of feeling like I should be better at housekeeping and I also know in my heart I am doing so well - I do all the laundry, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, grocery shopping and food prep and 95% of the childcare plus I do a few hours a week of work.

I told my husband I can’t do more. But he struggles to accept this. He seems to think he is doing all the kitchen cleaning but doesn’t seem to realise I am doing little bits as best I can all day. I have said if he wants me to do more tidying than I am I need more rest and more child free time to do it because I am burnt out and also when I’m with our son there is only so much I can do as he always want to be on my hip.

I’ve felt so unloved by him this year and it’s breaking my heart. It’s not always terrible. There are days we at least feel like happy roomates. Sometimes i really doubt I chose well in marriage. The way friends talk to me too it’s like they think he’s not treating me well but don’t want to say it. I want to at least know I did all I could to make it work without becoming a doormat.

I appreciate any help!

I am in the process of divorcing after discovering multiple affairs and secret babies.

I found the Surrendered Wife and Empowered Wife books early in my marriage and put the skills to work. I love the teachings and completely believe in them. I even bought the book for other women as gifts!

No amount of intimacy skills are going to solve a problem that occurs outside the relationship and then spills over into the marriage. Towards the end, my ex was trying to train me into performing a fake marriage with him. He wanted to play in my face and me not say anything. He wanted me to fund his secret life. He wanted me to be a brainwashed cult follower instead of a help-mate.

I refused and had to love him out the door.

The intimacy skills definitely made the most of whatever the marriage was destined to be. It definitely made me a happier and better wife. But the skills can't overcome a husband who thinks he's entitled to actively undermine the marriage in the most devastating way possible.

It's my prayer that I will one day have a wonderful husband and a beautiful marriage with a healthy man. A man that I can use the skills on and they work for a lifetime.

❤️🙏🏽

Hi, I’m new here.

I just started reading Laura Doyle and it honestly feels like it found me at the exact right time. I was already coming into a softer season, but the book is putting words to a lot of what I’ve been feeling.

I recently lost a job I really loved, and my husband really held me through that vulnerable experience. Something about that opened my heart toward him in a new way. I’m realizing how much I want to soften, receive, trust, and let go of control, not in a way that erases me, but in a way that actually feels more free.

I’d love to hear from other women who are practicing this in a healthy, grounded way. Are there any other places or communities where women discuss these ideas outside of the paid platform?

I can’t afford the official program. Also, I have a unique idea I want to try out. Is anybody here offering counseling, coaching sessions, etc.? Actually, even just anyone that is into the Laura Doyle stuff and would be willing to talk over a voice call so we could share ideas or encourage each other would be great.

I have been practicing the skills for 5 months now… and husband is getting further away emotionally. he filed for divorce months ago… and today we have mediation to go through finances.

I have no idea what to do.. he is continuing wi the the divorce and I don’t see him ever coming back to me.

edit: we had mediation today and he stated he will stay on this property for 6 months then move out and come back when it’s his time with the kids. I am petrified he will find someone else. That will really break me. I want more than anything to save my marriage… but he is already so checked out. He told me today “he had no emotions” in relation to the situation. He is completely dead inside And blowing up both of our lives and our kids lives in the process.

I’m a bit frustrated bc of the names my H calls me when he gets upset/drunk. This time started bc I’ve been on a long and arduous health journey. I’ve lost 45lbs so far but have stalled out so based on my personal trainer I’ve been increasing my fiber which means increasing my water. We were chilling on Friday. This was after I’ve done CrossFit (my selfcare), cooked dinner (also selfcare), read, and got my Friday greens n ginger from Jamba (also selfcare). So I was only tired. We were both gaming and I knew it was getting late so I got up to get water for my hydroflask and set it in front of me while gaming bc I know I’ll keep drinking it if I do. He comes over to take a sip and then starts walking away with it. Immediately without thinking I say, “are you really going to take the water flask?” And then he goes off calling me many names and selfish. I just say ouch, that hurts and he’s like you’re only hurt bc I’m hurt. And I’m like ouch that’s really hurtful and walk away and he just says yeah get out of here. Later on that night he fell asleep on the couch. He usually likes it when I wake him up to ask him to come to bed bc he doesn’t want to stay on the couch and even if we argue I still love sleeping together. But he rejected coming upstairs with me and I said whatever you think. And then yesterday I spent time away from him in between gaming, napping, and watching movies by myself. This has been a reoccurrence so I moved into the second room and slept there. He started getting softer throughout the day, never acknowledged my pain and then cleaned up the kitchen which I said thank you to. I got us dinner and then went to bed early with snuggles from our dog. Today I met him warmly and then I went on a hike, read, and wrote. He tried to kiss me and I pulled away and he’s like what you’re still upset and I just opened the flood gates. Which I know I shouldn’t have but I’m having such a hard time healing my own hurt. How does anyone else heal their hurt through their self-care? Do you just let it go or how do you bring it up and talk to them

a while ago I posted in here frustrated about the cleanliness of my house. I took the advice of someone and bought a robot vacuum moper with auto deck option for 230$.

ladies I just can’t explain how happy this has made me. I injured my back and couldn’t vacuum my house and was getting lots of sinus issues and two colds in the past 2 months.

this thing has just made me sooooo happy and easier for me to care for myself. I’ve realized that this is nothing to do with other people’s expectations about cleanliness but the actual fact that I love a clean space. it took me months to make this decision and after many ”I love clean floors”, “clean spaces make me happy”, etc…. and this just being something my husband wasn’t willing to do for me. this thing has just ticked so many boxes for me.

all of this to say that I thought I wasn’t worth spending that much money on myself and happiness, I thought oh come on it doesn’t take that long to vacuum and clean, and so many more reasons not to do it

but I did it. I’m addicted to it haha I would like to run it every day. I can walk barefoot in my space workout stuff sticking to my feet or feeling grose in my own space

something I learned about myself is that having this makes it so much easier to look after the rest and it is something that makes me happy

so anyways! If you are on the fence about trying something that will save you time, effort, money and allow more time to do fun things for yourself i would say go for it and try it :) get a cleaner once and see if you like and how much it helps, borrow a friends robot vacuum and tests it see how you feel about it or just take the plunge and buy it. Your future self will thank you ❤️

We know that “trusting” your H is one of the ultimate ways to show him respect. I know my H has told me multiple times, things like “just TRUST me” or “you don’t trust me” …

How do you “trust” your H? I am getting confused with trusting him; when I don’t necessarily believe in the way he is doing something or a lifestyle choice he is making.

Examples -

Last night he tells my 11-year-old daughter to go outside and walk the dog… She starts looking for the dogs leash… The dog is a puppy and he’s a big dog and so she wanted to make sure he was on a leash. H said no no no… You do not take him on a leash… He will be fine. He will walk right beside you. She was nervous about this, but eventually she did what he said. She comes back completely flustered because the dog went off, running after another dog, and it was kind of a disaster.

Also, I don’t agree with some of my husband’s lifestyle choices… he drinks daily and smokes pot occasionally. Although I do drink wine as well, I do not do drugs. (He’s high functioning and is successful in other areas of life)

How do I accept these things, while also trusting his every decision for our kids and family, when he’s not always fully coherent ? (Lots of drinking when the dog leash situation happened)

I’ve read a brief summary of the book, and I definitely think it may help reduce conflict in my marriage. but will it help to do that and help me find my voice?

my husband is a Christian and has always been, but when we got married he wouldn’t know what to do in disagreements and would always concede. I would explain that I didn’t want him to just give me what I wanted, I wanted to have a real discussion about it so we can come to a conclusion together, even if that means I concede. in other words, I want us both to have real input and for my words to have real weight, but I’m okay if everuthing doesn’t go my way. however, he would accuse me of never being happy unless things going my way, all because I wanted a back and forth discussion. when he accuses me of this, things would escalate, my emotions would rise, i would say unkind things or yell out of feeling powerless. I know this is wrong, but has happened over and over again.

5 years into the marriage, he much to my suprise was contemplating leaving me because he was deeply unhappy. he felt I wasn’t contributing to the marriage because of how messy our house was all the time (i had a 3 yr old and chronic illness that makes me chronically tired). he felt that he couldnt “win” and that i wasn’t contributing selfish as every disagreement i would just nag until i got my way (that’s the way he sees it. i dont see it this way, I have always just wanted to discuss disagreements, and he has never once attempted to do so, getting defensive almost immediately and accusing me of needing to win and wanting to be in charge).

So I listened, I heard him. I got off my ass and spent all day cleaning our home, ignoring my toddler’s requests to play. my house has never been perfectly clean, but I make real attempts to show him that I’m trying. he appreciated that effort and told me it was the first time he felt like I really cared and wanted to be an asset to him. i also stopped nagging him over little things that I used to (imperfectly, but drastically reduced). and unless it was something very important to me, I tried to look past issues I saw. our sex life improved a little bit, but still was infrequent, but I did feel slightly more open to it.

after this, he felt like he had the secret to a successful marriage which is that the woman needs to let the man lead and then all will be well. this wasn’t my takeaway. my takeaway was that he was feeling criticized and taking advantage of, and once I pulled more of my weight and stopped nagging him, things improved.

fast forward a couple of years. the main arguments we are having is over disciplining our child. he wants to spank often, Id like him to drastically reduce the frequency and save it for major offenses (this is a compromise as I would have preferred to not use spanking at all). I tried expressing this and he wouldn’t listen. my anxiety was extremely high watching something happen to my son every day that i believed was unfair and harmful to his psych. I would express my disapproval when he would do it. sometimes I would physically block him from spanking. my husband told me i needed to not undermine him and speak to him another time.

so I would let it happen. I knew that the fighting was only making the discipline even more confusing for my child. so for months I would not say a word even though it hurt me deeply. I would bring it up calmly separately, but I never felt truly heard. he would say “okay, I will consider that” and essentially the conversation was over and he would continue doing exactly what he was. I would bring it up again, same thing. I explained to him that I would like to have a conversation about it, if I said more than 30 seconds worth of thoughts, he would state that he was in charge of discipline as the father, and accuse me of trying to be in charge etc. accuse me of being feminist because I wanted to have a say and make decisions together or wanted him to compromise. he stated he didn’t believe in compromise. after I said I couldn’t do this any longer, he stated that though he doesn’t like the word “compromise” he could try to do that sometimes.

I also found out during this period that he had been listening to something akin to red pill, masculinity content, but a christian version where they speak kindly of women, but also believe they are to submit to their husband in all things as the bible says (versus complementarimonism where the couple works together in decisions but the husvand has the tie breaker vote essentially).

luckily, eventually he came to my conclusion about spanking more rarely on his own which reduced my anxiety a lot. he also confessed his porn addiction to me around this time which humbled him in our relationship for a while and he also stopped using porn for a couple of months. we had the relationship of my dreams. we were in love, maybe more than on our wedding day. obsessed with each other. sex life better than ever.

that lasted a few months, but eventually he became more emotionally distant again. started watching porn regularly again. stopped going out of his way to date me. and eventually stopped being able to listen to my voice in arguments. once again our arguments have begun to escalate. even over small things, if I express disagreement over a decision of his, he acts like I am trying to rule over him. I will calmly tell him that I just want to discuss it, but even me discussing it is a sign of disrespect to his leadership. essentially the way he wants it to work is him: make decision, me most of the time: “yes sir”, on occasion if truly neccesary I can calmly and delicately come to him and say “hey, I just had a thought about x, have you considered y“ no more than one sentence. then he will make a decision (most likely the exact same decision he made before), and at that point i should not question any further but rather should say “yes sir“. these are disagreements about things that involve me and my children directly.

anyway, i am certainly anxiously attached. wait around for him like a little puppy dog. often have molded myself to be more agreeable to him. but I cannot walk on egg shells any longer. will the tips from the book help me? if I detach and become more attractive physically and emotionally will he be able to HEAR me? truly listen? value my insights?

if you read all of this, thank you so much.

Hello All,

Days leading up to and then the first two days of my period are often difficult. I don't believe I'm experiencing anything out of the norm other than the usual shift in hormones and physical/mental/emotional effects.

However, particularly the few days before and first two days, I start to fee like like I actually HATE my husband. He is acting totally normal and to be frank, we have a typically great relationship aside from the usually misunderstandings and frustrations and such on both sides.

I've been vulnerable, expressed how hard this time is for me and he is very supportive and even tracks my cycle with me and when it is coming up, is helpfully and kindly reminding me to take midol, baths, take it easy, have some tea, etc. As supportive as this is, it's not really stopping the feelings. To me, my reactivity during that time of my cycle is definitely On My Page, though I am grateful he tried to be so supportive.

But for real, this morning he was just talking about what he has to do to day, totally neutral, just list of the tasks he plans to get done and they are all beneficial to me and the family but I swear, I wanted to scream at him to shut up and go die....I didn't. But just inside I was screaming and wanting him to just STFU and go away forever. At least in that moment how I felt.

I'm reaching out to see if any of you ladies have experienced similar and maybe can offer perspective on how to utilize the skills or maybe just approach it differently or just a mindset shift.

I'm not opposed to medication, but so far the things I've tried for this specific thing (birth control pills, antidepressants) have worse side effects than being highly annoyed by everything for 5 days a month.

As I write this, maybe it's just a RC thing. Maybe I am doing as much as I can and I can just release trying to control my inner world. My inner world can be wanting to scream and I don't need to control those inner thoughts and feelings that pop up. It's just how my body works.

Or maybe it's a desire? I have the desire to scream during this time of the month. I'm currently rereading the book and really like how she talks about acknowledging desires is important. Even if you won't ever act on them or they are contradictory, etc.

I am very grateful for my health and the fact that this is the biggest challenge when it comes to my physical and mental wellbeing is an absolute blessing. Maybe I can lean a bit more into gratitude.

If you go through all this, thank you for reading. To be frank, if you have some input or experience, I'd appreciate it. But just writing it all out and sharing was helpful and nice. Thank you! And thank you so much for this community! I've been practicing the skills on and off for 4 years but really committed this year. And I am so so so grateful for all of you.

I feel humiliated and like a fraud today. I can give advice to others but not take my own! Ugh. I am just not managing myself well at the moment. I just want to be right about something and I am like a dog with a bone. I am not new to the skills at all.

I think I need a bit of forgiveness and self compassion.

I have a weak spot. Basically on the theme of the whole 'men don't get women and women have it tougher in life' stuff. Feminist stuff.

I generally feel far more understood by women posting online than men.

I expose myself to the male divorce forums online and I sometimes engage and try to 'show' the guys what they 'did wrong' (ha! why their wife divorced them - the guys are moping and I can't bring myself to feel sorry for them instead I want to teach them!).

I think this maybe comes deeper down internally from feeling resentments that have not yet been validated in my own relationship. I wanted to divorce back in 2018. Before discovering CBT, the skills and much good stuff. We are still together and have made a lot of progress.

So I try to 'use' these strangers to get them to agree. And of course they don't - they feel attacked in turn. Of course they do - so would I.

I know I need to stop going online on these 'male forums'. But I think the issue is deeper. I can't seem to get 'the past' validated. The stuff leading up to the near divorce. The lack of positivity and the lack of care he demonstrated over years. I have let go of lots of anger but now I am left with lots of sadness and feel I am at a dead end in certain ways. But my dead ends seem to open new beginnings when I push a bit on myself.

Just to be clear - I am totally aligned with the ideas of not trying to change him (but then I go online to act it out - which I will stop).

My H is in a tough spot. His childhood left him with a lot of crappy reactions - not my side of the street. But I can't seem to find the right level of vulnerability with him to get validation from him. And I KNOW the techniques.

He doesn't have the capacity to mirror me and so our conversations are either one sided (he doesn't listen) or I stop talking and listen to him and mirror him. He gets listened to (because that's in my control) and he feels better. I end up feeling and lonely and burnt out because it's one sided.

This weekend I told him after yet again another criticism from him that I mirrored (but that hurt) - that I didn't know what to do anymore. I might not be the right person for him. I kept my tone even. I told him the truth - I feel sad about it. I then left the room to come to the kitchen. He went quiet. He followed me to the kitchen not long after and apologised. He tells me it's work stress. I get temporary relief and then after the pressure builds back up.

There MUST be a better solution to this that I can contribute to. Right now it mostly ends up with me feeling sad and crying - alone. Because I don't want to burden the relationship with my NET. I do some self care and feel better in myself. But the relationship seems stuck, not moving forward - I can't get to that Intimacy I crave. And I probably act out online as well just to feed the connection need. Not good.

I have shared my sadness many times - but I think it often overwhelms him - even if sometimes it helps us get close.

I am wondering if a) this somehow has to finish because we are just not right together and never have been or will be or b) I need to learn to see him with his capacity limitations as more on the periphery of my relationships - and get lot of intimacy in acceptable places elsewhere or c) there is something 'new' or 'more' I can do on my side to increase his desire to tune in to me.

I want to be clear that I don't BLAME him in any way.

He is introverted and busy in a FT job. I have not worked the last year due to market slowdown. Our children are teens and require much input. We have a sweet dog.

Sorry if that was long. I am struggling. It helps to write it out.

Please do share your ideas and comments and experiences.

I love my husband but sometimes it feels like he’s not so much in love like he use to be. We have 2 kids 1 being a toddler and the other an infant it doesn’t take much to handle them but to him sometimes it’s too much to take on. He either sighs or complains dramatically! I often find it easier to do things myself but I crave the help from my partner. He claims it’s a mother’s job to do daily things for the children not the fathers which I find NOT true! Plus we’ve been arguing a bit too much lately in front of your girls. I find myself holding my toddler to assure her that I’m okay. It use to not be this way until we moved to what has been the hardest season of our lives living somewhere we feel we don’t belong. I just want my husband back but feel he’s now changed into someone I never married to begin with. How do I move forward from the way I feel ? When I talk with him it feels as if he’s not understanding or doesn’t want to hear what I truly have to say.

I feel like I'm gaslighting myself with SFPs. I can find plenty of evidence why they are not true, and way less evidence why they are true.

For instance, my husband is a great provider. I can find plenty of evidence why he isn't a great provider. Or, my husband wants to take care of me. I can find plenty of evidence that this is not the case. Yes, some evidence of each but the evidence against it very much outweighs the SFP.

So how do I use SFPs then if I have a hard time believing them?