r/surrendered_wife

May I please have some ideas of free self care that I can do at home. I live in a city where it’s not safe for me to go out for walks alone and there are no restaurants to eat at or Spas to go to. I’m pretty much at home all day every day with my 8 month old. Your suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

May I please hear some success stories from people who fixed their marriages using just the book. Thank you ☺️

I've never dated anyone besides my husband. He was my first love at 25. I made a commitment to save sex for marriage and stuck with it. I always knew me husband had a past, but I never asked him for details. I never asked who he was with or how many sexual partners he had. We've been married almost 9 years and it hasn't been much of an issue, although I always wonder which of his exes that he occasionally speaks to are people he slept with. I have some insecurity around him keeping these people in his life.

Recently he has been looking back on old pictures from before we met. He has warned me that there are pictures of him with other girls on there but I can't resist looking over his shoulder. When he notices, he'll say "there's me with so and so". I can't help but be a little jealous and kinda hurt that he feels the need to keep those pictures around. He says it's his past and those people were part of it, so he doesn't wish to erase it. I have on multiple occasions said something about the girls in the photos that has caused a fight.

I feel that I keep messing up and I don't know how to fix it. I'm trying to use the skills from the Surrendered Wife but he isn't even noticing because apparently the things I'm saying are so upsetting to him.

Example:

Him: "Here I am with Angie." Arm around her in the photo

Me: "oh, Angie? The friend you were going to meet up with when we were first dating?"

Is it just me that thinks this?

I got pregnant and miscarried last year and it was eye opening.

It’s an act of bravery.

Your body goes through so many changes you can’t control. The sickness, the changes. And that’s not even beginning to talk about giving birth!

I felt so alone and completely out of control and helpless.

And then there’s your marriage that takes a hit. You’re lucky if it recovers. If not you’re in an unhappy marriage with responsibilities, even worse, your husband realizes this is not what he wants and you’re abandoned and left to be a single mom.

And also the kid - what if you don’t like them? What if they have a disability? What if they just grow up to be an awful human?

The idea of getting pregnant again is such a turn off. I used to day dream about being pregnant. But now it’s hard to unsee all of these downsides and my rose coloured glasses or shattered.

How do people find the courage? I feel like there’s something in my biology that’s broken. The idea of bringing a new life into this world with all of these risks seems like such a gamble.

I would still love to play a mother figure role but intentionally bringing something I can’t take back scares me.

My husband has responded incredibly well to the skills. He’s much more affectionate, loving, attentive, and constantly tells me how happy he is in our marriage. Our relationship genuinely feels much stronger.

The biggest struggle is his drinking. He’s very social and has many friends. They go out together often for golf, fishing, bowling, etc., and drinking is a huge part of their time together. The issue is he tends to binge drink, and it noticeably affects his energy, mood, motivation, and follow-through. He’ll have plans or responsibilities (he creates) for the weekend, but after drinking heavily he becomes exhausted, withdrawn, or unmotivated. He also goes through periods he calls “depression.” He owns his own business and says stress contributes to it and thinks drinking helps.

I’ve tried SFPs like “you’re a responsible drinker” and “you make good decisions,” but I’m not seeing any change yet. I know his drinking is on his paper, and I don’t want to be controlling or mothering. I’ve stopped commenting on it entirely since learning the skills.

Has anyone seen improvement in a situation like this using the skills? What helped?

I’m resenting my husband because he wont take any responsibility for our child. Our daughter is 7 months old and I exclusively breast feed, I put her down for naps and sleep and I’m fine with doing that. I’ve asked him to take over solids or brushing her teeth (once per day, and I do the other times) or to change her diapers when he is home.

He won’t do anything unless I tell him to do it. How do I know? well, since I asked he hasn’t fed her food, brushed her teeth or changed a diaper.

When I read the book )Empowered Wife), it makes me feel better and I let go of things. But then things like this happen:

He made me beautiful Mother’s Day. but then the whole week he slept until 12-1pm, then got up, got himself ready and left at 2pm to work. then he comes back after his shift (the baby is already asleep), played video games and then he goes to sleep.

He will do things if I ask him to do but i have to tell him every single time. like, brush her teeth - he will brush them today, but if I want them to be brushed tomorrow- I have to ask tomorrow again.

it hurts more when I remember how he told me how many responsibilities he used to carry in his previous relationship and it makes me wonder why on earth won’t he care for his own child.

I struggle to not get on fence and it impacts my ability to respect him.

I don’t know what to do. Are there any moms here? How do you manage?

I don’t have any help and I dont have any friends and Im very lonely. I’m trying to make mom friends but I’m struggling.

How do I stop resenting him?

so I have a lot of pent up resentment because I am currently the one that makes more income. he is in a study program for right now indefinitely (we agreed to this when engaged )but fast forward 3 years later it’s hard. it’s a big dream of his and they provide a small pay out type of sponsorship for whoever takes part in this. we both agreed he could be there till it’s not possible anymore. but I’m resentful because my job wears me out I feel like I don’t have any time for self care and it’s his job to support me, we have 2 kids and I am just constantly resentful because I feel like instead of him putting the ball in my court and letting me decide when it’s too much, he just says that’s what we agreed on. I dont Know what to do I feel like a bird in a cage, like now I have this unbelievable urge to want to go away go on vacation go on dates often but he almost never takes me out. not often enough for my liking at least. I wanna just burst ! I don’t know how to apply the skills here and my work won’t let me work an hour less a day. idk how to handle this. it was fine in the beginning but than work became stressful and now I have 2 under 2. but if I force him to leave he will be so resentful to me. I just want peace and love and intimacy and that be the most important thing to both of us. im really venting rn but I just need to.

i want to feel taken care of i want to feel like my husband doesn’t want me to work to hard cause im his delicate princess i want to feel valued and i just feel like a bank right now. i really do believe in the mission of this study program and it’s his dream too but how the heck to i manage both our happines.

Hi all,

I think I have saved my marriage from divorce. My H wanted sep, then divorce but never pushed things forward into actually filing or telling our kids, friends, family etc. I found the skills shortly into the separation & even though it felt like it wasn’t working I grew so much & eventually things did a 180 about 9 month into the whole situation. My H came back to our bedroom, started initiating some affection & more sex, started including me in plans & vacations again without me asking, & doesn’t talk about divorce anymore. He’s introduced me as his wife to many people which I felt like he was avoiding doing during the sep where possible.

Some things that are bothering me & are confusing at times are money, we separated all finances during the sep due to him asking to & haven’t put anything back together, I am ok with this other than the fact my income rly only covers essentials & I have no extra money for anything else & he doesn’t step up to pay for those things so I either have to go without or overextend my money. Examples would be like we make plans with his cousins to go to concert & I say yes I am expected to pay for my ticket, or on vacas he expects me to pay for some of the food etc. then sometimes he steps up & will pay for the lodging & not ask me to contribute. There’s no clarity around when I am expected to contribute & I feel stressed financially which I know he is aware of but haven’t approached a convo due to fear of him saying he wants a divorce still & not knowing how to stay skilled & respectful around the convo. I also want more physical intimacy initiated by him. I have definitely stopped actively practicing the skills & feel stuck like things could be better but aren’t bc I am not focusing on the skills.

I just feel like bc he didn’t declare I want to be with you now, I don’t want a divorce anymore & he hasn’t said I love you that things aren’t great.

Mostly I am looking for help on how to get back on track with the skills over all, & if anyone has suggestions of how to use the skills for the challenges I am facing above especially the money one I could use a refresher & some guidance :). I am good about self care still even if I am less intentional about it like I don’t keep track of self care like I used to & i am respectful & do apologies quickly when I may have veered off track. Missing my small coaching group I was in before but don’t have any extra money to put into that right now so I appreciate any guidance.