u/Lilac_shinyHibiscus

Tout est dans le titre.

- Les applications de rencontres vous allez me dire ? J'ai trop donné, ça ne me convient plus (et d'ailleurs j'ai remarqué que je n'étais pas la seule à en être blasée)

- Les événements pour célibataires ? Je m'y vois mal, ils me paraissent bien trop kitsch (sans vouloir être méchante)

- Plus personne ne se parle en dehors de ces sphères, alors les possibilités sont encore plus limitées

Mais du coup, comment rencontrer sans applications ? Surtout lorsqu'on est introvertie je précise. Je ne trouve pas d'intérêt à sortir pour sortir, je ne suis pas fêtarde et je suis souvent chez mes amis, au travail ou en train de faire mes courses.

Je me doute bien qu'il n'existe pas de formule magique, mais vos retours d'expérience et conseils sont plus que bienvenus.

tl;dr : 2 years long distance, on and off, he never agreed to label us as a couple even though he said he was looking for a girlfriend and we behave like a couple. After I asked for a break, a friend found his active Hinge profile using a photo I took of him. On a 5-hour call he swore he never used it or dated anyone, blamed my friend and told me he loves me for the first time in 2 years, cried for 40 minutes. I ended it but I regret it as I miss him, he was also my first time so I have strong emotional attachement to our "relationship". Do I reach out, and if so what do I ask for?

I (29F) met this guy (39M) 2 years ago when I was doing a solo trip in his city. We met online and we immediately clicked. We spent two wonderful dates together and we kissed on the last date but that's it. When I went back to my country, in my head it was just a sweet little fling. A few weeks after, he texted me to wish me a happy new year, and that's when we started to date. I was going to visit him in his city most of the time because I was the most flexible one in terms of schedule (but he also came to visit me once, when he had vacation time).

As we were spending time together, I quickly asked about exclusivity. He never gave me a proper answer, he said that he takes relationships very seriously and he wants to be able to be sure that the person he'll be with is the right one (his last relationship was from 12+ years ago). So he never wanted to confirm explicitly that we were exclusive, but he insisted on the fact that he was not seeing anyone and that he was not the type to date around or to seek one-night stands whatsoever. I was left very frustrated with that answer. He always said he was looking for a girlfriend, but never accepted to call me his, or hinting it...

So basically over the 2 years we've been on and off because I pulled away three or four times since I didn't feel like he wanted to commit fully, despite meeting each other and behaving like a couple (without the sex), so he has reason to see a pattern. I wanted to label our relationship but he was still very wishy-washy about that. From time to time, he'd say "you're not my girlfriend, we're not in a relationship," to shut down things I asked for. But at the same time, when we'd meet, everything would be amazing and sweet, great chemistry, and we would behave like a couple, he would be affectionate and caring about my needs etc.

Another thing was that we would fight a lot because I felt like I was giving a lot more than him (texting, calling, suggesting to meet).

We cut contact between November and March (until I reached out to him), and when we met, we spent an amazing time together, and we started to date again since then. I noticed a lot of change in him, we would communicate more, he would reach out more and make more space for me in his life, he would let himself be more vulnerable and I could feel that he started to get more attached. On my side, I made the effort to not rush about the relationship status, so it could give him some space to actually vet me more and see if he really wanted to be with me. I could genuinely tell that he really appreciated having me around. Everything was more fluid and healthy.

The last time we met was in June, I visited him and everything was perfect, he even introduced me to some of his surroundings.

A month ago I told him I plan my months far ahead and asked him to come back to me with dates so we could meet in August. He kept saying "I don't know," even though I reached out twice. So I eventually filled my month, and he was upset about that. We had a fight and I told him that I felt like he hadn't put me as a priority. I was very hurt, as I was very excited to meet him, I felt like the level of effort was unequal. I pulled away and he noticed that I wasn't texting or calling as much and was hurt by that. So we had a long talk where I told him that I put in more effort, and that we were fighting too much, and to summarize, I told him that we should have a break (not a breakup, and I said so explicitly) because I just felt exhausted with all of this.

Two days later I was talking with a friend and she managed to find his Hinge profile (he had never deleted the apps, I was aware of that, but he always told me that he never used them), marked as active, with a recent photo I had taken of him on a good day together when we met in June, as his first picture. Two days before that, he'd given me a long speech about how trust is the most important thing to him and blablabla.

We had a 5-hour call where I confronted him. He insisted he never used the app and that he just updates his profile all the time, but wasn't thinking too much into it. I told him that my trust was broken, and that I've always been transparent with him, and exclusive; he assured me that he never went on a date, never lied to me, and that if I was uncomfortable he would have deleted the apps. I believe he probably didn't cheat but now I'm having second thoughts about everything in our on-and-off relationship. But he wouldn't fully own it: every "I shouldn't have done that" came with a "but," and he ended up blaming my friend for "destroying" us.

However, for the first time in 2 years he told me he loved me, that he'd thought about kids with me, that no woman in 15 years mattered more, that I made a big change in his life and that since we reconnected in March, he was really considering being committed to me, and that he often talks about me to his friends for advice, and told his mother about me. To be honest, in the beginning of the phone call, I was in full emotionless mode, accusing him and calling him a liar and an untrustworthy person. He spent his time explaining himself, trying to repair things, saying a whole bunch of positive things about me that I wasn't aware of, and that he could have said way before all this mess.

He sobbed for the last 40 minutes. I stayed on the phone comforting him.

I know I made the decision to end things, but deep down I never really wanted that, I was just very mad and hurt and now I miss him badly. But one part of me also thought this relationship is ruined anyway, and that I should move on even if it hurts.

Another piece of information is that I was a virgin when I met him and he always respected my pace, was never pushy and his behavior was always gentle towards me. So a few months ago in March when we reconnected, I gave him my first time (huge mistake, I know...), which I know makes this heavier and more emotional for me than it should be. Part of me thinks that now that everything has finally been said, we'd have healthier foundations, since he admitted that he was in love, he cried and admitted that he messed up, and for my part I still have hope that we could be a good couple and that we were moving towards something healthier.

I want to write/call him and ask whether we should try to save whatever there is to save between us, and be in a fully committed relationship. The other part of me is very annoyed that I'd be the one initiating again, but I really want to. I've told my best friend and my sister about this, and they immediately told me that I deserve better and that he should never have updated his dating profile and that it shows he'll be unfaithful.

I'd like to have another perspective on that. This man made a mistake and pretty much regrets it. Is it worth persisting with trying something with him? I want to reach out so bad, but what if he only said all those things once he realized that he was losing me? Is it a proof of love? I'm very lost.

I (29F) met this guy (39M) 2 years ago when I was doing a solo trip in his city. We met online and we immediately clicked. We spent two wonderful dates together and we kissed on the last date but that's it. When I went back to my country, in my head it was just a sweet little fling. A few weeks after, he texted me to wish me a happy new year, and that's when we started to date. I was going to visit him in his city most of the time because I was the most flexible one in terms of schedule (but he also came to visit me once, when he had vacation time).

As we were spending time together, I quickly asked about exclusivity. He never gave me a proper answer, he said that he takes relationships very seriously and he wants to be able to be sure that the person he'll be with is the right one (his last relationship was from 12+ years ago). So he never wanted to confirm explicitly that we were exclusive, but he insisted on the fact that he was not seeing anyone and that he was not the type to date around or to seek one-night stands whatsoever. I was left very frustrated with that answer. He always said he was looking for a girlfriend, but never accepted to call me his, or hinting it...

So basically over the 2 years we've been on and off because I pulled away three or four times since I didn't feel like he wanted to commit fully, despite meeting each other and behaving like a couple (without the sex), so he has reason to see a pattern. I wanted to label our relationship but he was still very wishy-washy about that. From time to time, he'd say "you're not my girlfriend, we're not in a relationship," to shut down things I asked for. But at the same time, when we'd meet, everything would be amazing and sweet, great chemistry, and we would behave like a couple, he would be affectionate and caring about my needs etc.

Another thing was that we would fight a lot because I felt like I was giving a lot more than him (texting, calling, suggesting to meet).

We cut contact between November and March (until I reached out to him), and when we met, we spent an amazing time together, and we started to date again since then. I noticed a lot of change in him, we would communicate more, he would reach out more and make more space for me in his life, he would let himself be more vulnerable and I could feel that he started to get more attached. On my side, I made the effort to not rush about the relationship status, so it could give him some space to actually vet me more and see if he really wanted to be with me. I could genuinely tell that I was very feminine, caring and that he really appreciated having me around. Everything was more fluid and healthy.

The last time we met was in June, I visited him and everything was perfect, he even introduced me to some of his surroundings.

A month ago I told him I plan my months far ahead and asked him to come back to me with dates so we could meet in August. He kept saying "I don't know," even though I reached out twice. So I eventually filled my month, and he was upset about that. We had a fight and I told him that I felt like he hadn't put me as a priority. I was very hurt, as I was very excited to meet him, I felt like the level of effort was unequal. I pulled away and he noticed that I wasn't texting or calling as much and was hurt by that. So we had a long talk where I told him that I put in more effort, and that we were fighting too much, and to summarize, I told him that we should have a break (not a breakup, and I said so explicitly) because I just felt exhausted with all of this.

Two days later I was talking with a friend and she managed to find his Hinge profile (he had never deleted the apps, I was aware of that, but he always told me that he never used them), marked as active, with a recent photo I had taken of him on a good day together when we met in June, as his first picture. Two days before that, he'd given me a long speech about how trust is the most important thing to him and blablabla.

We had a 5-hour call where I confronted him. He insisted he never used the app and that he just updates his profile all the time, but wasn't thinking too much into it. I told him that my trust was broken, and that I've always been transparent with him, and exclusive; he assured me that he never went on a date, never lied to me, and that if I was uncomfortable he would have deleted the apps. I believe he probably didn't cheat but now I'm having second thoughts about everything in our on-and-off relationship. But he wouldn't fully own it: every "I shouldn't have done that" came with a "but," and he ended up blaming my friend for "destroying" us.

However, for the first time in 2 years he told me he loved me, that he'd thought about kids with me, that no woman in 15 years mattered more, that I made a big change in his life and that since we reconnected in March, he was really considering being committed to me, and that he often talks about me to his friends for advice, and told his mother about me. To be honest, in the beginning of the phone call, I was in full emotionless mode, accusing him and calling him a liar and an untrustworthy person. He spent his time explaining himself, trying to repair things, saying a whole bunch of positive things about me that I wasn't aware of, and that he could have said way before all this mess.

He sobbed for the last 40 minutes. I stayed on the phone comforting him.

I know I made the decision to end things, but deep down I never really wanted that, I was just very mad and hurt and now I miss him badly. I also thought this relationship is ruined anyway, and that I should move on even if it hurts.

Another piece of information is that I was a virgin when I met him and he always respected my pace, was never pushy and his behavior was always gentle towards me. So a few months ago in March when we reconnected, I gave him my first time (huge mistake, I know...), which I know makes this heavier and more emotional for me than it should be. Part of me thinks that now that everything has finally been said, we'd have healthier foundations, since he admitted that he was in love, he cried and admitted that he messed up, and for my part I still have hope that we could be a good couple and that we were moving towards something healthier.

I want to write/call him and ask whether we should try to save whatever there is to save between us, and be in a fully committed relationship. The other part of me is very annoyed that I'd be the one initiating again, but I really want to. I've told my best friend and my sister about this, and they immediately told me that I deserve better and that he should never have updated his dating profile and that it shows he'll be unfaithful.

I'd like to have a RPW perspective on that, should I persist with trying something with this man? Should I reach out, or is "he only said it once he was losing me" the whole answer? I'm very lost.