u/Important-Formal2758

Hey all,

I’m going to try and be as concise as possible as it’s a long story. I’m 27F and husband is 36M, we’ve been married 1 year and together 3.5 yrs.

Four years ago we met via social media and started working together on an online business whixh at first did pretty well and we had high expectations with it, especially financially. In this process we fell in love and I moved to be in his city. I really admired him at first. He had just started his own company and had high expectations for himself and us. My dream was to be successful with mine but also to be with a man who was successful with his. I sacrificed a lot to be with him.

Overtime his own projects weren’t doing all that well and he decided they were taking time away from our project whixh had a lot of potential and he decided to only focus on it. This wasn’t my preference at all but I trusted it. In the couple of years that came we worked quite hard at it but eventually bc of reasons beyond our control it stopped doing well. It’s been like that for like two years or around 1.5 years now. Keep in mind we split this income (not actually split bc we share finances but we live from it). So it’s been a while that we’ve been making not too much.

Soon before the wedding my husband started spending lots of time playing chess on his PC or phone. He’d claim he was doing so in the inevitable downtime of our project (there are times when u have to wait for certain things to download etc and there’s not much to do). But he was def spending way too much time on it whixh brought so much tension right before the wedding and I attributed it to pre-wedding blues. At our honeymoon I told him how much I needed him to have his own thing that wasn’t reliant on me (I am the face of our project, he does the behind the scenes work), especially bc he’s always talked about how much he’d love to be a dad soon and there’s no way I’d feel a comfortable being a mother with our current arrangement.

After the honeymoon he tried (half assedly imo) some things here and then and once Xmas hit (I’m talking last xmas) our income was bad enough that he started to realize he might need to get a job or open something else and I think it was around March that he finally decided on it.

Well….we’re in late august and nothing has changed. He was applying to jobs before the summer but stopped bc apparently in this country (we’re in southern Europe) they don’t hire in the summer for his position (he says he used to be a marketing director and make good money). His mom also claims they don’t hire, so idk. One day he tells me he’s thinking of opening a digital business or even a physical one, another he says he’s waiting till fall to start applying. The uncertainty for all these months, if not a year, is heartbreaking. Especially bc he doesn’t seem like he’s trying at all. When he isn’t working for our mutual project whixh doesn’t take more than a few hours a day, he’s on his phone wasting time. He swears he’s waiting for ideas or thinking of things or that things will change soon, but he’s been saying that for months.

I want to clarify some things: first I’m an American citizen and while I was in Europe before him, I moved to his country for him. I’ve sacrificed so much for him (things that I wouldn’t really do now in hindsight but I was young and naive). The country we live in is terrible economically and for entrepreneurs. The jobs also pay really bad (the average salary is literally like 1300€). He doesn’t feel motivated to at least go and get like a waitressing job bc since he closed his company they’re paying him like 800€ for unemployment and he’d get paid like 1300€ as a waiter or similar so I get why he doesn’t want to do that.

However he also doesn’t want to move to the US where, yea I know the job market is rough too, but personally I’m from a city full of constantly incoming immigrants and I’ve seen so many of them who work hard succeed. He doesn’t want to move bc his parents are elderly, whixh I get but even they’ve said they would totally get it. And that we could even go at it for a little while and come back if it doesn’t work.

I also want to add that we live rent free in a flat he inherited from his parents whixh is a huge blessing. His parents own a few properties so he will have a nice inheritance. And with all the money he saved from previous jobs and from not paying rent he was able to buy two flats that are now rented out and give us a total of 1000€ a month (which is also about what our business gives us). Keep in mind that buying flats here are a lot cheaper than in the US and thus the rent is also way less accordingly.

I’m thankful for all that, don’t get me wrong. What is killing me is his lack of ambition. He’s totally comfortable with us making that money, our main job relying on my face, and just wasting hours each day. It’s killing me yall. I’ve cried pleaded and even given an ultimatum that I’m only waiting till the end of the year to see a change in attitude. I’ve also been loving respectful supporting implemented Laura Doyle etc but I can’t take it anymore. This man is literally sitting around when he’s not doing the few hours of work our project takes. It feels like he completely takes me for granted and I can’t actually see him changing by the end of the year after this trajectory.

He has awesome qualities like being good to me, being very committed and loyal, being respectful, he makes me feel so loved and safe, etc but I do too. I am very good looking fun smart feminine fit. I don’t have a problem with my man failing but I do have a problem with him not trying, especially after all I’ve sacrificed and bring to the table. There’s no reason for him to be sitting around giving me promises that never come true and talking about how much he’d love to be a dad. It’s killing me and my respect for him. I’ve employed all strategies and nothing seems to work, it’s so heartbreaking. Furthermore the age difference also implies we’re not on the same level libido wise. He’s a 2-3x week kinda guy, while I’d like more. Feels like I’m sacrificing a lot.

I feel like it’s a countdown till new years now and he won’t change till some crazy happens or I declare I’m quitting. Maybe I should quit and then he’d feel like he’d really have to get his shit together. I can’t with his passivity anymore, I don’t believe his promises anymore and I’m in pain everyday when I see him sit around. Yes I’ve talked about it. Yes I’ve been supportive and inspiring. Yes I’ve cried. I’ve done everything and he’s still ok with working 3 hrs everyday and making 1000€ euros for both of us (plus unemployment and the flat yes) and telling me he wants to be a dad; whixh he knows I won’t do unless he can fully provide and I don’t have to show my face.

Please help, he swears he loves me but sometimes it feels like he’s taking me in for a ride…he swears it hurts him how he’s let me down but he doesn’t change so… :((

As we speak he says he’s gonna start waking up way earlier to finally figure out what he’s gonna do, he says he feels very pressured and useless. My parents love him and think it’s just a rough patch, but they don’t feel what I feel. I’m completely prepared to walk away by the end of the year.

I’m 27F, married to 36M. Been together 3.5 years. I’ve only had one bf before him who was my age and we dated for all of college and had lots of frequent sex, pretty much most nights we’d sleep at each other’s place. I guess I thought that’s how it should be lol.

With my husband at first it was the typical honeymoon phase but about 6 months in it dropped to about thrice per week, sometimes four times per week. I know this sounds like a lot but bc I was under the impression that daily or almost daily was the norm, it really hurt me and I had tons of talks with him about it over time. It never improved, in fact over time it reduced to 2-3 times per week.

That’s been our standard since the honeymoon phase ended and the past 5 weeks we’ve only done it twice per week so now I’m wondering if it’s dropped again. I’ve had so many convos with him in the past over how much this would hurt me and make me feel undesirable and he’d change it for a while and then it’d go back to normal again. It’s been a while since I stopped talking about it as it felt pointless.

I want to clarify some things: my own libido has gone down a bit. I used to want it thrice per week, now I only strongly desire it in ovulation week and I think it’s deep down as a result of not feeling desired enough by him.

I don’t really initiate. He usually initiates every 2-3 days. He’s basically only really in the mood every 2-3 days (though again lately it’s turning into 3 instead of 2). The reason why I don’t initiate often is because it doesn’t up the frequency. If I initiate on Monday, he still won’t want it for another 2-3 days, so we’re back at the same. I also resent him for this and don’t feel comfortable enough to initiate. Y’all can judge me all you want but I ask that you show grace instead.

This always bothered me but bc he has so many other great qualities about him I never could bring myself about to end the engagement or leave him over it. I talked to a friend recently who thinks the frequency is normal and she’s my age with a guy our age too. But I’m from a Caribbean country and I once sort of mentioned the frequency to my mother and she was like wtf so early and so low.

It definitely makes me freak out that it’ll only get worse as he ages and if we have kids. But again I struggle to leave him over this bc it’s fairly normal I guess? And he’s a good husband in general with really good qualities.

He claims he doesn’t masturbate often at all which I think is likely the case and he usually has a lot of c*m when we do go at it, but who knows, really. I’ve talked to him about it and he agrees it would be fucked up to be masturbating often instead of being with me so I hope he’s not that twisted to be lying like that.

I’ve also tested the waters over whether he sees himself having no libido at all for me in the future by saying things like if we ever just don’t wanna f each other anymore, could we try something else like being w other people? And his response is always no way and why would I lose my libido / desire for you? He also touches me pretty much daily as in grabbing my butt etc., it’s more so the act that he seems to be unbothered about except those times weekly. He also gets hurt if I reject him when I do so occasionally so it’s not that he has no libido, it’s that he’s comfortable with what I consider lower than I’d like for a man, and won’t do anything about it.

I’m just so damn tired of suffering over this. I was really the sexual type with my ex. I don’t feel like that’s a thing in my relationship. Sure I’m sexual and intense when we do it but 2/7 days feels low. I hate to say that it hurts me especially bc I’m someone who takes lots of care with her appearance and even work in social media in part bc of my looks (not onlyfans lol). I have a curvy fit body and get lots of male attention so it makes me question myself a lot.

If this is within the normal range of what I can expect then I suppose it is what it is, but I’m wondering what yall think. Please be kind.