u/The_Gilded_orchid

Hi ladies,

I'm in need of your infinite wisdom once again.

My fiance is an IT specialist. 20 years of experience. Unfortunately that all fell down in the last two weeks with AI advancements and his role is being disestablished.

He's an incredibly intelligent and driven man, and has been up 18 or so hours a day learning how to utilise this wave of AI. He's doing well, but it is taking a huge toll on him.

I said that I can cover the bills if needed. I said it once and that was enough. I didn't want to strip him of his pride and strength, just offering the plan B for the worst possible scenario.

I've been making healthy meals, encouraging some downtime (watching movies, going for walks) and even put my parrot in daycare (staying at the bird boarder while I am at work) so he gets peace and quiet in the house.

He has acknowledged he is struggling, he has found other developers around the world who are experiencing the same, which I think has validated his experience.

He says money won't be an issue for a long while, he's still got his business and he's now contracting as an AI specialist (he already had background knowledge before this upskill).

Emotionally he's crumbling, he lashes out a little, but it's nothing truly damaging, usually stuff about how the parrot is ruining his chance at getting ahead - which he then apologises for to both me and the parrot. It's never truly heated, it's just his emotions and frustration coming out at what is around him. It's never about me, always some environmental factor.

Hence why I have put the parrot in daycare during my workday. I'm trying to make things as comfortable for him as possible.

I miss falling asleep next to him. He's driving himself so hard that we sleep next to each other maybe once a week. He's usually going to bed as I get up at 5 for work. Granted, he does work better in the evenings and night as that's when his ADHD settles down. I've quietly mentioned that I miss falling asleep with him, not enough to whinge, just to let him know that I feel his absence. That made him feel loved, which was the outcome I had hoped for.

Any ideas on how I can support him further??

My partner doesn't wear ironed shirts to work, they're more casual there and mostly wear polos.

But today I found the iron, used a towel on the bench (no ironing board), and ironed his shirts. He came out, just smiled and watched me for a moment. He was full of thanks afterwards, and hung them up straight away.

As a bonus, I tried ironing his silk pillowcase, it came up beautifully! He looks like a kid who got the candy now, I'll definitely be getting an ironing board and doing this more often!

It feels nice, to have these little things I can do for him that make his life more comfortable. Back when I was a raging feminist and made him iron his own stuff and do everything himself, our relationship was very separated, but it's slowly melting together bit by bit.

We share the power bill, mostly because it's my half tonne aquarium and electric vehicle that use the most electricity, but he decided this week that I was only allowed to pay for a small part of it. I made sure to mention how grateful I am, and thanked him. I'm paying for my mother's house right now, because I noticed she was struggling and is too proud to say anything, so every little bit helps. I feel supported by him, like we are in this together. He also sends money to his parents, I love that we share those values.

Thank you ladies, you're inspirational.

Eight wonderful years. Engaged within one year, then I had to start studying for a bachelor's degree and had some health challenges, so we decided to delay marriage. We went from strength to strength, learning so much about each other.

Now he's saying marriage means nothing to him, but he will do it if I want it.

Of course I want it, but not if it's now just ticking a box for him.

I feel like I'm not as valuable to him, despite the fact that I needed to gain qualifications to work and support myself (we are 50/50).

I dress very conservatively for work, and dress nicely for him at home. Since he's been saying marriage isn't important to him anymore, I've stopped doing wife things. He cooks his own food, does his own washing (I used to enjoy helping him out when busy) but I still continue our relationship because I want to understand what changed.

Here in New Zealand, marriage isn't actually all that common these days. It's quite normal for couples to go their entire lives just as de facto.

But he didn't start our relationship like that.

I've gone through so much, and made sure to rely on my own support network because he couldn't handle emotions well and would get more distressed than I was, making me then need to bottle up my own feelings to care for him.

Today I said no to sex. It's the first time I've ever done that. I understand a man has needs. But I didn't want sex, and I'm not his wife, so it felt alright to say no.

I'm worried this will break what we have. I don't want to change my values for someone else, but I also need to balance reality with what I imagine in my mind.

I would love any advice here.