u/audubonpark

I posted here a few weeks ago and got some great insight. Decided to post again and be more realistic about my feelings instead of trying to gloss over them.

My husband and I (both 35) have been married for 7 years. We have a newborn baby together. I’m a stay at home mom/wife. I gained 30 pounds during pregnancy, but I’m very tall so it isn’t too obvious - I’m already back in the gym though and eating healthy every single meal. My hair and outfits are still taken care of. People say all the time they can’t believe I just had a baby, so I think I’m keeping myself put together.

The issues I’m going to describe have been going on since 2021ish, my main contribution to these issues is being a doormat and also mirroring him when he’s upset (eg if he raises his voice, I’ll raise my voice too instead of remaining calm).

I think I’ve lost respect, attraction, and admiration for my husband.

He’s a highly anxious person by nature, it has slowly become a turn off more and more over time.

He hasn’t wanted to spice things up sexually, ever, even when I’ve made some mild suggestions (he was a virgin when we met). Ideas I’ve presented to him have been extremely vanilla (no threesomes, other participants, etc). I feel like I can’t open up around him and have fun, like he literally only wants to fuck missionary and spooning. No toys, nothing new or interesting (besides when I decide to buy lingerie for myself).

I feel rejected because I’ve described physical touches that I like and prefer and he doesn’t do them.

I’m a 6ft tall woman and he’s 6’5 but still once told me that I was “too big” while we were having sex because I asked him to support his upper body a little more. I was uncomfortable and just needed some of his bodyweight off of me, so I gently asked and he shouted “well you’re too big” which really stung and I haven’t been able to get over that. Especially since my past boyfriends were all shorter than me and never had any issues……

Things I never cared about before I all of a sudden care about now: his posture sucks, the tone of his voice sounds wimpy, he seeks out too much approval from me (like asking if I like his haircut).

I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me, I feel like an awful wife and I’m going crazy.

I’m definitely harboring resentment for being mistreated in the past and I also feel taken advantage of. The “lover girl” side of me is empty with nothing else to give.

I’m sure some of this is due to postpartum hormones, but if I’m being completely honest I was having these feelings pre pregnancy and just pushing them down in order to not be critical.

What is a good course of action here? I have accepted that I can’t change him. I don’t want to threaten to leave him, but it feels like that’s the only thing I can do in order to have a chance at living the life I want.

My concerns with my marriage started a few years ago when I felt like my husband wasn’t really leading our marriage in a direction that I felt comfortable with. He was, and is, very enmeshed with his own family. Sometimes it feels like I’m married to a boy, not a man. It’s as if he hasn’t cut the cord and it’s decreasing my attraction to him. He’s also displaying lots of anxiety and an overall lack of confidence lately, which has been turning me off. He used to yell at me and snap at me somewhat regularly, but he has mostly stopped that since I’ve set a strong boundary for it. I do have lingering resentment about it though…

I remember being really attracted to him when we met, but I’m having so much fog and confusion lately that I’m worrying “what if I settled?”

Other relevant information: I am a stay at home wife and first time mom to an infant born earlier this year.

My issues: I come from a very tumultuous and physically abusive family. I worked hard through college and afterwards to become a better person. I had two relationships at that time of my life which were toxic, so I worked hard to learn from my mistakes. I joined online dating in my mid 20s and had a rocky start due to my low self esteem, but again, I persevered and stayed focused on my goals of self improvement and finding a well matched man to be my husband.

I was somewhat following RPW principles when I met my husband, I hadn’t heard of the strategy before though.

We dated for about a year and a half, got engaged, got married a year later, and have now been married for 7 years. I just had our first baby earlier this year so I am freshly postpartum.

What I’ve been doing: I started going to therapy last year and I’ve been having some reflection on my issues and self esteem. It helped me to identify some of these issues and verbalize them, but I’m stuck on how to move forward.

Questions: What are some things I can do to get over resentment? How can I have my husband rebuild my trust in his leadership? Is it possible for me to feel safe and attracted to him again?

Over the course of several years I (35F) lost myself in an effort to appease my husband. I didn’t stand up for myself or for what I wanted out of fear of disappointing him, being perceived as a bad wife, and fear of him leaving me.

I’ve spent the last year trying to course correct, and I’m happy to say that I’ve started putting myself back together, but having to repair myself this way changed how I see him. Essentially my attraction to him has decreased.

I recently read this post and all of the replies by u/goatsclimbtrees1 which was really helpful. I connected with the idea that we can have things that are preferred, but learn to be satisfied or indifferent regardless of whether or not those preferences are fulfilled.

I also connected with the comment that said to determine what the best version of my roles as spouse and parent are and try to achieve that best version. I really like this one as it gives me a goal to strive towards.

I think I’m still struggling because the faded attraction or passion has left me feeling somewhat depressed. I try to fight it off every day though.

Is there even a stoic way to overcome something like attraction, desire, and passion? Based on what I’ve read it seems like I need do two things:

1.) to let go of my desire to be desired, has anyone achieved this?

2.) become indifferent to whether or not I feel attraction or passion towards my husband?

Am I on the right track here?

I know transference is a thing, and telling my therapist about my crush isn’t an option. Should I just rip the band aid off and end our sessions?

I have a young child and am married to a great man, we’re just in a weird phase of disconnection.

I’m a beginner and am starting a small 6x8” scrapbook for my baby, and I wanted to put together a birthday gift wishlist for my husband to check out. What are your favorite scrapbook accessories? I’d say my overall budget would be $250 or less for everything.

I like the idea of die cutting and stamps and things like that, but I don’t have a lot of experience so I think I’d want stuff that is entry level but still useful for creating really pretty pages!

Are there options to rent die cutting and other supplies so that you can get a feel for what you actually like and want to use?

I know that there are group vacation companies that coordinate trips for specific groups of people, like single women, or co-ed travelers of a specific age range. But I was wondering if there are any companies that coordinate trips specifically for small families?

I was thinking it could be a good idea to try because I’ve seen adult only children talk about how they’d get bored on vacations because there were no other kids their age to chat with.

I have a hard time relating to the struggles of being an only child. I am one of three kids, but we didn’t get along and our family life was extremely turbulent. Not to mention we couldn’t ever afford to go on vacation.

I’m currently pregnant with my first and only child, so I have a lot of this stuff on my mind. I’m one and done due to a health issue that was discovered at the start of my pregnancy and I’m learning to make peace with the change of plans.