r/surrendered_wife

Hi, first time poster here. My husband and I are scheduled for couple’s counseling in a few weeks. I read LD’s book in hopes that maybe there would be something here that could help us before (or instead of) we go to counseling. Now that I’ve read the book, I’m afraid the counseling is going to tear us further apart.

For context, I’m a 26yo and my husband is 32. We have a 2.5 year old and a 6mo. We’ve only been married 3 years- so it’s been a lot in a short period of time.

Our biggest issue is that we are living in his childhood home, right across the street from his parents. So it’s his parent’s old house, with views directly to his parent’s new house. We don’t own the property but his parents are under the impression we will be purchasing it. I do not want to own this home, and I want to move within a year or so. There are many reasons for this: in laws are too close to our kids, parenting/grandparenting boundaries, the home is very small and outdated, etc.

I’m a stay at home mom, and my desire is for a place of our own, that we choose and have privacy with. My husband hears me and understands me, and he feels heartbroken because he loves this house, being close to his family, the property, etc. so for me get what I desire for our family, it’s like breaking his heart. This has been a core argument since we moved in over 2 years ago. It’s the reason our intimacy is hurting- and the fact that he travels and sleeps out of town 4 days of every week, leaving me to single parent for that time. There’s a lot of resentment building here, as I take care of the house and the kids by myself with barely any support or help from him because of his job.

I think what I’m hoping to gain from counseling is a vision of marital teamwork, a shared dream that is separate from this house and so close to his parents.

Anyway, I read LD’s book and I recognize that I can only control myself and my responses. I like the skills, I find some of them useful! But I’m struggling with “staying on my own paper” and relinquishing control when I so deeply desire to leave this house. Thoughts? What can we actually do to move forward instead of staying in this head-butting situation together?

I have a birthday coming up and in the past I would say I would love, ext… and it really worked! He always came through.
We’ve never done anything that extravagant for our birthdays usually out to dinner.
This year I was hinting that I would love to go to the beach. Well he flat out said that’s not happening, and I don’t know why you would want to plan something like that.
So anyway no beach no biggie I’m sure will get to go another time as a family.
I honestly don’t really know what I want this year. I don’t really care honestly.
I’ve been feeling very apathetic lately.
It just feels like I’ve been trying so much and now I don’t really care honestly.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to state what I want.
I feel like my husband should know how to surprise me after all these years together.
Maybe part of me is tired of stating a Desiree and feeling like it’s just shut down.
Am I asking for too much?
I’ve mentioned multiple times how I would love a night out just the two of us without the kids.
Well it never happens everything we do is together as a family. Which is great I am grateful for that but what about me what about us?
I don’t even what to share my desires because I’m so used to them being dismissed.

Is there a way to rebuild trust?

I just learned that me and my husband tried to conceive in the fall and that since June he already had thoughts about leaving.

So why were we trying to conceive when you wanted out? I feel blindsided and like I didn’t have all the info to make a choice.

I ended up miscarrying so it’s a non issue, but I can’t imagine ever getting pregnant with him again.

He really wants kids and I just don’t feel I can put myself in a vulnerable situation and try again.

He said he apologized for that and took accountability. But he still made that choice. He said he didn’t know we’d get pregnant so fast and that he thought agter I got pregnant we could figure things out.

He did marry me during then because he didn’t want a kid out of wedlock and we needed to speed up immigration process too.

Hi everyone,

I just finished the Empowered Wife book. I have a few questions…

Context: My husband and I have been married for about 2 1/2 years. And for the past year and a half we have been arguing more and more frequently. I have felt alone in my marriage and the passion that was there when we were dating and engaged has continuously decreased. We’ve already had 2 two month stretches of no sexual intimacy this year. We are currently halfway through the third.

Feeling unwanted and undesired has been the most difficult part of my marriage. I have tried to communicate to him in every way I can think of, just how I hurt I am, how much I would like us to have regular sexual intimacy, etc. Nothing has gotten through to him.

Almost a month ago my husband and I had the lowest point in our marriage. We’re having some financial struggles. He is very stressed about them. That’s the only thing on his mind. So we’re both very stressed about two different things and neither of us is getting what we need. And about a month ago, we were having this conversation and he just looks at me dead in the eye and he says he doesn’t see a future with me. He doesn’t think he can be the man that I need.

I spent about a week thinking that we were getting divorced and feeling very distraught about that. Things are distant with him and not as warm as they used to be. I have asked him about the change in how he treats me recently - he says that he just feels broken. (Part of the fights is that he will get so upset that he will start to hit himself. It’s gotten to a point where he realizes that it is not good. And he doesn’t want to do that anymore.)

Fast-forward to last week, he was in a workplace incident. He broke four of his teeth. He called me in the morning to tell me what happened. I got dressed. I immediately went to see him. I spent the whole day driving him to different dentist offices. I didn’t want him to have to go through it alone. (I had some dental work done last year. I was thinking how I would want to have him there for me. So I wanted to be as supportive as I could.)

Things I have tried so far:
-I apologized for being disrespectful for something that I said. But his immediate response was that “that’s not the only time.” so he wouldn’t even accept it.

-I have thanked him for at least one thing every day, but I try to make it three things.

-I’ve been using the phrase “I would love”
He will acknowledge it positively, but then nothing happens. I don’t get the thing that I would love, even if it’s small and within his power to get it in that moment.

-I was vulnerable this weekend and I said that I needed help with yard work.
he didn’t do it immediately, but he did it that afternoon so I made sure to thank him for doing it.

-I have tried to compliment him. But every time I compliment him he believes it’s an insult. Or he will spin it negatively and start talking down to himself. It’s exhausting for me to feel like I have to fight against his own mindset to give him a compliment. He refuses to feel good about himself.

My questions are:
-does anyone here have a positive story of regaining sexual intimacy with their husband or partner after long periods of not having anything?

-Has anyone used a spouse fulfilling prophecy to increase their intimacy with their partner?

-should I have let my husband drive himself to the different dentist offices? Was stepping up in a tragic moment overstepping/controlling on my part?

-is it common to have to say “I would love” multiple times before it is honored?

-Any advice on having a husband with a very negative outlook on life? It wasn’t always this way. But it has been like this for a while now.

My husband has long not liked where we live. It has changed a lot and grown so much in population in the last 10 years that it’s almost unrecognizable. He’s been saying he wants to move for years, but I have been happy in our city. I like my friends, our church, career opportunities, etc., though now that we have a child, the housing market has gotten insane post-Covid and public schools here are known to be atrocious. However, I feel like I could be really happy here if we stayed, but I have this secret shame that my H hates his life and is always depressed and a little angry because of it. I’ve given my H a sort of list of non-negotiables of things I’d need in a place that we lived, plus things I really desire, but I’ve never had a concrete place I wanted to move. He’d say he wants to move in the past, but I would say, we’re not 20 anymore, I can’t just move to a new city with no plans on a whim.

A few weeks ago, my H started getting really fed up with his job and started calling around to jobs across the country, seeing if they would be interested in someone with his skill set. They were all in a state that is quite far from where we live now, quite far from family, but he has dreamed of living there. He ended up with multiple interviews and promising prospects. One job, his #1 choice, said he would start next summer, and I was very okay with that. It would let our daughter finish the school year, give us time to save up, give me time to close out this chapter of my life and have some momentous lasts.

Well, my H is now extremely fed up with his job and says he just can’t do it anymore. He keeps saying that now he wants to move next month and that he wants to just quit his job now. I told him IHY, but we need at least $X to move and we’re nowhere close to having that saved. I told him I cannot ask my dad for money for this move. He says that it feels like I’m holding him back.

The thing that we agreed would make the most sense would be for him to move there without us for a few months and then we would join him once he’s more established, but I don’t understand where the money to pay extra rent would come from. The job he would be taking at The start would be a pay cut from his salary now.

I told him that he just needs to do what he feels like he needs to do, but truthfully I’m really heartbroken about having to move so soon. He knows that I do not want to move so soon.

What happens depends on how future job interviews go, but it feels like he will probably get the jobs.

ETA: I feel like the right thing to do is trust my husband with this decision and really *surrender*, but what if it’s not what I want? What if he is making decisions on emotions and I’m making them from financial logic? Do we just both do what we want (he moves now, I move later) and trust that the finances will come together for the second rent? I’ve always been the person who is the most in-tune with the finances, even though it’s a role I’ve regretted. I really want a concrete financial plan, but he doesn’t think it’s necessary.

Hello, I posted recently about how my boyfriend of a few years and I had gotten into an argument that escalated (I’ll try to link the original post in the comments). I got a lot of great advice and I am so grateful for this community.

He has broken up with me, and because we don’t live together, and are not married, there isn’t much of a chance of practicing the skills. I tried to say I understood even though this isn’t what I want, etc. We have a few open logistics so I had to send him something, and I have taken ownership of my part and let him know this isn’t what I want.

For vis we did briefly seem to reconcile after he went silent for a few weeks, and for a week he was behaving normally, talking about the future, etc, but then seemed to abruptly end things. I felt blindsided. I think I am in shock a bit still. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I feel (understandably) that the people around me are stopping me from blaming myself, and I know in isolation it wasn’t just me, and that because he was often disrespectful or short with me it allowed me to really mask my own bad habits by justifying that he was the cause.

But in the time I’ve had to reflect on things, I realize now how much I contributed. I had started learning the skills but wasn’t super great at implementing consistently. And I know the advice now is there’s nothing I can do, self care, etc. I logically understand this, and am doing so. Or trying to.

But since this community is so helpful and like-minded, I am curious from this wonderful community -

For those of you who had a relationship go south before you knew the skills or because you weren’t consistent in implementing them, how did you forgive yourself for what you know now? Do you still feel self blame? Were you able to find a successful relationship later?

I truly feel like I have lost the one I’ll look back on as the one who got away, and it’s super tough.

I am grateful for anyone who responds. Thank you.

Hi ladies,

I'm in need of your infinite wisdom once again.

My fiance is an IT specialist. 20 years of experience. Unfortunately that all fell down in the last two weeks with AI advancements and his role is being disestablished.

He's an incredibly intelligent and driven man, and has been up 18 or so hours a day learning how to utilise this wave of AI. He's doing well, but it is taking a huge toll on him.

I said that I can cover the bills if needed. I said it once and that was enough. I didn't want to strip him of his pride and strength, just offering the plan B for the worst possible scenario.

I've been making healthy meals, encouraging some downtime (watching movies, going for walks) and even put my parrot in daycare (staying at the bird boarder while I am at work) so he gets peace and quiet in the house.

He has acknowledged he is struggling, he has found other developers around the world who are experiencing the same, which I think has validated his experience.

He says money won't be an issue for a long while, he's still got his business and he's now contracting as an AI specialist (he already had background knowledge before this upskill).

Emotionally he's crumbling, he lashes out a little, but it's nothing truly damaging, usually stuff about how the parrot is ruining his chance at getting ahead - which he then apologises for to both me and the parrot. It's never truly heated, it's just his emotions and frustration coming out at what is around him. It's never about me, always some environmental factor.

Hence why I have put the parrot in daycare during my workday. I'm trying to make things as comfortable for him as possible.

I miss falling asleep next to him. He's driving himself so hard that we sleep next to each other maybe once a week. He's usually going to bed as I get up at 5 for work. Granted, he does work better in the evenings and night as that's when his ADHD settles down. I've quietly mentioned that I miss falling asleep with him, not enough to whinge, just to let him know that I feel his absence. That made him feel loved, which was the outcome I had hoped for.

Any ideas on how I can support him further??

How long did it take you to give up control? I'm feeling very hopeless because I can't give up control for certain things. I find it's extremely difficult to give up control and stay off my husband's paper about our kids. If he does something that i think might be dangerous, like put our one year old son to sleep in the bedroom on a hot day with a sleep sack with AC off (the heat doesn't bother my husband, he can go out in the summer in warm clothes and be totally fine so he thinks our baby will be fine too), or he'll let our one year old son sleep with a phone charger within reach of his crib, or give the kids just a rice cake and an apple for lunch (I'm worried they will get really skinny if he only feeds them like that), or something else that I deem unsafe but he thinks is perfectly fine.

I don't understand where to draw the line. It causes tension between us often when I bring stuff up or if I try to help and turn the AC on before they go in there for my sons nap, he might feel like I'm treating him like he's incompetent, but I thought maybe that'd be better than mentioning it to him.

I also get sad when he's upset with me and I'm not sure if that's staying off his paper. I'm very busy with my kids and can't find many things that make me happy enough to not care if our relationship isn't going well. He told me he wanted a separation a few months ago out of nowhere and I get very sad and anxious if anything goes wrong.

I feel like the skills aren't going to work for me no matter how hard I try so I'm feeling a bit hopeless, rather than the empowered feeling I was feeling at first, before I realized that the skills are harder to put into practice than I thought. So I'm just trying to find out if anyone else was slow to get used to the skills as well and also any advice on the specific situations would be extremely helpful.

One ongoing issue that’s still causing conflict is that my husband and I have different ideas about how scheduled our kids should be. They’re only 5 and 7, they’re in school full days, and they do plenty of camps, sports, and activities. My older child already has three after-school activities, and my 5-year-old strongly wants to be with me after 3pm. I feel like that’s completely appropriate for her age and not something we need to push yet.

My husband wants them to do more, and this is really hurting me. I think downtime is healthy; not screen time, just being home, playing, going to the playground or swim club. Their lives are already full of school, sports, piano, travel, and activities. And honestly, I want to be with my kids! They’re little. I like picking them up from school and spending those afternoons with them.

My husband’s argument is that they need to keep developing their social and emotional skills, but they’re already doing that five full days a week at school, plus through all the unstructured social time they get elsewhere.

I get near tears when we talk about this. I want to surrender to what he thinks, but I can’t on this topic. I want my young kids with me. Soon enough they’ll want to be with their friends all the time, and I feel like I don’t have that many of these younger years left.

I do want him to know that I respect where he’s coming from. I know the heart of it is that he wants our kids to have every advantage and every resource available to them. He tends to want to bring in specialists, play therapy, extra activities, etc., while my instinct is often that with good parenting, time, and connection, a lot of these things will work themselves out.

But I’m a stay-at-home mom, and this also feels like my area. I feel resentful when he pushes for the kids to be in after-school activities every day. Part of me thinks: then what is the point of me staying home? I don’t tell him how to do his job or structure his days. I know they’re his children too and these decisions belong to both of us, but I also want my judgment as the parent who is with them most to carry some weight.

Ultimately, he went with my decision when we were choosing after school activities, but he was clearly annoyed and became rude, which made me cry. He later apologized. And underneath all of this is something very tender for me: I grew up barely being with my parents and feeling profoundly emotionally neglected. I know that history affects how strongly I feel about this, but I also only get one chance to raise my kids. Being a present, connected mother while they’re still little matters enormously to me, and it’s deeply upsetting to feel like he isn’t hearing that.

Would love any advice. I don't want this to keep being a tense issue every school semester.

Thank you to all who supported me in my anxiety a couple of weeks ago around my family trip where I wanted my husband to make plans. Everyone's advice was helpful, and I successfully surrendered the entire trip. We had an amazing time. My husband stepped up and planned everything. I basically said "whatever you think" on repeat, and all went smoothly. He made my every stated desire come true and was doting and sweet to me during the trip. I learned a lot about what I was so controlling about, and realized they were all things I could let go. I focused a lot on self care. We had no fights or tense moments. Saying "I can't" has been a game changer, he immediately jumps in every time.

That said, I am trying to change my mental framework to accept this new normal and am finding it difficult. My husband does seem to be happier being in control of all of the decisions, and quite honestly it's hard to stomach. It's one thing to stay off his paper - I 100% needed to stop trying to control him and am so happy that I'm aware and can make that change. But.. he didn't want to make joint decisions this whole time and all along has preferred to be in charge without needing my input? And my input is imasculating? It's hard to digest.

One more.. What do you do if your husband tries to control things on your paper? Is there a way to kindly shut that down?

HELP!
Me and my husband had a major fight 10 days ago (it always starts off over petty things) eventually it increases because of our anxious and avoidant styles. I want to fix it right away he wants to take space and time. We live in with in laws so it gets more awkward to a point they start asking what’s happened which spirals more. I keep trying to fix it he gets more annoyed at that and gets rude then I get angry and it just continues in this cycle (only realised now this is a clash of coping mechanisms)

Anyway

Had a fight that got heated I left and came to my parents he went and told his mum about our fight she also got annoyed at me. My SIL went and kicked off with them and said you all got involved you make her feel like this etc and my husband kind of realised and called my mum and said it gotten so out of control give me time. Left it there

I’ve been trying to contact him so we can talk and he’s just constantly blocking me, ignoring me. Been so long he’s not even letting me speak to him or him speak to me, I mentioned I can see from the home cameras he’s just getting about his day he’s removed me from them.. he’s just acting like he’s the victim and only I am the bad guy, he never sees his fault.

Now he does have narcissistic traits. In the past twice I have non stop begged and pleaded for him to speak to me and after making me beg and grovel he’s given in. This time first time I have not continuously chased him and I feel like he’s getting more mad at that. I refuse to because I just can’t be bothered but obviously I want to save my marriage but I don’t want to beg for him to act right, I feel like 10 days with no contact is pushing me away I feel like he doesn’t care and his ego matters to him more than his wife.

Except for leaving him what on earth do I do.

Hello! My husband and I have been separated for a month and he still wants a divorce. We are going to have a conversation of where we are at on Saturday night. What would be the best way to express my desire to work on things? Would it be the " I would love..? I just don't want him to feel disrespected or blamed or anything. I'm just having a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into how the book asks us to. How would you guys word it? More info: He thinks our marrige was a mistake and that he doesn't love me anymore. But we have had a really stressful few months and I believe that was the tipping point for everything. Any advice would be appreciated! ​

Today is my birthday. I have mixed feelings about this, I am feeling sad that I keeps getting older & have been having feels this week about not achieving things in life yet that I thought I would by now. Trying to stay off my phone/all socials today, been feeling overwhelmed & think I need a screen detox from all the comparing to others lives but needing to vent real quick so I logged on to vent real quick .

I alrdy got moody w him yesterday & apologized for being all over his paper & making his mood about me. He responded well to that. As I said it’s my bday, my bother is my kids are being a-holes & my husband hasn’t said happy birthday to me yet 🫠 to be fair he is at work. My norm is to leave coffee/bfast for him when I leave for work on mornings he is in after me. I did that as normal, I make him same as I make myself so it’s really not any extra work to make extra for him & went to work. That was at 8 & at 12 I haven’t heard anything. I txted him saying I’d love to meet for a coff date in a couple hours if his work day allows it, he said if I can come to him he can cuz he’s busy at work doesn’t have as much flexibility today. I am fine w that but he still didn’t even txt me happy birthday!!! it’s super bothering me, someone just tell me to shut up & stop being a brat 😭

he does thoughtful things & shows me he cares in little ways often, he’s never been much of a gift giver or big celebration guy in general & doesn’t do cards. When we were in early dating stages he did cards, gifts, flowers, etc for the typical times expected like a bday gift, Xmas gift, anniversary & vday. Since we had kids we talked about more just saving money for trips & not doing fancy gifts but he would still often surprise me with something small. This stopped after our second born & then when second born was almost 3 had our separation & break down that lasted almost a yr. I am trying to refocus on the good, he has been making comments all weekend about how we’ve been doing good teamwork on getting our house/yard nice after neglecting things for yrs. He bought us a camper & has been takig us away in it all summer. He surprised me with my fave pumpkin beer sun night just because he knew it would make me happy. If I am being honest, I just sometimes wish he was a big celebration/gift guy, I don’t need anything big but it would make me so happy if he was just like I’d love to take you out for your fave drink/food for your bday, or I got you this candle bc I thought you’d love it. Really anything like that but I’m not always good at expressing my desires. A big thing for me is I get burnt out from trying to control/plan everything & honestly not having to make a decision on where to go, etc is the best gift for me. I’ve tried to express this to H but he doesn’t really pick up on it that much or poss just doesn’t care enough, if I express disappointment over my bday i feel like he would say well you didn’t tell me you wanted to do anything . Rant over, thank you for listening.

Is there any way; and how girls are literally able to control their husbands.. I am unable to do it.

I'm genuinely baffled on how to handle my husband's poor hygiene and health habits. Before you ask me why I married him, we didn't live together before we got married, and I always understood that he had weird eating habits, but I didn't realize the extent of it until we got married.

My husband doesn't floss and has very bad breath. Sometimes I can smell it from several feet away from him. He also has tartar build-up in his teeth. I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, it literally disgusts me. I take immaculate care of myself, hygienically and physically. I find it very hard to respect someone who doesn't even respect their own body.

He also eats extremely poorly. This isn't an exaggeration. He has a very long list of food aversions, and he chronically undereats and has a junk food diet. For lunch, he'll eat a can of soup, and then for dinner he might eat a bowl of pasta. And that's all he'll eat for days on end. He doesn't exercise either.

I know that Laura Doyle would suggest that I duct tape. And I know she's right. In the past, I have tried to give him advice on this kind of thing, but it doesn't really change. I've noticed he has made a few positive changes with my guidance, but he will eventually just slip back into the way he was before. The oral hygiene thing is the biggest one though, because I genuinely don't want to kiss him.

I do feel like I'm allowed to have the boundary that if my husband doesn't care for his oral hygiene, I shouldn't feel like I have to kiss him just to appease him. That doesn't seem Laura Doyle coded.

I (35/F) am exhausted. I've been asking husband (39/M) of 16 years for respect. His reaction is always some combination of yelling, deflecting, insulting me, blaming me, playing the victim, then storming away. How can I get him to HEAR ME.

Edit to add: This morning it all started because he asked if I would go to church. I said no. Somehow the entire conversation devolved into an argument. I don't see the point in going to church with a man who doesn't live by the principles taught there. He treats everyone else better than his own family. His response: "it's not for me (husband). it's for (daughter)."

Hi everyone! Let's get straight to the point, I'm quite young and my marriage is my first relationship. I reckon I was not put in situations as a teen that would warrant the anger I feel in my marriage. The closest thing I can think of is my mom making me mad, and when that would happen I would just read the Bible. But now that I'm married, I do not do that.
I feel like when I get angry at my husband especially about something I think is major, I will get so angry it'll cause me to either shut down or maybe overthink and say harmful things. One instance early on in our marriage, I broke a glass at the wall. Does anyone have any recommendations such as sermons, coping strategies, books or even verses that'll help me.

Please share testimonies, be as honest as possible and don't sugarcoat advice if you have any for me:)

Like you don't fit what people expect homemakers to be? (Maybe you work outside the home or lean left on the political spectrum)

laura doyle's empowered wife helped me embrace my marriage, a more traditional role in my home which i love! - my life has changed

but as i've tried to find community of likeminded women i've felt too traditional for some of my non-homemaker friends but too progressive than most homemakers.

I hope this post is allowed but
I want to make some sort of platform for us untraditional homemakers- if any of you have 2 minutes please fill out this form with what you'd ideally need so I can build something useful :)

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdkonTK_0BeriHxPqdrIEXhbItdswLxZOkZFqIRFdyZ41gmHQ/viewform - or if any of you have ideas for where i can talk to more homemakers or what you'd need in a platform like this- please let me know:)

I’m 34F and my husband is around my age (35M). We’ve been married about a year and a half, together for 7 years (met in 2018) and got engaged in 2022.
When we got married, we agreed that we wanted a big family, around 3–4 children. He has wanted a big family very strongly for a long time.

I experienced a miscarriage last year. After that experience, something changed for me. I realized that I don’t think I want 3–4 biological children anymore. I started feeling that I would be happy with one child, and I’ve also become more open to adoption/fostering.

This has been a major source of conflict because having a big family is extremely important to him.
He has been talking about separation since February.

Some of the things he has said to me:

“I think it’s time we officially consider ourselves separated. Docs can follow.”

When I told him I was sad but still had love and hope, he responded:

“same on deflated & love”

On another call, he said:

“We have already decided multiple times not sensible thing what we are doing. It’s very sad.”

He has also said that our differences are becoming clearer to him. He doesn’t want to live in my country (where I would want to be to have a kid to be near my family), our cultural/religious differences, and that he feels there is love and chemistry but no compatibility.

For background, I had threatened to leave multiple time a because of our religious differences and broke up with me 3 times when we were dating because of family pressure.

What’s confusing is that his actions haven’t always felt completely detached.

He drove about six hours to visit me where I live. We were intimate during the visit. He helped me unpack and paid for meals. He doesn’t take my calls or call me anymore but every couple of weeks I get a call from him telling me this won’t work and he doesn’t see me letting go.

But he continues to say that separation is what makes sense.

I’ve also done a lot of work on myself and on my side of the relationship. I’ve realized that I have a pattern where I can feel like I want to leave when things feel secure, but when the other person starts leaving, I become very motivated to fight for the relationship. I’m trying to understand that rather than automatically reacting to the fear of losing him.
I’m at a point where I feel some peace knowing I’ve done what I can.

I want to keep standing for my marriage but I don’t know what he is thinking. Why ask for a separation but not just get it over with? Why is he still holding on if he doesn’t want to be married?

I finished the Empowered Wife a few weeks ago and have had a lot of success with the skills so far. I realized a lot of issues between us start with me trying to control how he parents our son and my stepson. My stepson is 15 and a great kid however he does make mistakes (like all teenagers). When these things happen my husband will scream at him, call him humiliating names, and even threaten physical violence (he has not ever crossed this line). I obviously feel responsible for protecting my stepson but if/when I try to intervene it makes everything much worse. Does anyone have advice about how to use the skills to navigate these situations? For additional context my husband has full custody of his son but my stepson visits his mom for school breaks.