r/RedPillWomen

I (27F) and my boyfriend (29F) live together, and we have a really complicated history. We were high school sweethearts. I broke up with him almost a decade ago. Both of us ended up in really fucked up relationships after this, and about 10 months ago, I reached out. 5 months after that, in May 2026, we finally met up and started dating.

Since then, it’s been a shitshow. I know this man loves me and never stopped loving me. Part of this is because of certain social media posts, people we both know telling me what he’s said over the years, and the gestures he’s done for me. I think because we bonded over parental trauma, he has a weird form of oneitis for me.

But with that being said, I also strongly believe he’s a sex addict. That makes the oneitis thing less likely. I just think he is really fucked up, largely due to his marriage. He was married between 2023-2025, and it was a dumpster fire. He ended up homeless, and his self esteem tanked. By the time I met him, he’d moved up to a decent job and his own place, but his insecurities are still there. I’ve caught him texting other girls, lying to me almost compulsively, and I recently found an account on a porn website with a ton of material. Like…a lot. There’s actually a ton of information I ended up finding out via snooping, and he knows that I know, which culminated in him suggesting couples counseling.

He suggested couples counseling after my third meltdown. We had our first session three days ago. I grilled him the night of, however, because I’m just so angry. This was the first time I let all my anger out, without any tears. I told him I am ready to walk (not a threat - I genuinely will), and I ended up spending the night at my mom’s. It was also the first time he made any real type of admission. In his words, he is “an insecure, cowardly loser who likes to get attention from people”. He admitted he compartmentalizes, has a problem (although was vague about what the problem actually is), etc.

He scheduled a private session with our counselor because he wants to get it all out, as in what the actual problem is and the extent of it, before we have another couples session. Our counselor explicitly told us he won’t hold secrets from either partner. I’m all for this. I’m actually really proud of him, although for self preservation purposes, my hopes are not high.

With that being said, how do I act during this? We have a lease together, so I can’t just up and go. Realistically I think it’s 50/50 on whether he changes or not. But I need to know what to do during.

So far (it’s been a total of 3 days lol) I have:

* Stopped sleeping in the same bed as him
* Stopped allowing intimacy (no sex or kissing, we hugged today though)
* Stayed at my mom’s the night of the fight
* Stopped crying, panicking, and micromanaging
* Demanded we both have each other’s passcodes and passwords to our computers

He has reacted to this by wanting more physical touch and reassurance from me to the point I have to bat him away. He reacted positively to my demands, but I am not reassured. I’m not doing this to get a reaction out of him, though. I need to reestablish boundaries and also practice some self love because I feel incredibly disrespected and when I found everything out a month or two ago, I reacted by basically suffocating him in love/affection/reassurance I’ll be there for him no matter what, and that got me nowhere.

Please let me know what I can do to at least better protect myself, and how to act in a way where the forbidden fruit isn’t as tantalizing as it is.

hi, i'm 27 and a lot of the time i feel like i attract flashy men but they're not my type. both in person and online. i'm not flashy myself and i don't wear lots of outwardly expensive or designer things but i am well dressed and groomed. i obviously don't mind a man who looks after his appearance and works hard in life but i'd prefer someone a bit more traditional and basic in appearance. any advice on where to look/how to change this?

No matter how long I’ve been here (which isn’t as long as many other ECs) and no matter how much reading I’ve done, sometimes I am still reminded that I don’t fully understand men and get surprised by things that, in retrospect, I should have known. Recently this came about in my marriage regarding the power of attire.

As we age, it can get harder to know what to wear. We want to stay fashionable, youthful, and trendy, yet not look like an older woman trying and failing to be young. If we are single, we want to look hot but not give the impression we are easy or trashy or a woman with no morals, and if we are married, we want our husband to be proud to be seen with us and turn him on without embarrassing him. There are also the practicalities of life – are we managing kids, are we working out, are we in a hot or cold climate, and footwear… comfort matters! So what is a woman to do?

As I look at my own fashion journey, I dressed sexy in my 20s, but nothing over the top slutty. Pretty mainstream stuff, showing cleavage and curves. As I entered into my 30s, I became a little more conservative. I was single and wanting to give the impression I was marriage material. I also was going out less, staying home more, put on 20 lbs or so, so covered up more as I didn't feel comfortable in tight fits in my body. The styles as of recent times have also trended fairly conservative – the prairie dresses, the wide leg pants, urban styles – all of this made me think it was ok I was covering up a bit more, it was good, it was fashionable. And all the online talk in the manosphere of women being too slutty, not marriage material, etc played into it for me as I was single. On top of it, I refound spirituality and religion and felt better covering up. It is worth noting I converted to a religion where dressing conservatively is key for women so I have gotten more conservative in the past 2 years even.

When I met my husband, in the first 3 months of dating, he mentioned he thought I dressed too conservatively. He listed it along with other things he thought I could change including my weight and I was hurt and upset. He said these things to me in a nice way, and to be fair, I did ask what he thought I could change. He pretty quickly apologized and told me I should wear what I am comfortable in, it wasn’t his place to tell me what to wear. I kept it in mind and started a “get fit” journey but was more focused on fitness than attire. And I really thought I WAS dressing cute – I was wearing flowy sundresses and maxi dresses, I got some cute wide leg pants and tight sweaters, etc. And the topic didn’t come up much after, maybe an occasional passing comment, but I could tell and feel that I wasn’t getting my husband’s attention with my looks. He’d tell me I looked pretty, and I think he meant it, but I wasn’t getting the animalistic “you look hot I want to F you” response I wanted. He even praised me for my weight loss, but I still wasn't getting the full response I wanted.

As we hit this fall, I naturally started wearing more leggings. I’ve also lost 25 lbs over the past 1.5 years. I ditched the longer tunic tops for short shirts and pulled out my tall boots (he mentioned once he loved them but I hadn’t worn in a long time because I thought ankle boots were more in trend). And all of the sudden, my husband is obsessed with my look. Like seriously overnight. I started going for cleavage with push up bras and asked him “is this too slutty to wear out, should I change?” and he’s all “NOOOOO I love it, wear it.” The tall boots and tall socks turn him on too – I chalk it up to that this is what women wore when he was in his 20s and becoming sexually awakened and so it does something for him.

The results? We’ve been having sex twice a day on weekends and pretty much daily during the work week over the past week or two. I can feel he feels more proud to be out with me. He told me “you look hot” (vs. pretty) which I don’t think he has ever said to me outside of sexy times… and I could feel he meant it. He’s more attentive, more cuddly both in public and private, more ass slapping, just overall craving me more. In short, it has increased my value in his eyes, no doubt about it.

This seems SO simple but I am shocked that simply dressing this way has this effect on him. If I had known a year ago, I would have done it, but I thought I needed to get fit so I covered up as I thought I would embarrass him otherwise. I had no idea just dressing in skin tight stuff would make him want to have more sex, to see me as more valuable, to feel proud to be seen with me. My sexuality doesn’t work like that at all – I find him attractive and to me what turns me on is more about what he does/says in bed, not what he looks like. If he wears whatever, it doesn't impact my sexual attraction to him. I really just missed the mark on the difference between men and women here, the power that simply just looking at my cleavage and ass in tight pants has on his desire for me, and I can’t believe I misunderstood this for so long.

Now every man is different, YMMV. I know some men do want their women to dress more conservatively in public, so you should know what your man wants and desires. But there is a case for dressing slutty and bucking the trends to wear what appeals to the male gaze and not what fashion magazines say is in. I can’t believe I made this mistake for so long, I can’t believe I lost the plot on how men work, that men are sexually different than women, and that something so simple can earn such drastic results.

How do some average girls date a guy “above their league” ?

An acquaintance girl friend of mine is dating a guy who is conventionally attractive, handsome, athletic, has cool hobbies, academically successful, interning at a prestigious company, ambitious and comes from a celebrity/influencer family. Because of that he has a lot of followers on social media. An everyone are calling him handsome on social media and telling him to model.

As you can imagine, he is very popular in my university. Many girls find him intimidating. He is the guy many women would want to date. Guys like that look at me don't even bother giving their time to talk to me, even something as small as small talk.

By comparison, this girl, she is fairly average and plain looking (definitely compared to him), doesn't have the same level of influencer popularity (just a normal college student girl), and comes from a different cultural and ethnic background to him (she is east asian and the guy is white but looks like a model). She does come from an upper middle class family.

She was also only a university freshman when they met and started dating, so no real achievements/status establishment in university too (the guy is not a freshman). Yet they are now in a serious committed relationship and guy celebrates her and shows her off, at least on social media.

I suspect she was interested in and pursued him first? or else the other way around doesn't make sense?

Most of my female friends date men who are more successful professionally, but, in my opinion, they’re better-looking than their boyfriends. So I can see a give-and-take there. With this girl, though, I don’t see that same balance. She’s “dating up” across all the areas I’m comparing, rather than just career and success.

I don't believe she just got lucky, because a pattern I've noticed about her is that she is highly ambitious about everything in general, she became student council president in high school and regularly tries out for and secures competitive opportunities, from the companies she applies for to the university clubs she joins, they are all socially regarded as high tier and competitive to get into.

There are two things I’m trying to understand:

1. How did she find the confidence to pursue such a guy romantically? Most of my girl friends look at him and they are intimidated, so how was she so confident?
2. How she got him to successfully reciprocate and choose her, presumably when he had many options and many asian girls that look like her too

I know guys are big on how a girl looks above anything else, especially guys that are highly sought after.

But this girl looks pretty average and plain, like most asian girls in my university, and definitely not as good looking compared to him.

So what makes someone seemingly average able to attract a person “above their league”? in literally multiple aspects in this case? especially as a girl, where its not as common to date above their league compared to vice versa? What is this girl (and people like her) doing differently, where high value men say yes to be with her? what is their secret?

I Made a post here about trying to evaluate my market value as I date up and interracially. I don’t date interracially cause I think one race is better than another but for the benefits I can get from it.

I have been dating a white guy who is a few years older than me and I am getting mental fogginess from this. He is doing well for himself and I’m the first black girl he has dated. We never really spoke about race in the beginning and I loved it that way. It was strictly a “woman like man wanna see compatibility thing.”

When we got intimate, things changed; his first comment about race was that he loved the contrast of our skin. I was like okay, that’s alright.

The next thing I noticed was that he’d ask if any black guy has made me feel the way he has and size comparison. He’d compare me to his coffee and how he was gonna be the cream to my coffee. He’d be mad if I pushed him away cause he’s asking for too much and then the worst happened. I began to notice that whenever we were out, he’d look at other girls and say things that he noticed about them. Look at her nails. She has great style. I love those jeans. This broke my heart the most because it felt like I had woken up something dormant in him.

I’m trying to back away but now I regret downplaying the experiences of other black women who told me that they have been fetishized during dating. It’s painful.

This relationship has become more sexual than when we first started and I’m wondering if I should’ve waited longer before we had sex or if it’s okay that I got to see this side of him earlier.

It really hurts cause I wanted us to see each other as people, not as symbols or objects. I think I’m gonna have to accept that it would be hard dating up for me as this is what I seem to attract.

I won’t even get into what I face in casual situations.

My bf has this one girl always pop up as 1st in his stories, I know he thinks she’s attractive because she’s obviously his type. She played at his music thing and so he follows he on both his music account and his personal account and it just annoys me that she’s 1st on his stories for both accounts and he likes her posts on BOTH accounts.
The post he likes are her just being cool, they’re not provocative, she posts those in her story (which idk if he likes those or not because I don’t have a way of knowing)

It’s such an internet thing that I can’t really say anything, but on an overarching point of view I can SEE what’s happening (if that makes sense)
I already had a talk with him about his online lust and he validated me and made changes.
But this is such a lowkey thing you know, that would seem irrelevant…

He’s really loving and sweet and emotionally intelligent that it makes me feel CRAZY to feel like this, I really just want to break up with him because dealing with things like this makes my stomach turn and my heart turn into a knot.

Am I crazy? Am I over reacting?

I(30f) am dating a fantastic man(35). He does so much for me, and I try hard to be the best partner I can. He is financially more comfortable than me and enjoys the provider role. We don’t live together and only get 3 nights a week together. He happily does endless chores to help me as in physical house/property chores, does my weekly grocery shopping with me(and pays), sends me DoorDash when he knows I’ve had a long day, etc…. We eat out together a lot but it tends to be inbetween errands type casual. He’s a homebody and while I am too most the time, I enjoy getting a little dressed up and going out once every week or two…. Which we did a bit in the start of our relationship but we’ve hit that “comfortable” stage. And he works incredibly hard so I feel bad asking for more from him. How do I ask him to take me on dates without sounding unappreciative for the things he does? Or sound like kinda silly for asking?